The Rewind Button

I have been thinking that life could be so much better with a rewind button. And I don’t want to be greedy with this mind you. I would love to rewind all the way back to the last game in the baseball season of my junior year in high school.

Now that’s not to say its all be shit since then mind you. Just if I could rewind, I would probably not hang in on the play and my knee would not have gotten blown out.

But I digress. The rewind button I am looking for would be to go back say 5 minutes at a time and try a moment again. There are a bunch of those as well.

Is it really alright?

Its been a week of dealing with things that I really can’t control–which is very frustrating to me–because the stakes are so high. And maybe some of this is just misplaced self pity.

But still, I have to wonder, is it really alright?

Asked and Answered

Sometimes its nice to hear someone else ask the questions–and get the context of the answers.

Disclosure….

Just a random thought this morning….when you do full disclosure who is there to be the judge? If you promise to be an open book and share is there a threshold for the totality? Or is that the elusive mutual trust?

From Behind the 8-Ball

One of the biggest challenges in any relationship is the ability to communicate–and despite the fact that I communicate for a living, am an avid user of email, Twitter, instant message and text along with assorted kink and vanilla social network sites.  And yet, somehow the nuances of communication in a relationship seems to elude me.

And I have to admit that I think that perhaps a I try too hard and should let it be more natural.

Over nearly two years, Mistress and I have gone through a lot-and a lot of it has been communication related.  I under communicate, and I know it.  When we fight, Mistress and I are passionate people and emotions jump into the fray.

One of the things about communicating in an emotional state I am trying to work on is keeping my emotions and check-and trying to discuss facts and feelings and not let my feelings become a part of the equation.

The last couple of weeks though-Mistress and I have had little “outbursts.”  In both cases I completely understand the way Mistress has seen things–but the facts she has cobbled together are not full and the conclusion just not right.  Yet, she not only presents these as fully-baked arguments, they are laced with accusations of lying to her, or trying to cheat on her or trying to intentionally hurt her.

And while all of those outcomes are the furthest from the truth-when she brings them to me, they come as accusations.  Now what is the nominal reaction to an accusation-defend.  A response to an accusation by its nature is defensive–especially when the fullness of what occured is not there.

Yet, somehow I have been cast as the villain and arguing the negative–proving that the conclusion is wrong.  I can’t help but think back to a law professor I once had–if you have a good case pound the law, if you have nothing pound the table.

But lately I feel like I am pounding myself.

Looking inward trying to see where I could have done better, trying to be a better person for Mistress, for us and for myself.

Its the Details, Always the Details

Someone in a professional setting who I respect for his business acumen once said to me-the devil’s in the details. And in life too–the devil’s in the details.

Even When I am Not On the “A” Game, Mistress Loves Me….ahhhhh

I realize that I have kind of neglected this space some over the last few weeks, and its not intentional.  I am kind of on the verge of having a new blog to post–which is kind of a follow up to the last post I made (two weeks ago).  One of the reasons that has been so tough in coming out is because of the super hectic schedule I have been keeping the last two weeks….

I was in LA for two days two weeks ago, red-eyed home to make a 5 hour drive to a weekend long family event. Home in time to plan out a day trip to Boston (from NYC) and then make that trip.

In between, I have had to deal wtih a bunch of homefront shit, crazy last minute scheduling there and my oldest daughter’s birthday (she is still under 10 so these are really important to her).

Which brings us to tonight.

Mistress is really starting to do well with her new career in financial planning (if anyone needs some insights let me know and I will hook you up with Mistress for some consulting).  She is doing so well that our time together is paying the price right now–but this is a short term thing–and I want Mistress to keep on pushing it and be super successful.

Tonight was our chance to have some time together this week.  And in my mind, I sleep walked through the dinner.  I am just so fucking tired–beyond that point where you are over-tired and can function.  I just feel slow and tonight I felt like I was about two minutes behind the conversation–so I did not do my job holding up my end.

The good news though is that Mistress is so excited about her new career, she loves talking about it.

The other good news is that Mistress knows all of the details and this was not a problem.

