things to be thankful for

So, here it is Thanksgiving weekend, and its that time where you get to look back, and realize all that you have to be thankful for–and as I have mentioned, I have a lot to be thankful for.  Perhaps its the trade off to having an anniversary so close to Thanksgiving–the work is already done.

But in this case, I want to perhaps be more specific, perhaps be more narrow, and highlight not just why I love my Mistress, but why the love I have for my Mistress is growing.

A big part of why I am thankful is because with Mistress, I feel encouraged to take a chance and show her how much I love her.  For instance, I gave her a child’s toy as an anniversary present–and she loved it-I hope because she knows it came from the heart.

Today, I took my girls for a day in the city, and because of the holiday and some other issues on the home front, I have not seen Mistress as much this week as I normally do–but we have been talking and texting daily–and I feel really close to her.  So, we “arranged” a chance meeting at the Museum of Natural History today, and Mistress was able to meet my kids, and we were able to spend the day together.

So, this was not completely an easy thing to do. Mistress and I tend to do a lot of PDA’s (public displays of affection), and today we would have to be on our best behaviour.  So, when I wanted to jump Mistress in a row boat on the lake in Central Park, I sat on my hands.

Not to jump ahead…

This meeting was important not only for me, but for Mistress, and I think the time was right.  Among other things that I do-some better than others I freely admit-I am a dedicated parent. I want to be the best father I can be for my kids (and I don’t think that is unique at all).  But its a different side of me, and one that is really important. One of the things that I am trying very hard to do with my Mistress is to un-compartmentalize my life.  To show her all sides of me, rather than just hte parts I want to show, and my kids are an important part.  Also, Mistress said to me recently that she thought she would not meet my kids until they were teens–and that is a long way away.

So, after we wandered through the museum some, we went to lunch and then over to the park.  I noticed during the day that the conversation with my kids and Mistress got easier as things went along.  I pushed it some when I got them to start to tickle Mistress, and litterally break ice some.

Mistress was a really good sport in all of this.  I know-since our first date, Mistress is not a kids type.  But to her credit, she rolled with it.  She engaged the girls, and listend to them.

So, I am thankful for the day I was able to spend with my kids and my love in the city. I am thankful that Mistress did so well with my kids, and most of all, I am thankful that I belong to Mistress–there is no one more lucky than I.

Looking back with a smile

With smiles, kisses and love, Mistress and I celebrated a year long relationship over the weekend-and I can’t help but look back with a smile.

There are moments that stand out along the way: when I met Mistress under the tree in Rock Center for our first date, the first morning I went to Her old apartment in Brooklyn, the morning we played a little in the stock room of the chocolate shop She used to work at, standing behind her (like at a restaurant) and giving Her a big hug and kiss on the back of Her neck, the look of pleasure on Her face when She took me to Paddles for the first time, Her laugh at all times. the way She caresses me when She is whipping or caning me, enticing me to go on for Her, I could go on and on–there are so many good moments, and I think that is the best part.

Yeah, there have been some moments that have been trying too, but that is what happens in any kind of relationship.  The measure though is that the good times stand out and far out number those moments of struggle or challenge.

But through the ups and downs, I can say (and have said to Mistress) that I am a better person today than I was a year ago, and I credit Mistress for this.  She has put me in touch with my emotions, and pushed and prodded me to be more open them.  Mistress has pushed me to be in better shape, eat better and I think be a better person.

Not to sound like a cheap advice column but what makes it all work is great communication.

So the weekend started on Friday morning when I gave Mistress the present I was bursting to give Her.  I’ve known for months what I was going to give Her, and even had it tucked away for a couple of weeks–just waiting.  Months ago, Mistress told me She had always wanted an Easy Bake Oven-something she didn’t have growing up.

So, I tucked away that information, and like a good boyfriend, submissive and lover-I waited patiently. And finally a chance to spring it.  Mistress’ face lit up as She unwrapped it–and I was so happy to see Her smile.

We let reality settle in, and rather than an easy-bake breakfast in bed, we went t work together-and I spent the day thinking about how great Mistress looked holding Her gift.  Friday night we got back to Her place and standing naked, together we made easy-bake cupcakes.

