Something to Think About

So as a dust-up between Mistress and I came to an end last week, she posed the question both in her blog and to me on the phone

Why is it we tend to hurt the ones we love most?

I think my boy and I do it and I don’t know why.

Asked and Answered

Sometimes its nice to hear someone else ask the questions–and get the context of the answers.

Appreciation for the Smaller Things

Saturday night’s have become really special for me in the last year or so. Its the time I carve out and devote to Mistress-and by and large we manage to make sure that we make that standing night work for us.

As I have blogged here, some night’s is fet night, other nights we just hang out and watch TV, other nights we’ll go out to dinner or drinks, sometimes we’ll see some friends–the important part to the night for me is that we are together, no watching the time and we just get to be with one another.

Thinking, Prorgressing, Growing

While I hope this blog can be an archive of great an kinky exploits that Mistress and I share in–its also become part sounding board for me, which I find pretty cathartic. Probably annoying to many readers-but hey, its my blog, right?

Here is one of those cathartic type blogs–but in this case its part follow up, part break-through and part me just sort of taking stock:

Staking Out Ground-and Hold Fast

So today–we both ended up in a sad state, reminded of our own human frailties. And when confronting this, instead of starting from a point of evolution-I reflexively went for de-evolution and went back to the comfort zone-a place to start.

Its Supposed to be Fun

Over the weekend, Mistress and I went to a couples play-party in update NY. I won’t go into details as to where and what the group was because I want to respect the privacy of the group and the hosts of the weekend–but I did have a D/s ephiphany of sorts–its supposed to be fun.

Right Track–Now Hoping to Keep it all on Rolling Along

So, I just wanted to post a quick update since my last post on being selfless–because the feedback I got on that–from Mistress and from others was that the post was kind of negative and I don’t think I meant it to be.

Yeah, there is a tinge of jealousy in there–but I think that is normal (and Mistress agrees with that).  Honestly, I think I have a great relationship with Mistress–and if I could figure out a way to get out from under my situation on the home front–which is very complex I would.  The reality is I can’t just end it and walk out.  But I think there is an end that is closer now than ever before.

In a recent post on her blog Mistress outlined several feelings that she has–and one of them is sadness–sad for losing those she loves, sad for herself because she is unlovable.  It has this passage in it that I have spent a lot of time thinking about:

There are so many things that I feel he won’t/can’t do for me. In a way, it makes me start to lose interest too.

Before I address this directly–the couple of lines above this talk about an obsessive younger guy Mistress was seeing/training–who at one point threatened to kill her–and himself with the line, “I have a bullet with your name on it.”  Now that is not normal.

Among my fears is that Mistress will lose interest–and lose interest not because of what  I can or can’t do–but because some of what I want to do will just take more time than she can devote to me and us.  And that honestly makes me a little sad and a little scared.

But the reality is Mistress and I have a vibrant relationship–and we are able to talk about all of these issues–in an open and honest fashion. And that is so rare that it can only be a good thing for us as individuals and for us as a couple.

So, its not all bad–and in fact I hope its on the path to being right.  Now all i have to do is keep it all rolling along.

An Night in Fetish Land

Mistress and I ventured out to Paddles over the weekend–for our monthly agreed upon fet-night and some time together where we can both do something we enjoy.  I have to admit, from the trepidation the first time Mistress and I went to Paddles to last night my perspective has changed–and I now look forward to going (wish it were less than a $25/pp cover but that is a different story).

The night @ Paddles started out strangely–and kind of kept that theme going straight through.

Mistress likes to get there early so she can camp out in her favorite spot, so we left her place and got to Paddles around 915–the problem was that doors open at 10.  So, we had some time to kill.  Generally in NYC not a huge problem except Mistress was wearing her Prada’s and really could not do much NYC walking.  So, I went up 26th St. and got Mistress a nice salad from .Chipolte

Man does that smell.  It was torture sitting in the car with Mistress eating that salad.  So chipolte became the running joke for a safe word for the night.  A quick word about safe words–I have never used a safe word, and I truly believe at this point with Mistress its not really needed. I think she is so attuned to our dynamic she would know just how far to push.

Inside, Mistress and I ran into a friend and we spent some time catching up.  Then came some play.  Mistress was feeling a bit punchy I guess–because with my hands shackled over my head, Mistress spent more time spanking and punching then she did flogging and whipping–this is not to say there was none of that.  Special attention was paid to breast torture–which meant Mistress was in front of me most of the time–so we got some intimate time in.

For anyone watching, it must have seemed strange–Mistress and I enjoy play time, and tend to laugh and giggle a lot.  Not what anyone who watches D/s porn would expect to see.

It was also a slave auction night or something like it in Paddles–I am sure the event is generally better than what was displayed Saturday night (at least I hope it is).

I guess each person or couple who came in got some Paddles money–and at some point Goddess Lana ran an auction.  Subs (and some dom/mes) signed up.  Mistress threatend to put me up for auction–but then a Domme I had an on-line aquaintance with that ended badly showed up and Mistress cancled that plan.

So, Mistress had our Paddles money and did her thing during the auction. When she won someone, she went to go pay–and was talked into putting herself up for auction–with our Paddles money in hand.  Now everyone got $1.16M Paddles dollars on entry, and Mistress had just spent $8k on someone. So, I had no money in hand, and started bidding on Mistress-then came the $1.16M bid-what could I do, I was done.

