Asked and Answered

Sometimes its nice to hear someone else ask the questions–and get the context of the answers.

A Glass Half Full Outlook

So instead of stealing away for a dinner once or twice a week–Mistress and I are now able to steal away for a cup of coffee or lunch every now and then. We still have our weekly night-which we try to makespecial. But the time together is not what it once was.

Obviously this is not super-ideal. Mistress has blogged about this calling it “the trade off.”

I guess its true: We hurt the ones we love

To say the least this has been an eye opening night not all in a good way, but I honestly think that for the first time Mistress and I have actually shared at least most of our feelings-and put it on the line.

And the really odd part about it all was that the night was probably not going to be about that.

FLASHBACK:

It was Mistress’ 30th birthday weekend, and she flew home to northern CA to spend time with family and friends.  This has been a long slow curve ball for me, since Mistress was able to fly home via the largess of another sub male she is friends with.  This was an issue for me for weeks, and played out in several ways.

Friday night kind of capped it all–when the realization that Mistress–the woman I love–would share a hotel room with another guy…this prompted a semi-drunk call from me, and a fight ensued.

I sent Mistress a blog that was never published–that outlined my feelings and Mistress told me we would talk about it at another time.

So while I didn’t think we would cover it off tonight (we ended up doing that) we went in another direction–which prompted another in a long line of skirmishes and then fights.  Of late what has happened with Mistress and I is that when we fight, we get hung up on the micro-issues and never really get at the macro issue that we are fighting about.

I have called it (not originally) the 800 pound gorilla…you know, this guy:

It took us a few hours but we finally got to it–or at least the part of it that gives me pause….because apparently I hurt the one I love–not physically of course.

It was not the first time I heard this, but this time I got it. Perhaps it was Mistress’ crying over the Carpenters song…

Or perhaps it was the slouched over-wiped out look she had when I asked her repeatedly what she wanted to do (about our relationship) that it finally sank in….

According to Mistress–and I don’t think I can dispute this right now, I am angry and I tend to beat on myself–so when someone else begins to I get defensive quickly.

And upon some reflection she is right.

Looking internally–there is so much about myself and my life I want to change–but can not.

I have a dying wife at home.  A woman whom I do not love but its not a situation I can walk away from.  I think I have actually taken to avoiding my house because it is such a depressing place for me to be.

I juxtapose that to Mistress and her life. And yes, I know she is struggling right now, but she is on the path to doing well–and has freedom to make decisions and I am jealous.

Late last year, right after I had the incredibly ugly task of firing 15 people (budget) I saw a job I really like change.  So now, I am not all that happy going to work on a daily basis.  I am someone who works an incredible amount–12 hours is an average day for me.  Right now, its 12 hours of torture-doing work I don’t like.  Yeah, I know, boo-fucking-hoo right.  At least I am still getting paid.

I’ve never been that way about work.  Once you take a job or do a job only for the pay check–you are not being fulfilled–and I am not being fulfilled by my job.

So, most days, I go from a home that is akin to hell, or at least pergatory to a job that is hell.

Along the way, I get to ride the LIRR commuter rail–which as Mistress pointed out today “fucking sucks.”

Back at home, I have two great daughters. There is no one more lucky than me as far as kids go.  But I am scared shitless.  As I mentioned, my wife is dying–which means that more often than not, both halves of parental duty falls on me.  There I was dress shopping with the girls for an event later this month.  Then shoe shopping to go with the dresses, followed by accessorizing. You know what my biggest fear is? I am alone with them and one get her period (I have a couple of years).  Can I be good enough? and is “good enough” fair to them?  These are the things I think about. These are the things that keep me awake at night sometimes.

Then layered in is my relationship with Mistress.  I have done her wrong in the past–but I try to make it up to her.  I owe Mistress so much for making me a better person today than I was when she met me 18 or so months ago.  And I mean this in a spritual, emotional and physical sense.  I honestly don’t know where I would be today without her influence on me.

Then came tonight.  I bared my soul in a lot of ways–walking out on an emotional plank about the weekend.  Then somewhere, somehow the conversation we were having went south quickly, and it really did not recover.

