So, male subs-what is one of the phrases you see in the Domme listings at least 90% of the time?  Words to the effect, “needy subs need not apply.”  Now in context of those specific sites and the matchmaking milieu of sites, the “needy” is reference to subs who have a pre-conceived notion coming in and are expecting the Mistress to conform to their ideal (kind of topping from the bottom but with a different overtone).

Staying in context, I don’t think the above description fits me.  But it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I have become very needy of late, and sometimes lost in my own world of problems (as real and dire as they are) and made me that guy that not only a Domme doesn’t want, doesn’t find desirable they actually spell out how they are not interested.

Which in my case doesn’t help.

Last weekend for Valentine’s Day, Mistress and I went out to two dinners–and both ended with one of us in tears.  In this case we were not fighting–which is actually a good thing.  We were both caught up in our current personal struggles that we try to help one another with (and I honestly mean we do) but when faced with reality they are battles that have to be won personally.

I think in 2+ years together, this is the first time Mistress actually saw me cry.  I am not a guy who thinks it’s a sign of weakness to show tears, but I am a guy who does not cry.  I like to be in control of my emotions–even when outwardly people think I am flying off the handle its controlled and contrived to some extent.  I don’t show a lot of emotion, so when I am angry I actually want to make sure it is known.

But I digress.

As what I can best describe as dire (and that is truly the right word) changes happen on my home front, I am pulled deeper and deeper into dealing with it on a day-to-day basis.  Over the last three weeks, I have been in my office probably 3.5 days because I can’t get out from under the home front.

And while Mistress knows full well–she’s seen it–what is going on, I also think as she goes through a time of challenge and change she feels like she is being pushed away.

The funny thing is I can see the pattern unfolding.  After two years I can finally recognize it.  The problem now is that I am almost powerless to stop it–because the needy sub; at least right now-yeah, that’s me.

Among the ongoing battles I have dealt with lately is a really strange kind of “infection” that flares up at me from time to time–and last night was one of those times.  What made it worse last night was the plans that Mistress and I had started to unravel during the day-and we were kind of committed to making it work.

The plan a few weeks ago was to go to a scene event last night.  We were going to dress as characters from “Mad Men” which is Mistress’ current favorite show.  I had a throwback kind of suit, thin tie, white shirt.  Mistress had a pencil skirt, hot rollers for her hair and we were ready to go.  Alas, at nearly the last-minute the event was canceled.

Not to worry, the plan was to still get dressed up and do some role-playing type play at Mistress’ place.  I got there early, she had drinks with a client, so I was going to wait for Mistress to come back and we would have some fun.

On the list of issues I am dealing with is because of all that is happening in my life right now, sleep is a victim.  So I fell asleep on Mistress’ couch while she was out with her client.  Mistress’ appointment went long (more than 2 hours) and I woke up with the aforementioned “infection” flaring.

So we skipped the dress up part and tried a little cuddling and a little playing.  But I just could not get into it with my eye swelling up–so we stopped, and instead we just laid together naked, sleeping in each one another’s arms.

Yeah, waiting turned out to be tough, and gave the night a chance to fall off of plan–but it had a great ending, and a happy morning.

I’ll do my best to answer–not sure if I can, but WTF, may as well try.

Here is my Formspring.me

Because nothing is ever simple and straightforward for me in my relationship with Mistress–Thanksgiving she ended up being alone as I at sort of the last-minute ended up with a packed car making a three-hour drive to a cousin’s house–kind of my inability to say no to my mom.

This Christmas holiday I am bouncing between my house and the hospitals as I try to keep the spirits of my kids up while their mom is hospitalized.  This morning at the hospital came a whole situation where the girls watched their mother refuse treatment in a very weird manner.  And here I am alone with the girls, trying to work them through it.  Understanding what its like to be alone for the holiday.

Mistress headed out to PA to be with the family of a friend, and I don’t begrudge her because while I am here with the girls, when she is alone, she is alone.

During our last fight, in an almost taunting way, Mistress told me, “And I have a date for New Year’s Eve.”  And again I don’t begrudge her that (and as it turns out Mistress and I will end up being together in some sort of strange setting for New Year) but sometimes lonely takes on many faces-and it’s not one size fits all.

Alone and together with an Yin and Yang–holidays are an interesting time of year.

Without going into deep detail of what is Mistress’ life, and because of the mess and pulls that I have going on in mine, Mistress started seeing someone.  And, well since it ended–it didn’t go well, or at least it didn’t end well.  Read more about it here and if you don’t have access Mistress can help you out.

As all of this was unfolding, Mistress and I were going through one of our epic kind of fights over an assortment of things, and some very familiar issues.  And because of that fight and the weight of my world crashing around me-I thought it best for Mistress and I to take a break.  Neither of us was happy and neither of us was getting what we wanted.

The one-two punch of that combined with the end of the short-lived “event” Mistress had with the other guy pushed her pretty hard–and I could tell how upset Mistress had become.  Gone was the icy “fine” I got when in the heat of our fight on Saturday night Mistress taunted me about breaking up.

Instead there was the loving and vulnerable woman I love and care for.  It was an easy and natural transition from sparring partners to loving partners–one of us was in need, and the other was there.  It’s a promise I made to the woman I love–and its one I made sure I upheld.

On the phone Sunday.  Tracking her down Monday morning. Holding her Monday night. Coffee Tuesday.  I am not sure if I was the reason Mistress was pulling out of it, but I wanted to be part of the solution-after all I have been part of the problem.

