Is it really alright?

Its been a week of dealing with things that I really can’t control–which is very frustrating to me–because the stakes are so high. And maybe some of this is just misplaced self pity.

But still, I have to wonder, is it really alright?

Something Happens When We Descend to the Depths……of NYC That Is

So, I realized something tonight–Mistress and I have some kind of a subway fetish. No really, we do.

A Proud Moment

Throughout the last four months, I think my relationship with Mistress has morphed as well–and for the better. I think we are closer than we have been–because we have really needed one another.

And I am so proud of Mistress for what she has accomplished–I know how hard the goal was, and I know how hard she worked….

Yesterday, I was in her new office, and met her new boss–and as she starts this next chapter of her life–one I hope she will let me remain a large part of–I want to offer:

Staking Out Ground-and Hold Fast

So today–we both ended up in a sad state, reminded of our own human frailties. And when confronting this, instead of starting from a point of evolution-I reflexively went for de-evolution and went back to the comfort zone-a place to start.

When Why is not a Crooked Letter

I know I could ask Mistress for anything–and if she could help me out she would–of course I have issues with asking for help–

But at least I know if I asked, I would never be asked why–because why is not a crooked letter anymore.

Taking it to the Next Level, and What May Happen

After being together for more than a year in a mostly healthy FLR/Ds relationship I can honestly say I am incredibly happy with where Mistress and I are at–and hoping to be able to progress the relationship to the allusive “next level.”

One of the tried and truisms of that from a traditional BF/GF perspective is to try a vacation together–start with a couple of days and see how it goes and then grow it from there.

So, Mistress and I are going to try just that.

We’ll head out for a few days away tucked into what I am hoping is a nice hotel (looks good on the site) and be able to just be with each other–with fewer than normal outside competing forces (I can’t get completely off the grid but will do my best).

In any relationship, this is a pretty big step. For me, in this dynamic FLR/Ds its huge.

Mistress and I had dinner last night, and I talked about one of my concerns–and admittedly its not the biggest concern, but certainly something to think about.  But more importantly is my hope that this goes well, and its lets us grow our relationship together.

I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

For Whom Does the Worm Turn?

As the discussion (45 minutes give or take) meandered through topics–one that came up which is one I have often thought about–and even from time to time have asked about was why do dominant women openly seek out “worms” to serve them. It seems so counter intuitive.

Pretty Close to Making it Just Right

Yeah, I know its three days after Valentine’s Day, but this is the first chance I have had to get my thoughts together–and I think at the end of the day things worked out pretty well, almost exactly as we had planned.

Sure there were some tense moments leading up, but in the end things went well.

Back in the Saddle Again

Oh what a night.

And I am not really sure why I am making arcane song references other than I feel really good about the night Mistress and I had last night.  I think it may have been what we both needed to “clear our heads” some of the issues and kind of go back to basics of our relationship.

As I mentioned yesterday (at my suggestion), Mistress and I began instituting a ‘fetish night” into our relationship.  Its a chance to step out of GF/BF and just be Mistress and sub.

So, all through the day, Mistress would taunt me text messages to be ready. I was told to be on highest of protocol and arrive at Mistress’ house fully cleaned inside and out.  This would mean I could expect some anal play.  As I was heading to Mistress’ house she further taunted me by telling me she had some stuff in mind.

When I arrived, Mistress was stunning (she always is, but last night in particular), with her leather corset, leather panties, black sheer stockings and prada boots.  I stopped the drool long enough to bow before her and present her the roses I bought for her and the hair spray she instructed me to arrive with.

After some greetings and boot worship, Mistress had me get  a towel out and assume a doggie position to “remind me who the bitch is” in our relationship.  This was a prolonged anal session that included my taking her cock in my ass, and stretching me out.  One of the nice things about how Mistress and I can play is that its not necessarily what you would call straight forward.  For some reason, I found it kind of funny that as  Mistress would push her cock into me, I could not keep my balance.  Deeper went the cock, and the further forward I would go.

I can tell you, my ass is still hurting on the inside from this.

After a clean up, it was off to Paddles.  I was carrying Mistress’ bag of canes and floggers and a second bag.  In that was my collar and leash, some sections of rope, a whip and Mistress’ still with tags on London Tanners collection.

I could only guess what was in store.

Upon arrival at Paddles Mistress staked out her favorite place–a throne in a corner of one of the side rooms.  There we spent some time chatting, some cuddling as Mistress let me hold her in her corset and just bask in her presence.  There was a small following of subbies around–Mistress kind of likes the attention, so its OK.