So Mistress was bought by one sub, and had mercy bought two others–so they were on the floor in the back as I watched things unfold.  One was a little lost (best description I can come up with) and Mistress ended up releasing him–just could not follow even the simplest of orders.

The other two seemed more experienced, and Mistress did some whipping and flogging.

The one thing Mistress didn’t get to do was show off her signature whip flick–so we camped out on a couch for a bit and waited for the main stage at Paddles to open–except there was a fem-sub up there, with her owner working her over pretty good–an hour or so later–Mistress and I had spent a lot of quality cuddle time on the couch instead.

Fet Night Part Deux

So last night Mistress and I kept up our mutual promise to keep the kink in our relationship alive by doing our second fet night.  For those who need a little reminder, Mistress and I committed to setting time aside at least monthly to feed our fetish side–and be able to be straight up Mistress/slave (and less BF/GF) at least for a few hours.

And a fun night it was indeed.

I arrived at Mistress’ place around eight, and she was dressed for the part–easily I fell to my knees and worshipped Mistress’ ass as she stood before me in a tight black top, stockings and her Prada boots.  After some quality worship time it was off to Paddles.

it was a TES night at Paddles last night–some kind of Mardi Gras party–I didn’t quite get the difference in the night other than Goddess Coko walking around handing out beads (which was incredibly nice and both Mistress and I have plenty.

We got there at the tail end of a TES (I think) spanking discussion group.  Mistress and I sat down for the end of that. Not sure overall what to think of the event, but like most of the scene type events I have gone to it seemed OK.  What Mistress will likely admit was a huge coupe for her for the night, after the session ended, someone (I think a switch) who was at the seminar came to Mistress and introduced herself as a regular reader of Mistress’ blog.

The night had lot of fits and starts…first Mistress and I did a very playful scene on the rack bed in Paddles.  Mistress had my hands up over my head (stretched out my back nicely) and we did some tickling and some bastinado foot bondage. This was a first for me.  During this, while some pain was inflicted, Mistress was very sensuous, and we laughed a lot.

Mistress would later make up for that–as I spent a solid 45 minutes over the whipping post.  Mistress can really dish during these times–and I am determined to not just take what Mistress administers, but to do so with the thought that I cam pleasing my Mistress.

This was an interesting session as well–because by this time, along with the Mardis Gras crew there was an additional group of TES newbies in the place–so there was quite the crowd, and quite the crowd who had never seen a beating like Mistress can administer.

Have I ever mentioned Mistress is always one to play to a crowd?

So, as soon as there was a nice gathering, she unfurled her signature Catwoman whip throw to the ooohs and ahhs of the audience.  Along the way there was a lot of questions and Mistress (as she is apt to do) spent time answering others on technique and product.

I ended up with a nice hot ass, some marks on my back, and Mistress says a little blood was spilled.

Perhaps one of the moments right after though was truly a cap on the night. A couple of members from the newbie group came up to chit-chat.  Now I just spent 45 minutes over the whipping post, was a little dehydrated and was kind of coming out of my little sub-space. And the reality is some of the questions were pretty dumb.  So I didn’t say anything.

One of the newbies asked if I was allowed to speak–I did manage not to say, “Yeah. Just don’t see the need to speak with you.” Just keeping it real yo.

Mistress and I spent some time at the Paddles bar area–commenting on some of the folks we saw and scenes that played out–and yes Mistress there are others who like to show off all the moves–

Then tired, in love and feeling good it was off to bed to hold my Mistress’ naked body against mine.

Loving fet nights, and loving my Mistress.

Projecting-the Pros and Cons

So Mistress and I had a little dust-up yesterday and today–and this time probably because of a lack of proximity it played out in public–something I am ashamed of because I know better and still as someone pointed out–I didn’t count to 10.

The upshot of the issue was some ripples in my pond with a death in the family that will impinge, but not eliminate Valentine’s Day plans–and how I project my expectations upon Mistress and the way I interpret what I read and don’t read.

I am not sure all of the ins and outs are necessary to the story.  But I took in context:  an unintentional slight and a blog posted jab as a combined snarky remark. And instead of dealing with it how I would want to be dealt with got snarky myself.  Now I know from when I was five and brawling with my brothers two wrongs don’t make a right–but  I projected what I would do onto Mistress–and when that did not happen I guess in context of this paragraph, I got my snark up.

And I know better–which for me is strike two in this case.

I am not perfect. I am not a perfect sub, I am not a perfect slave, I am not a perfect boyfriend and I am not a perfect husband.  For me my marriage is a sham-its dead. But actually ending it is another problem because of ongoing health issues (hers).

My reality is that I love Mistress-very much and with the exception of my kids she is the most important person in my life–and I am not sure why she keeps me around. I have a tendency to break her heart-sometimes by just doing what I think is right, sometimes by ommission, sometimes by commission and sometimes well, shit just happens.

I think so much of our relationship is built upon the fact that I do not portray her as a stereotype–but rather as a loving, caring person.  But sometimes I think that in her eyes I fail because I am not the stereotype, and I can not be the stereotype.

So yesterday, I projected my reactions–and instead of workign through an issue I enjoined it.