The Needy Sub; I’ve Become That Guy

Ever cruise the listings on sites like CollarMe.com or alt.com? If you are reading this, I can only assume you have.

So, male subs-what is one of the phrases you see in the Domme listings at least 90% of the time?  Words to the effect, “needy subs need not apply.”  Now in context of those specific sites and the matchmaking milieu of sites, the “needy” is reference to subs who have a pre-conceived notion coming in and are expecting the Mistress to conform to their ideal (kind of topping from the bottom but with a different overtone).

Staying in context, I don’t think the above description fits me.  But it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I have become very needy of late, and sometimes lost in my own world of problems (as real and dire as they are) and made me that guy that not only a Domme doesn’t want, doesn’t find desirable they actually spell out how they are not interested.

Which in my case doesn’t help.

Last weekend for Valentine’s Day, Mistress and I went out to two dinners–and both ended with one of us in tears.  In this case we were not fighting–which is actually a good thing.  We were both caught up in our current personal struggles that we try to help one another with (and I honestly mean we do) but when faced with reality they are battles that have to be won personally.

I think in 2+ years together, this is the first time Mistress actually saw me cry.  I am not a guy who thinks it’s a sign of weakness to show tears, but I am a guy who does not cry.  I like to be in control of my emotions–even when outwardly people think I am flying off the handle its controlled and contrived to some extent.  I don’t show a lot of emotion, so when I am angry I actually want to make sure it is known.

But I digress.

As what I can best describe as dire (and that is truly the right word) changes happen on my home front, I am pulled deeper and deeper into dealing with it on a day-to-day basis.  Over the last three weeks, I have been in my office probably 3.5 days because I can’t get out from under the home front.

And while Mistress knows full well–she’s seen it–what is going on, I also think as she goes through a time of challenge and change she feels like she is being pushed away.

The funny thing is I can see the pattern unfolding.  After two years I can finally recognize it.  The problem now is that I am almost powerless to stop it–because the needy sub; at least right now-yeah, that’s me.