This is a quick post, but a question that I am pondering…did I do enough? or did I let Mistress down?  And unfortunately I think the latter.

Mistress was in the hospital this week.  She went in for what was supposed to be three days (72 hours) of tests.  Ended up being a full week.  Nothing bad, in fact I think it netted out as good news for her.

But I am wondering if I did all I could do to be supportive.  I know the answer is yes, but perception and reality are sometimes different.  I had a tough week, and so did Mistress.  But was there more I could have done?

I have to think more.  Right now, I don’t think so…but I have to think more…..

An unexpected surprise tonight-got to have dinner with Mistress and just be out and about and be ourselves.  Its been such a long time since we have been able to have that simple pleasure.   Life lately has been complicated for both of us–and in the case of tonight, it was a weird twist that allowed dinner to actually happen.

Mistress was scheduled to go for some medical tests today–nothing serious, but stuff that has to happen.  I was going to go hang with her.  But when that got canceled at the relative last minute-there was a chance for dinner to be on.

We met at a Cuban place in Union Square, and had a couple of mojitos and shared a shrimp dish–and had a great time.  Then a stroll over to the subway–where we do some of our best work and too short a ride up town.

I can still feel the way Mistress snuggles up to me as I nibble on her neck.  I can still taste her lips pressed against mine….

And it was all to sort as I watched Mistress’ subway continue uptown.

I realized a week or so ago that its been a while since I updated here–and still pushed it off for another week+.  And the reason? I’m not really sure.

Things with Mistress are in a pretty good spot right now, maybe I don’t want to jinx it.  Things in my personal life are a mess right now, maybe I am too overwhelmed.

Or maybe silence is golden-and I am trying to be rich.

It’s certainly an interesting time. I think Mistress and I are both going through a lot of change and upheaval in our personal lives.  Significant kinds of change for both of us–in very different ways.

And I think we have been super supportive of one another during this time, which has helped our relationship.  So that is all good.  But still it’s not something that I can easily express or quantify.

So into this mutual time of transition–together we go and hoping together we can prosper–with silence or not.

So earlier today (and might I add its been a long day here on the west coast) I blogged about frustration as it pertained to relationship issues with Mistress.

Now, there is a new kind of frustration…

I am in San Diego at a trade show. Its lots of meetings, random chit chat and generally good dining, too much drinking and basically boring.  And not to mention the fact i am so anti-social, that this is really hard for me.

Then in the middle of a meeting about an analytics package-including a mildly boring power point presentation…came this text from Mistress:

Mmmm….can’t wait for you to get home. Just thought of how good you feel fucking me and came.

Now Mistress forbids me from masturbating.  My cum is for her and none is to be wasted without her presence.

And if that were not enough there was this:

Then think on this – me naked in nothing but my black patent leather boots and opera length gloves grabbing you by your hair and shoving you to your knees to eat my pussy.

Well, that was enough for me.  Concentration on my meeting was over. I walked out and thought about how I am the luckiest guy there is….

And can’t wait to hold Mistress tight.

So as a dust-up between Mistress and I came to an end last week, she posed the question both in her blog and to me on the phone

Why is it we tend to hurt the ones we love most?

I think my boy and I do it and I don’t know why.

And as  a good sub, partner and lover I have spent some time thinking about this question.  And while I do not have an answer, I have a theory–and I am not sure how to prove it.

In the past both on this blog, and on Mistress’ blog we have attributed a lot of the friction that we deal with to the passion that is in our relationship.  But maybe its mutual frustration because our relationship has some built in limits that can be blockers.

I think both Mistress and I want more, and if you take a long-term look there is a future-but we have to get there.

The issues are well chronicled–so I won’t delve into them except to say over the last two weeks some of the issues that swirl around us have made changes–changes that require more attention from both of us–and leave us with less for one another.

I think that lack of attention causes frustration–which manifests itself with some hurtful messages and childish sniping that occurs from both ends.

It can be a vicious cycle, but it’s also something that I think ultimately helps us–taking a long view.

Lately–for a couple of weeks I would say, I have been thinking that life could be so much better with a rewind button.  And I don’t want to be greedy with this mind you.  I would love to rewind all the way back to the last game in the baseball season of my junior year in high school.

Now that’s not to say its all be shit since then mind you.  Just if I could rewind, I would probably not hang in on the play and my knee would not have gotten blown out.

But I digress.  The rewind button I am looking for would be to go back say 5 minutes at a time and try a moment again. There are a bunch of those as well.

But over the last couple of weeks it seems there are so many of them.  Like the decisions I am making are wrong or flawed.  Suddenly, life got more complicated and the way things inter-relate seem more complex.  The decision I make about A influences B, C, D and 1 and 2.

And what really kills me is that I just can’t project the ripple effect.  And I don’t know if that’s because it’s all so much more complicated, or if I am just not thinking about it all the right way.