After a cup of coffee, it was time to get down to business.

Out came the London Tanners tools, down went my pants and over a spanking bench I went.  Admittedly, I am not much of a public player-but this was for Mistress and for us so eagerly I awaited what was coming.

So, here is where I have to admit perhaps I finally found my way to sub-space (or at least my little version of it).  I can’t really tell you what order the implements were used. I know the Rats Tail was in the middle and the Tawse (I think) was last.

The way the bench and the mirror was lined up, I really could not see what was coming at me. I could only see the crowd that had gathered.  And in what was an incredibly weird event during all of this, one of the would be males who was asking Mistress to serve her was doing a play by play and color commentary.

I am not sure how long all of this went on-I think north of 20 minutes though, and I have the bruises outside my ass to prove it (combined with the fucking I got last night my ass really hurts).  The full arsenal though was unloaded.  And yes, the Rats Tail still hurts like a MoFo.

Mistress is great during this though-she has just the right read of my mood, and knows when I can use a little kiss, or a whisper of encouragement.  One thing I can say, it was incredibly easy to concentrate on Mistress even with a swelling crowd and the chatter going on.

Then out came the whip.  Now I know Mistress has been working on her catwoman throw, and with the audience, I was kind of expecting it–although not necessarily while I was on the spanking bench.  But with her usual skill, the whip began kissing my skin.  Again, I could not see immediately behind me but go abut :40 in on this, and you can see the throw–

Mistress says she did 4 of them–my back has the bruises to prove that.

Then out came the cane. Mistress likes to mark my ass, as a not so gentle reminder of who it belongs to, and a constant reminder to me of her presence in my life.

Again, as the lashes came I could here the gasps of some of the audience-they must have been hard. I know they hurt.  Then came  a newer touch-the rapid fire caning.  Easily 15-20 lashes in rapid fire over a 30-45 second period, focused in a single spot.  That drove me right into the mirror in front of me, but I kept my ass out for Mistress to manipulate.

After a quick drink and snack at the bar and a tour around Paddles we went back into the side room.  There a Domme in training was working on a tranny slaves ass and a couple of other scenes were being played out.  While Mistress was talking to a tranny Top friend of hers, I watched a not-so elegant flogging session and a Mistress kicking her subs balls.

The tranny Top and bottom were an interesting couple, as I like to say the nice thing about the scene is there is room for everyone.

I think things went well, because back at Mistress’ we easily fell naked into one-anothers arms for what was the perfect ending to a great night out.

Thank you Mistress for having me, for putting up with me and for loving me.

Back, and some thoughts

So, its great to be back. And by back, I mean back home after a 10 day Hawaiian vacation. Back in the same city as my Mistress for the first time in nearly three weeks (Mistress went on vacation right before Christmas, I left on Christmas day–we’ve been keeping up via text message, Twitter etc).

And the time away gave me a chance to do a lot of thinking about a lot of things. I won’t try to cover them all here-but one that I think I am internally ready to talk about (because I know Mistress reads this, there are some others not quite there yet):

By way of very quick background, Mistress and I first met in a professional setting. Mistress was (and is still sometimes) a pro-Domme in NYC.  After exchanging some email and other notes, I took the leap and booked a session-which I think in retrospect both Mistress and I will say did not go well.

It did spawn though a great relationship-where Mistress and I are able to communicate with one another, share things, be intimate, and share a great D/s dynamic. She is my Mistress, 100% of the time lock stock and barrel. I would have it no other way.

But she is also my GF, my lover, my partner, my friend-and I would have it no other way.

Read back through this blog or my Mistress’ blog to see how challenging that can be-its not easy. But then again nothing good is ever easy.

Back to the deep thoughts of the last three weeks.  Mistress recently decided to go back to actively marketing herself as a pro-Domme. Now this is an area that has me on edge.  For her safety first a foremost, then there are some insecurities I have with it all.  However, its something she wants to do, and I do my best to encourage her and help her.

Which brings me to the specific topic for this post.  Mistress and I have both posted about gifts-expectations, what we get, and even feeling a little let down by what we get. Its something we are working on.

To that end, Mistress is always D/s toy shopping. Looking for bullwhips, London Tanners products etc.

But to me, she is more than my Mistress. She is my GF, my lover, my partner–and when I get her things I want to reflect all of that–after all that is the special connection we have (or at least I like to think that).

But then I am conflicted, does she want the toys? Is that what her expectation is? Its where D/s and BF/GF cross–and even now, more than a year later is an area that I approach with caution.