Saturday night we had a late dinner and some great cuddle time. Mistress gave me a great etching of christmas tree in Rock Center-the place where it all started.

Yeah, you can look back, but in this case, I am so excited to look forward to the next year with my Mistress.

I can say it, I am in love with my Mistress. I would not trade my relationship for anything.

Yeah, there is a time…

So, here is the story of when communication works-not a breakdown, not an issue, just two people actually being able to talk to one another:

In this case, I am so happy that Mistress and I are able to talk to each other-usually in real time about what bothers us and find a solution. In this case, because we both had busy days today, I had some time to work through it and reach a conclusion-but still, Mistress and I had a healthy conversation tonight, and for that I am so happy.

By way of background, when I met my Mistress, it was in a pro Domme setting. Its the only pro-session I have ever had with Mistress. We started dating pretty soon after–and have fallen in love over the course of the last year.

I know my Mistress will confirm this, that along with the persistent nature of my communication with Her before She allowed me the chance to serve Her was the need for cash for the holidays–this was nearly 52 weeks to the day ago. Heading into the holidays this year, I know Mistress is in the same situation-but this morning I was taken aback when I saw on the internet She had posted that She was willing to consider select pro-sessions.

I was hurt by this. I felt first and foremost I had let Mistress down–and was forcing Her to go find another.  Then I thought about it more, and began to analyze and over analyze, I realized that was not what was truly eating at me.  Yeah, there are a slew of insecurities in there for me-but what hurt me was that I read about.

Mistress and I had a nice dinner last night–She could have mentioned it to me.  And to be clear to all–its not that I am looking to give approval–just in a committed relationship as Mistress and I have, its what I would have done, and we spend a lot of time talking about communication.

So, I checked in with Mistress during the day, and found out She would be home tonight-and made a call.  Now by the time I had called, I was right with the whole thing, and really wanted to talk to Her about safety (along with all of my insecurities, I am a worrier, and want to make sure She is safe first and foremost).

But we talked about the range of emotion I felt during the day today–and how I worked through to the issue the bothered me.

And happily–Mistress was understanding, supportive and and a great listener.

I have it so good–I have a great loving relationship with my Mistress and I would not trade it for anything.

And best of all–Mistress will work with me on my worry issues, so I do not have to worry about Her more than I do already.

The end of a great weekend

So, as this Sunday winds down, I have to admit I can look back at the weekend and feel really good about it–and truly smile.  And two keys that are not lost on me is that: 1) most of it was spent with my Mistress whom I truly love and cherish and 2) it was spent at “open” D/s events; something a year ago I would have hyperventilated at.

It started Friday night when Mistress gave a presentation on D/s dating for DSF. It was great to be there to support Mistress, spend time with some friends and to take in the Paddles experience in a different way than the first time I went there with Mistress.

Last night Mistress and I went to what has become a really great gathering of scene people in a non-scene setting–where we can just as easily talk about hockey, strat-o-matic baseball or being whipped and beaten.

Because of work the MTA is doing on the subways system in NYC, and the really bad weather in NYC last night, Mistress and I decided to drive into the city–even being lost in Queens, and part of western Brooklyn were not so bad. We had a good time in the car chatting (even when I was going thw wrong way on a one-way street), the time went by all too fast.

And there is nothing better than waking up with my Mistress in my arms.

Not lost on me-a year later, I am at ease able to talk to people (ok, they are scene people) about being kinky–and being out and about.

I do love my Mistress.

On potty training

And no, I am not going to get into a toilet fetish thing.

I am talking about manners, courtesy and what a camp counselor too many years ago elegantly put as wiping your own ass.

Last night Mistress was the guest speaker at a DSF event in NYC.  Her subject was D/s dating-something Mistress and I have been working on for the last year, and for the most part do pretty well.  The turn out at Paddles was pretty good for Mistress’ event.

(If I can take a moment, Mistress-You did such a great job presenting this subject. Clearly it is something near and dear to you. I am so proud of the way you handled the topic, worked the audience and engaged in an informative discussion).

