The Laugh and the Languish

So to be upfront about this blog–its not something I was planning to write today, nor is it something I am completely sure I should lob out there–so clearly I”ll go full bore right into it.

As I mentioned yesterday, it had been sometime since Mistress and I were even in the same state, much less able to see each other.  So this morning in a short exchange of texts we decided if it all worked out we would try to hook up for at least a quick dinner.

Shit happens sometimes, and instead of 6 Mistress needed to meet at 4.  Eager to see Mistress, I quickly changed my schedule (even though it was my first day in the office in nearly 20 days) and went to meet Mistress.

Now while I was away, and Mistress and I were texting back and forth, Mistress made a statement that I did not get at the time.  We were into a mushy exchange, and at one point Mistress added an LOL to the text.  A few texts later, I did the same-and Mistress responded with a line I did not understand at the time, “Next time you laugh, maybe I’ll slap the shit out of you.”

Now at least I have the context.

My first harbinger came via an IM chat with Mistress.  Now any reader of this blog knows when Mistress and I get on IM, there is usuallly a bad outcome. It turns out a couple of weeks ago (it had to be) I was at Mistress’ apartment, and she asked me to do something, and I questioned if she was serious and laughed.

For me, the most frustrating thing is that I have no recollection of this–at all. And Mistress remembers it vividly.  This then triggered a deeper discussion about trust and trust issues that were sewed more than a year ago.

After a long conversation tonight, I think we are on a good path, although I am not 100% sure.

I understand the trust issues.  I even understand Mistress’ sentiments on the laughter.

But for me-from my POV, there is more that I continue to not understand.

I have really made deep tries to be a good BF, a good sub and a good partner.  I try to share and exchange. I try to be open and communicative–and I think I succeed.  But there are days like today where I feel like I fail

And it gnaws at me.

I try to do the right things-not only as a sub, but as a BF.  When Mistress got back to her office from her vacation-I made sure there was fresh flowers waiting for her.  When Mistress is feeling down and depressed I try to cheer her up.  I have sent flowers to lift her spirits.  And I did these things out of love and devotion to my Mistress, my GF and my partner–never thinking about it, other than hoping it would make Mistress feel a little better.

As I read Mistress’ blog-her POV-I saw her thoughts on the vanilla in our relationship–and how she has returned to pro-Domme work as a result.  So this is not the reason she initially gave me.  Which gnaws at me.

Tonight, Mistress brought up trust issues.  This is the stuff that goes back–the seeds I sewed long ago.  Trust issues, and I can deal with what I ddi in the past, and I am trying to go forward.  But then on NYE, while I was in a time zone five hours behind Mistress, she told me she was taking in a quiet night at home since it was so cold in NYC.  Turns out feeling depressed, she found a friend on Craig’s list and went over to play monopoly and talk.  Only my GF, Mistress and partner did not shre that with me.  Instead I kind of had to stumble into it.

It gnaws at me.

Mistress explained-although I did not ask for any explantion–and I trust Mistress so I am not concerned. But still, I am dealing with trust issues from 14 months ago–and havingthings gnaw at me.

So,  now here I am.  A laugh that I don’t recall that has lead me to languish. A GF with trust issues, a Mistress who wants to look for others to dominate and a bagful of semi-answered questions.

Over the course of the year plus Mistress and I have been together, I have tried very hard not to be the typical guy or typical sub.  Instead, I have tried to treat Mistress as a woman, GF and partner–and our relationship as a caring D/s relationship-FLR at all times.  I love my Mistress. I love when she wears her fetish gear.  I have never asked her to do that for me.  Its not about the gear, its about her.  In fact, the last time I saw Mistress in her fetish gear was the night we went to Paddles. It was kind of my coming out, and she invited another male sub along.  Yeah, it gnaws at me, but its for Mistress.

Yeah, its more languish than laugh.