And despite all of the hurt we shared…the wound that I walk away with that stings now, will sting tomorrow and is the one I need to figure out–is that I hurt the woman I love with the way I listen and act. Its not intentional, and I don’t even think I am angry–but I am also sure Mistress would not say this to me if it weren’t true.

So I have to figure out how not hurt the one I love–or once again in my life, I will make the one I love leave me–and as Mistress once pointed out to me…I will be an old man all alone.

So, its my birthday, and then what?

Well-today is my 42nd birthday-and for most of my life its not been an overly happy day for me.  And as I have gotten older, had kids, been in love, out of love, in love again–talking to friends the one thing I think I have never been able to convey is that for me, my birthday is a day that gets marked off the calendar.  Its not a day I stop and take stock, its not a day I look forward to quite honestly.  Its a day along the way.

There are more joyous days for me and honestly there are sadder days for me too throughout the year. And I know socially this is not the norm, and it adds to my conflict about birthdays it is what it is to me.

And to be clear, its not my aging. Yeah, I joke about being an old man, but I honestly do not feel like I am all that old.  Although it may take me an extra day to recover from a hockey game–I can still play.

No for me, my birthday comes at a point in the year where I am thinking about death and my own short comings–the things I don’t have and didn’t have–and then my birthday hits–and well honestly I am not in a celebratory mood.

But I screw on a happy face and thank my kids.  I try to avoid anyone who knows its my birthday so I don’t have to have a phony conversation with them about how nice it is, and pretend to be overly happy.  But that is me.

Then I also have issues with others–who are joyful on their birthdays and want to celebrate.  I guess its something I don’t get.  And my lack of understanding of this leads to problems.  I can see one coming at me now like a slow curveball.  Yet I will probably swing and miss.

And its not because I don’t want others to be happy and enjoy their day.  Its that since my birthday’s have been so emotionally challenging for me I think I project that onto other people.

I don’t begrudge anyone their day–and in fact usually (not always) I accept invitations to birthday parties, will take my kids to their friend’s birthday parties–because I don’t want my perception to taint those around me.

But I also need to figure out a way to convey to those who I let in just why this is so difficult–and after 35 years of birthday trauma–I still have not figured out how to do that.

Taking it to the Next Level, and What May Happen

After being together for more than a year in a mostly healthy FLR/Ds relationship I can honestly say I am incredibly happy with where Mistress and I are at–and hoping to be able to progress the relationship to the allusive “next level.”

One of the tried and truisms of that from a traditional BF/GF perspective is to try a vacation together–start with a couple of days and see how it goes and then grow it from there.

So, Mistress and I are going to try just that.

We’ll head out for a few days away tucked into what I am hoping is a nice hotel (looks good on the site) and be able to just be with each other–with fewer than normal outside competing forces (I can’t get completely off the grid but will do my best).

In any relationship, this is a pretty big step. For me, in this dynamic FLR/Ds its huge.

Mistress and I had dinner last night, and I talked about one of my concerns–and admittedly its not the biggest concern, but certainly something to think about.  But more importantly is my hope that this goes well, and its lets us grow our relationship together.

I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Back, and some thoughts

So, its great to be back. And by back, I mean back home after a 10 day Hawaiian vacation. Back in the same city as my Mistress for the first time in nearly three weeks (Mistress went on vacation right before Christmas, I left on Christmas day–we’ve been keeping up via text message, Twitter etc).

And the time away gave me a chance to do a lot of thinking about a lot of things. I won’t try to cover them all here-but one that I think I am internally ready to talk about (because I know Mistress reads this, there are some others not quite there yet):

By way of very quick background, Mistress and I first met in a professional setting. Mistress was (and is still sometimes) a pro-Domme in NYC.  After exchanging some email and other notes, I took the leap and booked a session-which I think in retrospect both Mistress and I will say did not go well.

It did spawn though a great relationship-where Mistress and I are able to communicate with one another, share things, be intimate, and share a great D/s dynamic. She is my Mistress, 100% of the time lock stock and barrel. I would have it no other way.

But she is also my GF, my lover, my partner, my friend-and I would have it no other way.