And I am on my own case becaue to me, time with Mistress is premium, and I want it to be special. In my mind, tonight I was witty and full of energy.

In reality, I barely kept up with conversation and puncuated every statement I made with a yawn.

Still though Mistress hugged me, kissed me and made me feel special…

And this is why I love Mistress–because every now and then, I don’t have to bring the “A” game, and Mistress will cover for me.

Perhaps soon, I will be ready to take on that other post…in the mean time, no one has a better partner, lover, Mistress, girlfriend and friend than I do.

Thinking, Prorgressing, Growing

While I hope this blog can be an archive of great an kinky exploits that Mistress and I share in–its also become part sounding board for me, which I find pretty cathartic. Probably annoying to many readers-but hey, its my blog, right?

Here is one of those cathartic type blogs–but in this case its part follow up, part break-through and part me just sort of taking stock:

I guess its true: We hurt the ones we love

To say the least this has been an eye opening night not all in a good way, but I honestly think that for the first time Mistress and I have actually shared at least most of our feelings-and put it on the line.

And the really odd part about it all was that the night was probably not going to be about that.

FLASHBACK:

It was Mistress’ 30th birthday weekend, and she flew home to northern CA to spend time with family and friends.  This has been a long slow curve ball for me, since Mistress was able to fly home via the largess of another sub male she is friends with.  This was an issue for me for weeks, and played out in several ways.

Friday night kind of capped it all–when the realization that Mistress–the woman I love–would share a hotel room with another guy…this prompted a semi-drunk call from me, and a fight ensued.

I sent Mistress a blog that was never published–that outlined my feelings and Mistress told me we would talk about it at another time.

So while I didn’t think we would cover it off tonight (we ended up doing that) we went in another direction–which prompted another in a long line of skirmishes and then fights.  Of late what has happened with Mistress and I is that when we fight, we get hung up on the micro-issues and never really get at the macro issue that we are fighting about.

I have called it (not originally) the 800 pound gorilla…you know, this guy:

It took us a few hours but we finally got to it–or at least the part of it that gives me pause….because apparently I hurt the one I love–not physically of course.

It was not the first time I heard this, but this time I got it. Perhaps it was Mistress’ crying over the Carpenters song…

Or perhaps it was the slouched over-wiped out look she had when I asked her repeatedly what she wanted to do (about our relationship) that it finally sank in….

According to Mistress–and I don’t think I can dispute this right now, I am angry and I tend to beat on myself–so when someone else begins to I get defensive quickly.

And upon some reflection she is right.

Looking internally–there is so much about myself and my life I want to change–but can not.

I have a dying wife at home.  A woman whom I do not love but its not a situation I can walk away from.  I think I have actually taken to avoiding my house because it is such a depressing place for me to be.

I juxtapose that to Mistress and her life. And yes, I know she is struggling right now, but she is on the path to doing well–and has freedom to make decisions and I am jealous.

Late last year, right after I had the incredibly ugly task of firing 15 people (budget) I saw a job I really like change.  So now, I am not all that happy going to work on a daily basis.  I am someone who works an incredible amount–12 hours is an average day for me.  Right now, its 12 hours of torture-doing work I don’t like.  Yeah, I know, boo-fucking-hoo right.  At least I am still getting paid.

I’ve never been that way about work.  Once you take a job or do a job only for the pay check–you are not being fulfilled–and I am not being fulfilled by my job.

So, most days, I go from a home that is akin to hell, or at least pergatory to a job that is hell.

Along the way, I get to ride the LIRR commuter rail–which as Mistress pointed out today “fucking sucks.”

Back at home, I have two great daughters. There is no one more lucky than me as far as kids go.  But I am scared shitless.  As I mentioned, my wife is dying–which means that more often than not, both halves of parental duty falls on me.  There I was dress shopping with the girls for an event later this month.  Then shoe shopping to go with the dresses, followed by accessorizing. You know what my biggest fear is? I am alone with them and one get her period (I have a couple of years).  Can I be good enough? and is “good enough” fair to them?  These are the things I think about. These are the things that keep me awake at night sometimes.

