Go Ahead, Ask Away

So, I am messing with Formspring–so have a question?

I’ll do my best to answer–not sure if I can, but WTF, may as well try.

Here is my Formspring.me

Holidays, Resolutions-and what we can do

Sometimes life is ironic, and sometimes irony just kind of finds you–and in my case, I think I look for irony.

Because nothing is ever simple and straightforward for me in my relationship with Mistress–Thanksgiving she ended up being alone as I at sort of the last-minute ended up with a packed car making a three-hour drive to a cousin’s house–kind of my inability to say no to my mom.

This Christmas holiday I am bouncing between my house and the hospitals as I try to keep the spirits of my kids up while their mom is hospitalized.  This morning at the hospital came a whole situation where the girls watched their mother refuse treatment in a very weird manner.  And here I am alone with the girls, trying to work them through it.  Understanding what its like to be alone for the holiday.

Mistress headed out to PA to be with the family of a friend, and I don’t begrudge her because while I am here with the girls, when she is alone, she is alone.

During our last fight, in an almost taunting way, Mistress told me, “And I have a date for New Year’s Eve.”  And again I don’t begrudge her that (and as it turns out Mistress and I will end up being together in some sort of strange setting for New Year) but sometimes lonely takes on many faces-and it’s not one size fits all.

Alone and together with an Yin and Yang–holidays are an interesting time of year.

Being the Port in the Storm

As far as relationships go, this has been one of the more interesting weeks for Mistress and me in the two years we have been together, and I think when all is said and done we are actually in a lot of ways closer now than we were a month ago.

Without going into deep detail of what is Mistress’ life, and because of the mess and pulls that I have going on in mine, Mistress started seeing someone.  And, well since it ended–it didn’t go well, or at least it didn’t end well.  Read more about it here and if you don’t have access Mistress can help you out.

As all of this was unfolding, Mistress and I were going through one of our epic kind of fights over an assortment of things, and some very familiar issues.  And because of that fight and the weight of my world crashing around me-I thought it best for Mistress and I to take a break.  Neither of us was happy and neither of us was getting what we wanted.

The one-two punch of that combined with the end of the short-lived “event” Mistress had with the other guy pushed her pretty hard–and I could tell how upset Mistress had become.  Gone was the icy “fine” I got when in the heat of our fight on Saturday night Mistress taunted me about breaking up.

Instead there was the loving and vulnerable woman I love and care for.  It was an easy and natural transition from sparring partners to loving partners–one of us was in need, and the other was there.  It’s a promise I made to the woman I love–and its one I made sure I upheld.

On the phone Sunday.  Tracking her down Monday morning. Holding her Monday night. Coffee Tuesday.  I am not sure if I was the reason Mistress was pulling out of it, but I wanted to be part of the solution-after all I have been part of the problem.

So yeah, when the seas got stormy for Mistress–I was there, a port in the storm, a place for her to hold on, and ride it out–and wait until she just felt better.

Today, Mistress and I had lunch, then down to what for whatever reason is one of our more intimate places–a subway platform.  I never wanted the train to come–even though I had to get back to the office. I was holding Mistress without a care in the world, and she was safe in my arms.  That’s enough to make me happy too.

About Regrets I Have A Few

It’s incredibly rare that I quote Frank Sinatra.  It’s not that I don’t like Sinatra, its more that it’s a little before my time, and when I was starting out in my career, I worked at radio stations that made a huge deal out of playing Sinatra songs or Elvis songs that their music kind of has a strange reaction in me.

But about regrets, yeah, I have a few.  In a more than two-year relationship with Mistress–one that has been hugely positive for me in many ways, I’ve learned in many cases the hard way that for every action there is a reaction–and it’s not always one that you would want.

I was not honest when our relationship started.  Because of the love I have for her I regret that.  And I pay for that with a lack of trust.  Action and reaction.

There was an issue where Mistress wanted me to tell her about contact I had with others in the community, and I failed her.  I pay for that.  Action and reaction.

But this week, or really the last couple of days I have wondered if it’s a two-way street, and I really don’t think so.  And I suppose for that, eventually I will discover the action and reaction.  Perhaps I am over reacting as Mistress says.  But I feel like her actions have put me and my girls in some amount of jeopardy.  While Mistress apologized, it does not change the feeling I have.  The fact that I have spent two days with my head on a swivel, tracking license plates, remembering faces–assuming I am being stalked.

Yes, there are actions and reactions.  Regrets I have.  But I have tried to learn from each and move on.  The last few days though have left me thinking its a journey I am on alone.  I try to be honest and respectful and it gets tossed back at me.

A few weeks ago I got an awful stomach virus. I literally left a meeting I was in to go and puke.  I was supposed to meet some friends in the city the night this set in.  And the bar was on the way to the train station, so I told Mistress I was going to stop by on my way and tell everyone I was sick, after all I was the “organizer” of this event.  One of the guests was a woman who hit on me once–which I told Mistress about.  After leaving the bar and making it to the train, I spent the next hour plus on the Long Island Rail Road puking in a train bathroom.

Mistress tried to call, but I just could not take the call.  I told Mistress I purposefully did not answer her because I was in no condition to.  Mistress was sure it was because I was at the bar with the other woman.  Action and reaction, right?  After a long and sometimes heated discussion I promise to be responsive, and in fact a couple of days later when Mistress called me and i was in a meeting I pulled out my phone and texted her during the meeting that I would call her right back.

So Friday night, I text Mistress.  At first she tells me she did not see the text until the next morning and did not respond.  Later out comes the real answer–she did not respond because she was doing something else.  Action and reaction, right?

Yeah, I have done things I regret, and learned some lessons along the way….

And for the record such as it is, Mistress has also made more healthy by making me  a vegetarian, has offered me a harbor from the nightmare that is my life.

But about those regrets….

Time is What I Have Right Now

it’s 6AM been up since 345. I guess nothing but time to think. Think about whats good. Think about what can be better and think about what could be.

somehow so many things kind of run together when I get into this kind of self reflection. can I be better to those I am around? Can I do more for those I love?

I am always my own worst critic. Sometimes it’s how I stay competitive Sometimes it’s how I beat myself up.

Right now it’s the latter. And what’s tough for me is that I am trying so hard. I need to be there for so many people right now. And mostly I am there for no one-not even myself.