The room was pretty packed and the crowd engaged. I was sitting off to the side with Mistress Veronica.  One of the key points Mistress made–and personally I thought it was kind of straight forward (but I am so wrong on this) is that courtesy and manners matter.

The comments this elicted from the crowd were interesting (and I am also talking about the silence that ensued before the audience was prompted).

What was interesting to me was the specifics Mistress laid out should not be a shock to anyone who has been potty trained–She is talking about holding doors open, being a good (and active listener), being chivalroous.

After the event Mistress Veronica, Mistress, another submale and I went to a local bar for a drink, and walking from Paddles to the bar we talked about this-and I guess my thought that this is basic human stuff–not D/s stuff is giving too much credit.

And, I get it–not everyone is looking for a relationship. There are peope who just want to session or play.  But the people in the room last night sounded like they were looking for a relationship, but did not sound like they knew how to sustain one.  There was a large dose of the trap Mistress likes to spring on people–the objectification of Dommes–and these guys stumbled in without being too set up.

But it seemed that the concept of just being a good partner was lacking–and that to me is amazing if your stated goal is to find a relationship, and I don’t mean a D/s relationship-I am talking about human intereraction.

When you walk into a store or a building-do you hold the door open for someone walking out, or the next person walking in? When you are out with someone (partner, friend, associate) do you actually look them in the eye and listen t them-and engage in active conversation? Do you help a female you are out with on or off wiht their jacket?

Its not rocket science here–its simply put, wiping your own ass.

back on track

So the good news is that I think the fight/argument/disagreement Mistress and I had last week is behind us now. There are probably still some issues (and no, as of now I do not know what they are) to work through-but Mistress and I love each other and we are good, and as Martha would say, “thats a good thing.”

It will be a pretty packed weekend for us too. Mistress is speaking tonight at a scene event. Her topic is D/s relationships.  We went to dinner last night, and Mistress asked me what I am looking for in a Dominant partner, and I laughed–because I found what I am looking for in a partner and a Dominant partner.  Kind of an amusing question.

Saturday night I think we are heading to a dinner party–should be fun.

on fights, passion and just randomly thinking…

I guess to echo the sentiment of my girlfriend/Mistress/lover/friend, for the first time in a year we actually had a fight.  I am not completely sure I concur that it was a fight, certainly it was a passionate exchange, where frustrations were aired, so clinically that could be a fight-but I do not want to quibble over terminology, because at the end of the day what we call it is not as important to me as what we can both take away from it, and and how we both move on.

As I mentioned in a blog just yesterday, the harbinger for this really started on Thursday when Mistress and I got together.  Kind of near the end of the evening she made a comment to me that really did not sit well with me.  And I do not want to rewrite the whole blog, but in my mind I really went out of my way on Thursday to see Mistress because I wanted to and it sounded like she needed a hug.  Mistress has told me she wanted to apologize for what she said, but wanted to wait until we saw each other.

Then came Saturday.  This is an area where Mistress and I differ on lexicon some, and I think a lot of that difference is in the male/female approach to relationships and some of my own dumb hangups.  I admit I tend to perceive things in black and white.  You are either part of the problem or part of the solution.  So, with the sting from Thursday still in my mind (Mistress and I had not spoken about that as of yet) Mistress texted me that we should skip our plans for Saturday night.

OK I thought. I tried to “smother” her some on Thursday and to me that didn’t go well.  So, I’ll give her space today.  Failed test.  Mistress was pushing me (I call it testing me) to see if I would fight to see her.  To her, my failure to fight was a sign that I didn’t care.  Certainly not my position.

As the day progressed, Mistress and I communicated some by email (that did not go very well) and some over YIM.  Now, you’d think I would have learned my lesson about that and even tried MySpace email.  Finally around 130 this morning, I just called her-and we had a long and sometimes heated discussion/fight.

But I think in the end it was cathartic (at least for me). It got me thinking about my role in all of this.  How could I be part of the solution, and stop being part of the problem?

After Mistress and I said good night last night, and I think covered a lot of ground–I got to thinking.  And its not surprise that going back into all of this–communication between Mistress and I broke down.  The reasons are not important. I think the important take away for both of us is to recognize it happened and work to make sure it does not happen again.  A lot of these blogs are about communication because it is so vital.

