So Why Do I Feel Like Shit?

Tis the season, or so they say.

For me this year, it will be super stress, and it’s not starting off well.

Over the last three weeks I have spent hours at NYU Medical Center–first with Mistress then due to my home front.  And those trips will continue on throughout this joyous season.  Have you ever tried to navigate NYC at the height of the holiday season? Took me four hours to drive home today–45 minutes spent going from the corner of Park Ave and 34th St to the toll plaza at the Midtown Tunnel.

Tis the season though.

So here it is the night before Thanksgiving and all I want to do is disappear somewhere to the Caribbean and ride out the season there.

While juggling my girls in the city today while my wife was getting an MRI and follow with her neuro-oncologist I got a call from a cousin.  My mother put her Thanksgiving with his family on me–I have to drive her 2.5 hours or she won’t be having Thanksgiving.

Then there is Mistress who will be without family for the holiday–that’s on me too since I can’t take her with me or have her over (since as of 2:30 this afternoon I am not cooking).  And for that I get an I told you so.

And I can’t wait for Christmas to roll around either.  There will be chemo trips to the city on the week before Christmas and the week between Christmas and New Year.  Perfect times to navigate the wilds of Manhattan.

Way back–before I was in true holidays suck and I want to run away mode–Mistress was going to spend a couple of weeks (or more in CA) and I was going to take my girls to visit a friend in FL.  Looks like all of those plans have fallen apart–and the “I told you so’s” are already starting.

Can’t wait…

And hopefully 2010 is better.

 

Did I do enough?

This is a quick post, but a question that I am pondering…did I do enough? or did I let Mistress down?  And unfortunately I think the latter.

Mistress was in the hospital this week.  She went in for what was supposed to be three days (72 hours) of tests.  Ended up being a full week.  Nothing bad, in fact I think it netted out as good news for her.

But I am wondering if I did all I could do to be supportive.  I know the answer is yes, but perception and reality are sometimes different.  I had a tough week, and so did Mistress.  But was there more I could have done?

I have to think more.  Right now, I don’t think so…but I have to think more…..

The Fleeting Moments that Last

I can still feel the way Mistress snuggles up to me as I nibble on her neck. I can still taste her lips pressed against mine….

And it was all to sort as I watched Mistress’ subway continue uptown.

Silence is Golden-or is it?

Things with Mistress are in a pretty good spot right now, maybe I don’t want to jinx it. Things in my personal life are a mess right now, maybe I am too overwhelmed.

Or maybe silence is golden-and I am trying to be rich.

About Frustration

So earlier today (and might I add its been a long day here on the west coast) I blogged about frustration as it pertained to relationship issues with Mistress.

Now, there is a new kind of frustration…

Something to Think About

So as a dust-up between Mistress and I came to an end last week, she posed the question both in her blog and to me on the phone

Why is it we tend to hurt the ones we love most?

I think my boy and I do it and I don’t know why.

The Rewind Button

I have been thinking that life could be so much better with a rewind button. And I don’t want to be greedy with this mind you. I would love to rewind all the way back to the last game in the baseball season of my junior year in high school.

Now that’s not to say its all be shit since then mind you. Just if I could rewind, I would probably not hang in on the play and my knee would not have gotten blown out.

But I digress. The rewind button I am looking for would be to go back say 5 minutes at a time and try a moment again. There are a bunch of those as well.

Is it really alright?

Its been a week of dealing with things that I really can’t control–which is very frustrating to me–because the stakes are so high. And maybe some of this is just misplaced self pity.

But still, I have to wonder, is it really alright?

Asked and Answered

Sometimes its nice to hear someone else ask the questions–and get the context of the answers.

Freedom

Mistress and I were talking the other night about freedom-and how much we control our lives, and our destiny or in my case how little control I have.

Now this all started out with some introspection on Mistress’ part. She is taking stock of herself-and feeling the pressure of building a career.

But for me the e exercise at midnight with a bottle of wine on a stoop in Queens was interesting. By all counts-I have a good career, am in a good spot-and have no control over my life or my destiny.

Amazing huh?

And after spending a good part of today running through it all-I am not sure when or how I can get that control back.