So yeah, when the seas got stormy for Mistress–I was there, a port in the storm, a place for her to hold on, and ride it out–and wait until she just felt better.

Today, Mistress and I had lunch, then down to what for whatever reason is one of our more intimate places–a subway platform.  I never wanted the train to come–even though I had to get back to the office. I was holding Mistress without a care in the world, and she was safe in my arms.  That’s enough to make me happy too.

But about regrets, yeah, I have a few.  In a more than two-year relationship with Mistress–one that has been hugely positive for me in many ways, I’ve learned in many cases the hard way that for every action there is a reaction–and it’s not always one that you would want.

I was not honest when our relationship started.  Because of the love I have for her I regret that.  And I pay for that with a lack of trust.  Action and reaction.

There was an issue where Mistress wanted me to tell her about contact I had with others in the community, and I failed her.  I pay for that.  Action and reaction.

But this week, or really the last couple of days I have wondered if it’s a two-way street, and I really don’t think so.  And I suppose for that, eventually I will discover the action and reaction.  Perhaps I am over reacting as Mistress says.  But I feel like her actions have put me and my girls in some amount of jeopardy.  While Mistress apologized, it does not change the feeling I have.  The fact that I have spent two days with my head on a swivel, tracking license plates, remembering faces–assuming I am being stalked.

Yes, there are actions and reactions.  Regrets I have.  But I have tried to learn from each and move on.  The last few days though have left me thinking its a journey I am on alone.  I try to be honest and respectful and it gets tossed back at me.

A few weeks ago I got an awful stomach virus. I literally left a meeting I was in to go and puke.  I was supposed to meet some friends in the city the night this set in.  And the bar was on the way to the train station, so I told Mistress I was going to stop by on my way and tell everyone I was sick, after all I was the “organizer” of this event.  One of the guests was a woman who hit on me once–which I told Mistress about.  After leaving the bar and making it to the train, I spent the next hour plus on the Long Island Rail Road puking in a train bathroom.

Mistress tried to call, but I just could not take the call.  I told Mistress I purposefully did not answer her because I was in no condition to.  Mistress was sure it was because I was at the bar with the other woman.  Action and reaction, right?  After a long and sometimes heated discussion I promise to be responsive, and in fact a couple of days later when Mistress called me and i was in a meeting I pulled out my phone and texted her during the meeting that I would call her right back.

So Friday night, I text Mistress.  At first she tells me she did not see the text until the next morning and did not respond.  Later out comes the real answer–she did not respond because she was doing something else.  Action and reaction, right?

Yeah, I have done things I regret, and learned some lessons along the way….

And for the record such as it is, Mistress has also made more healthy by making me  a vegetarian, has offered me a harbor from the nightmare that is my life.

But about those regrets….

somehow so many things kind of run together when I get into this kind of self reflection. can I be better to those I am around? Can I do more for those I love?

I am always my own worst critic. Sometimes it’s how I stay competitive Sometimes it’s how I beat myself up.

Right now it’s the latter. And what’s tough for me is that I am trying so hard. I need to be there for so many people right now. And mostly I am there for no one-not even myself.

For me this year, it will be super stress, and it’s not starting off well.

Over the last three weeks I have spent hours at NYU Medical Center–first with Mistress then due to my home front.  And those trips will continue on throughout this joyous season.  Have you ever tried to navigate NYC at the height of the holiday season? Took me four hours to drive home today–45 minutes spent going from the corner of Park Ave and 34th St to the toll plaza at the Midtown Tunnel.

Tis the season though.

So here it is the night before Thanksgiving and all I want to do is disappear somewhere to the Caribbean and ride out the season there.

While juggling my girls in the city today while my wife was getting an MRI and follow with her neuro-oncologist I got a call from a cousin.  My mother put her Thanksgiving with his family on me–I have to drive her 2.5 hours or she won’t be having Thanksgiving.

Then there is Mistress who will be without family for the holiday–that’s on me too since I can’t take her with me or have her over (since as of 2:30 this afternoon I am not cooking).  And for that I get an I told you so.

And I can’t wait for Christmas to roll around either.  There will be chemo trips to the city on the week before Christmas and the week between Christmas and New Year.  Perfect times to navigate the wilds of Manhattan.

Way back–before I was in true holidays suck and I want to run away mode–Mistress was going to spend a couple of weeks (or more in CA) and I was going to take my girls to visit a friend in FL.  Looks like all of those plans have fallen apart–and the “I told you so’s” are already starting.

Can’t wait…

And hopefully 2010 is better.

Mistress was in the hospital this week.  She went in for what was supposed to be three days (72 hours) of tests.  Ended up being a full week.  Nothing bad, in fact I think it netted out as good news for her.

But I am wondering if I did all I could do to be supportive.  I know the answer is yes, but perception and reality are sometimes different.  I had a tough week, and so did Mistress.  But was there more I could have done?

I have to think more.  Right now, I don’t think so…but I have to think more…..

Mistress was scheduled to go for some medical tests today–nothing serious, but stuff that has to happen.  I was going to go hang with her.  But when that got canceled at the relative last minute-there was a chance for dinner to be on.

We met at a Cuban place in Union Square, and had a couple of mojitos and shared a shrimp dish–and had a great time.  Then a stroll over to the subway–where we do some of our best work and too short a ride up town.

I can still feel the way Mistress snuggles up to me as I nibble on her neck.  I can still taste her lips pressed against mine….

And it was all to sort as I watched Mistress’ subway continue uptown.