Then layered in is my relationship with Mistress.  I have done her wrong in the past–but I try to make it up to her.  I owe Mistress so much for making me a better person today than I was when she met me 18 or so months ago.  And I mean this in a spritual, emotional and physical sense.  I honestly don’t know where I would be today without her influence on me.

Then came tonight.  I bared my soul in a lot of ways–walking out on an emotional plank about the weekend.  Then somewhere, somehow the conversation we were having went south quickly, and it really did not recover.

And despite all of the hurt we shared…the wound that I walk away with that stings now, will sting tomorrow and is the one I need to figure out–is that I hurt the woman I love with the way I listen and act. Its not intentional, and I don’t even think I am angry–but I am also sure Mistress would not say this to me if it weren’t true.

So I have to figure out how not hurt the one I love–or once again in my life, I will make the one I love leave me–and as Mistress once pointed out to me…I will be an old man all alone.

He’s Back, Now Where are the Bananas?

Last week I wrote about the sinking feeling I was getting that in my relationship with Mistress, there was an 800 pound gorilla in the room waiting to pounce.  Its kind of how I expressed my feeling that there was something else going on between Mistress and I. Something that was affecting the quality of our relationship as BF/GF.

After some disucssion, and some time together, I was beginning to think Mistress was right, and there was nothing lurking just over there.

But now that feeling is back-and stronger than ever.  And the bigger concern I have is that the 800 pound gorilla THIS time around may be me.

I have always struggled with communications and communication skills.  Which is kind of odd given that I work in the communications industry, but that aside–my inter-personal communication skills are not great.

I internalize.  I do not easily share. I take things very personally.  I get very frustrated when I can not express myself as clearly as I think I am. I really do not know and react well socially to situations–like if someone starts crying at a restaurant–I freeze.I hope that my failures as a communicator are somewhat offset by the actions I take.  I try to be selfless. I will sacrifice my fulfillment so others can enjoy.  When Mistress needed a client to help close off on her new career, I went in open minded listened and signed-up.  When my children want to go to a carnival, but I want to watch a ball game, I go.  I do these things because I know in so many other aspects I am not easy to be with.

One of the dynamics of my relationship with Mistress is the BF/GF part–and the way Mistress has worked hard to get me to share with her. There really is no one else I share with–even when I was in counseling, I just was not able to open up to the counselor the way I open up to Mistress.

Of late though, Mistress has not felt able to open up to me because she fears I am too judgemental, will become defensive and this tends to escalate into a broader argument.  I don’t actually agree with points one and two, but on point three, I concur.  So many times of late relatively small things have escalated–and its very trying physically and emotionally.  And we have been trying not to let things escalate.

I have tried to do that by perhaps over-sharing, which may not be a healthy tack. Mistress I think has gone the other way and has reserved and held back.

And now we are back at the lager head we were trying to avoid.

So am I the cancer to this relationship? I am beginning to think I may well be.  And I

This weekend as a case-study.

Mistress wanted to have a picnic in the park. I thought this would be a great chance for her to spend time with my kids.  Mistress and I talked about setting up a blanket, playing games getting some food from Whole Foods etc.

My kids, saw this as a chance to play in Central Park, go out on a row boat–things they like to do in Central Park.

Since I thought this was about spending time together–I let the kids roll.  However, Mistress was not happy because it was not the way she envisioned the picnic.  I tried to make sure everyone was happy–now half the people who were there (and all who are over the age of 10) are unhappy and sulking.  And what makes this worse to me is that when I saw Mistress last night, she was very reticent to tell me this–and that hurts me almost even more.

And her concerns were because she did not want  yelling or  a fight–instead we have have a discussion on Twitter, half on BB IM and nothing actually resolved.

So while I still think there maybe an 800 pound gorilla out there in a dark corner waiting to pounce on my relationship with the woman I love–and who I want my kids to love….right now, I am looking in the mirror at a different 800 pound gorilla–and not sure how to put him back in his cage.