Read back through this blog or my Mistress’ blog to see how challenging that can be-its not easy. But then again nothing good is ever easy.

Back to the deep thoughts of the last three weeks.  Mistress recently decided to go back to actively marketing herself as a pro-Domme. Now this is an area that has me on edge.  For her safety first a foremost, then there are some insecurities I have with it all.  However, its something she wants to do, and I do my best to encourage her and help her.

Which brings me to the specific topic for this post.  Mistress and I have both posted about gifts-expectations, what we get, and even feeling a little let down by what we get. Its something we are working on.

To that end, Mistress is always D/s toy shopping. Looking for bullwhips, London Tanners products etc.

But to me, she is more than my Mistress. She is my GF, my lover, my partner–and when I get her things I want to reflect all of that–after all that is the special connection we have (or at least I like to think that).

But then I am conflicted, does she want the toys? Is that what her expectation is? Its where D/s and BF/GF cross–and even now, more than a year later is an area that I approach with caution.

Please let me apologize….

If its alright with the readers of this blog-and there is a healthy bunch, i’d like to take a few moments of your time to apologize to you, and to my Mistress.

In what i thought was a case of being deferential to my Mistress, i was not using standard capitalization in my writing. i was only capitalizing references to my Mistress.

This as it turns out was an embarrassment to my Mistress, and likely not a great reflection on me, or my readers-and for this i humbly apologize.

sometimes…all it takes is some conversation….

althogh
the rat thing may still be a little odd–and its something i telll my
staff all the time–just simply talking sometimes keeps things from
going afoul.

so Mistress and i took some time out today to talk
to each other–directly rather than about how we are toward one
another–and low and behold–all is well between us.

there are
things i know i need to do better, and it will mean i need to be able
to ask for help from Mistress when i am overwhelmed–and know that my
Mistress is there to support me–as much as i am there for Her.

thank You Mistress–it is truly an honor to be Yours.

changes that come in bunches

i guess its a little like the seasons–as spring dawns, the flowers bloom (and i sneeze) there are changes all about. the days get longer, the scenery gets brighter–and even here in nyc, things have a great feel to them.

this year, as the season’s change there are a lot of changes for my Mistress, for me, for my life, and for Her life and likely for our lives in general.  it may be that as the old song goes the seasons come and go–change change.

my Mistress moved to queens–into Her own place. i look forward to seeing it — and Her.  from what She has told me, its a beautiful place, and best of all it is all Hers.

making things a little complicated–and what would life be without hte complications–my personal life at least for the next six months will become very challenging.  we all carry something–and this one is mine.

if all goes well, i will see my Mistress and Her new place saturday–i can’t wait.

mama said there would be times like these…

sometimes there are times like these
Current mood: thoughtful

The Shirelles–among others have warned in song and lyric that, “Mama said there’s be day’s like these.” at least that’s what mama said.

so it through that prism that i look at the last couple of weeks–and even try to project ahead some. while there has been some moments of true triumph–my Mistress got Her own place and seems happy there–which of course makes me happy.  there have also been trying times–some personal, some professional, and some just because i have not been able to spend time with my Mistress, and when we do not get to spend time together, the important communication breaks down.

on the personal side–my relationship with my Mistress–who i love dearly–is complicated.  those complications, took a spin that will create a long six months ahead–something i know i can work though for my Mistress.

but then layer on top of that, some of the other immediate issues, and it has made for days (upon days) like these.

while my Mistress settles into Her new place, i know She needs some “stuff” and some help.  however, i have not been there to help Her.  this is something that ways heavily on me.  while the reasons are likely valid, it does not change the fact that i feel i have let my Mistress down.

i have a bunch of new responsibilities at work, and have been treading water to just keep up.

i have a dental problem that has been vexing to get corrected.

i have to attend a communion for the daughter of a friend who perished on 9/11–which is on my Mistress’ birthday.

there is a situation in my personal life that will be ongoing for the next six months–that will keep me unfocused on my Mistress for a few days every other week.

yeah…mama said there’d be days like these–but i think in the end i can find a way to meet all of the responsibilities, serve and worship my Mistress and realize that some of the days will be pleasant ones too.