So for me, I am trying to piece together–was it really Thursday that ate at me so much? Or was it the little digs sent my way via Twitter, Plurk, MySpace status that fueled me? Or was it something else? Is there something unresolved that I should deal with? Or perhaps its all of it together–we are the sum of our parts.

The extra dynamic here is that our relationship is a deep and loving relationship, that is a FLR D/s relationship.  She is my Mistress. She is my girlfriend. She is my friend.  And I know sometimes Mistress is conflicted over whether the D/s is morphing to vanilla (which I do not think it is).

So in adding it all up-and being able to reflect upon it some-I have reached a conclusion of sorts at least for myself.  This gives me the chance to start to look internally at what I have done, what I could have done better and what I will do better going forward.

A week or so ago, in my commitment to open communication, I shared with Mistress my insecurity about her plans to take a professional session so she can buy a pair of Prada boots (this is a dual insecurity for me) and to a lesser extent her continued search for service slaves to clean her place etc.  Its my fear that this makes me replaceable.  Perhaps that conversation is not completely done-I am not sure, I think it is.

But yesterday, as she was punishing me with “snarky digs” it was all played on that insecurity-which really infuriated me.  This was something I shared with my girlfriend because we promised each other to be open, and share what is bothering us, and here it was being shoved in my face as a weapon.

So we talked, disagreed and agreed. I thin for both of us though the take away is to treat the person we love with empathy, compassion and respect.  Something I think we both forgot at least for a few hours.

Completely coincidentally, it turns out another FLR D/s couple had a similar moment this week:

To quote some good advice:

3 vital ingredients for a successful relationship:

1. Good COMMUNICATION

2. Empathy – put yourself in their place and care about their well being

3. Compassion – make allowances for issues to arise, take the other persons’ concerns on board, and allow for the other person to go through rough patches… and reach out to them when they do!  Love and accept them even WITH their flaws.

Mistress, I love you deeply. I think its great that we can be passionate about each other, and our hopes and expectations. While I can’t say we won’t ever fight again, I can say I have learned from this, and love you even more.

hmmm, the week that was….

So, I have to admit, I have started to write this blog a couple of times this week, and between being really, really tired and just not having the right perspective to put my thoughts together–so this will be a compilation of three or four blogs.  Reader be warned, I am not sure how coherent this will be or if it will make any sense when all is said an done.

The week started out pretty well I think. Mistress and I were able to spend some time together Saturday night into Sunday morning. It was kind of a last minute thing, but was good.  Mistress dominated me some, practiced some rope bondage and whipping and we were able to hold each other naked. I really have a deep love affair with my Mistress.

Monday was a bad day on my homefront, on going health issues (not mine) took a turn for the worse.  Mistress was helpful and supportive.

Tuesday was election day-which for what I do means its a long day. I rolled into the office around noon (after voting) and did not leave until about 130 Wednesday morning.  Because I had a scheduled 930 meeting on Wednesday morning, I took a hotel room near my office and a few weeks ago Mistress and I made plans to make the best of that night. I left a key for Mistress in the lobby and then I joined Mistress in bed around 2 in the morning.  We made love, made out, held each other, showered together and had a really bad Times Square breakfast together.

While perhaps not perfect (too short), it was a great night and morning and reaffirmed how much I really to love my girlfriend and Mistress.  She really does make me feel good about myself, and is really good about making me a more complete, whole person.

Then somewhere some how, things started to fall apart…and I am not really sure I get how that happended.

On Thursday Mistress mentioned she was not feeling well, and I thought if we could go out for a bit it would help cheer her up. So, although I was really feeling sleep deprived (a sure sign of my old age it takes me days to recover from election day) I made plans to cross town and meet Mistress at work and we would go hit up a couple of margaritas.

During the day, Mistress told her co-workers about her kinky side.  Mistress is completely out about this (as opposed to me who is completely not).  While in her office, Mistress made sure to introduce me to all of her staff, and I have to admit to feeling a little uncomfortable about it–but nothing awful.  My bigger problem Thursday was how completely dead on my feet I felt.