Early this year I learned a valuable lesson.  It came with a price, but the lesson was very valuable.  There were a bunch of emails with random people which I was hiding from Mistress.  And to be honest I am not completely sure why I was hiding them–except for the fact that I didn’t want to hurt Mistress.  After all to me, these were meaningless emails.  Hollow cyber chit chat.  What Mistress and I have is real.

But that deception hurt Mistress.  And as it unfolded, I realize I hurt some of the people on the other end of the emails too.  So while it was idle chit chat–something to pass time while alone in a hotel room, there was two or three different lives for that material, and I just didn’t see it.

Now, I have a new frustration.  I can see it, but right now I feel so helpless to stop it.

If only I could rewind and try it again.  I am pretty sure second or third time through I would get it right.

The title is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately about my relationship with Mistress-because I have a sense that once again I am failing her and us.

Seems like for the last few months I have noted that finding time to be together has been a challenge on good days–and some news on my home front has me thinking things are not going to get better in the short term on that front (its likely that will change long term), but first we have to get through the short term.

Two case studies that have me asking if it’s really alright of late:

1. Mistress wants to go on a little tour of the leaves changing in the autumn. If you are not from the NE or have never seen it in this part of the country–it is truly special.  Even driving along you cant help but be overwhelmed by it.  But I am really concerned about money this month–and on top of that, the health issues in my home front will make getting out for a full day really tough to do.  I spoke to Mistress about this–without the health part-and she understands, but I have to wonder if it’s really alright.

2. Mistress wants to pop up to Salem, MA for Halloween. It’s actually a lot of fun.  I did this for work when I live in Boston–and its fun.  But I can’t go with her.  One is the money issue this week, but there is also having to juggle the girls and the house.  Again, Mistress says she understands, and I know she does.  But I still wonder if it’s really alright.

Its been a week of dealing with things that I really can’t control–which is very frustrating to me–because the stakes are so high.  And maybe some of this is just misplaced self pity.

But still, I have to wonder, is it really alright?

Sometimes its nice to hear someone else ask the questions–and get the context of the answers.

Case in point: Mistress and I did a podcast taping a few weeks ago for our friend @unspeakableaxe and his entertaining Masocast.  While there is nothing in the podcast that I did not know after two years, its interesting to hear them in a different way–and in response to questions that are not mine.

Kind of offers some insight, and some affirmation to me of where we are at today, and what could be ahead for us.

I have to admit over the last few weeks I have been kind of thinking about where Mistress are today and where we are going–because as life gets more complex for both of us sometimes I fear our relationship is suffering.

It’s not a revelation that time is a commodity.  And lately time has been tough to come by for both Mistress and I.  And my worry is that because of the demands on my time, Mistress will feel she is not top of my mind (she is) and perhaps she will slip away.

The Masocast is a chance to hear Mistress talk about her perceptions of our relationship-kind of unbridled because she is answering questions (and not from me).

Yeah, we have been through a lot over two years.

And I hope there is more ahead.

Mistress and I were talking the other night about freedom-and how much we control our lives, and our destiny or in my case how little control I have.

Now this all started out with some introspection on Mistress’ part. She is taking stock of herself-and feeling the pressure of building a career.

But for me the e exercise at midnight with a bottle of wine on a stoop in Queens was interesting. By all counts-I have a good career, am in a good spot-and have no control over my life or my destiny.

Amazing huh?

And after spending a good part of today running through it all-I am not sure when or how I can get that control back.

As the summer in NYC has heated up and reached sizzle (finally) the time Mistress and I are able to spend together has kind of waned.  And there are a lot of quality reasons for this: Mistress is starting a new career and needs to pay attention to that; my kids have a lot of  kids kind of things going on that they need transportation, stuff and support for; health wise things are not much better at home and on and on the list can go.

So instead of stealing away for a dinner once or twice a week–Mistress and I are now able to steal away for a cup of coffee or lunch every now and then.  We still have our weekly night-which we try to make special.  But the time together is not what it once was.

Obviously this is not super-ideal.  Mistress has blogged about this calling it “the trade off.”

Me, I think I look at it as being building a solid foundation for the future-its not ideal, but if you are looking long term its for the best.

Of course I would love to see Mistress more.  Of course I would love to hold her as I sleep (Saturday night was great). Of course I would love to be able to be there for Mistress 100% of the time.  But I have to look at it realistically-and right now with all being equal I can’t pull that off.

And I want Mistress to get her career going–and be the best she can be.  For what she is doing it requires total dedication and commitment to going full out full time.  I want to support Mistress in this completely–I want her to succeed and I want her success to be something she can be proud of.

So, we do the very best we can.  And I don’t make that last statement lightly.  Right now, we are doing the very best we can.

And that is better than just alright-its the best we can.

So, yes the glass is half full-and hopefully filling up some mre.