We walked over to the place had a few drinks, and as the alcohol too effect-I started to relax, but Mistress started to get edgy. After a few drinks we left and headed for the subway, where Mistress stated that she was thinking the reason we got together was not because I wanted to see her, but because she was feeling bad.  Now I was feeling bad.  That was never the case, and I told her that. She played it off to a mix of her meds and alcohol.  I can accept that.

Then today. I had been planning to go see Mistress tonight, but she said we should skip since she was not feeling up to it.  Disappointment, yes. But I want to be the understanding boyfriend, and I tried my best.  One of the things that Mistress said she was depressed about was whether or not she would train for the next NYC marathon.

Mistress has run a marathon, but its also a medical challenge (a significant one-no mimizing the risk).  And its one I have witnessed, but have not experienced.  I want Mistress to be happy, to be fulfilled and to do the things she wants.  So I tried to push her-perhaps a little too hard.

And so, now she is depressed, we are in a communications meltdown and reading between lines of emails and IM’s, which we both know does not work.

So, what a week it was…lots of emotions all rolled together–and I am not sure how to process it all, or what to read into it.  Guess this is how I will end up spending the Saturday night.

Hard work, and Good Rewards….

So, relationships are hard work. Not quite a revalation I know. But still, relationships are hard work.

This week, I think I learned a lot about just how hard the work is, and what the rewards are. And still, relationships are hard work.

So the week started with being able to spend a few hours with Mistress lying naked in Her bed and just enjoying how good She feels in my arms. I was able to get to Her place around 11 or so Saturday night, and had to leave at about 630 Sunday morning-part of the baggage that is our relationship.

While the night was blissful, I kind of knew as I was leaving there was more to come.  See, I am married, and not to my Mistress.  For all intent and purposes, my marriage is dead-emotionally, physically and practically. Yet, because of health issues I can not just end it at this point.  So, I compartmentalize and know its not perfect, but its worth it because it means I can offer myself to Mistress and be Hers.

Then came YIM. And if anything the week taught me I should stay off YIM. Monday night Mistress and I started chatting via YIM, and it did not go well. YIM, like email, twitter and anything else that is not face to face does not allow emotions and feelings to be expressed. So what is left unsaid is left unconveyed.  There is no way to reach out and hug someone during a YIM session.

During our conversation on YIM Monday night Mistress and I talked about some shifts that are going on in my job-and how that may prompt me to look for something else.  Now, this is something I do regularily-look for new opportunities, and talk to people about career changes. I rarely think anything of them until there is a hard copy job offer in my hands.  Left unsaid on YIM was that if any new opportunity required a move, I would talk to Mistress about having Her join me. Relationships are hard work.

Tuesday night, back on YIM (you’d think I would have learned my lesson) we headed down another path-this time on my insecurity.  See, I know the baggage I carry with me in this relationship, and one of my biggest fears is that Mistress will meet someone else and feel a spark.  That person will have less baggage (we all have some), and I will be out.  It would hurt a lot.  This time the case-study was a pro-scene Mistress is trying to set up with someone so She can get a new pair of Prada boots that She craves.

Realistically, I can not get them for Mistress (a different relationship neurosis), and this will allow Mistress to get them.  Which at the end of the day is a good thing for Her.  But then came the how does that make you feel question-and it makes me feel insecure.  Then the image of me crawling to those boots and worshipping them-while a turn on for my Mistress, causes me to pause for a beat-it should be me right? (yet another neurosis). Dang, relationships are hard work.

But then came Wednesday night. For once, events lined up nicely and I went home with Mistress. We sat at Her place for a bit talking.  Then crawled into Her bed and talked some more, held each other, and loved each other. There are rewards for hard work….

At the end, and Mistress knows this: I love my Mistress; I love my girlfriend; I can not imagine my life with out my Mistress/girlfriend in it; we are both better people together:

Two strong people can stand alone

Together two strong people can be a magnificent force

Alone we have frailties

Together our frailties can be our strengths

There is no perfection, there is no utopia…

We have the the voyage to find perfection and utopia we can take together

Alone we can want

Together we can feel