About Regrets I Have A Few

It’s incredibly rare that I quote Frank Sinatra.  It’s not that I don’t like Sinatra, its more that it’s a little before my time, and when I was starting out in my career, I worked at radio stations that made a huge deal out of playing Sinatra songs or Elvis songs that their music kind of has a strange reaction in me.

But about regrets, yeah, I have a few.  In a more than two-year relationship with Mistress–one that has been hugely positive for me in many ways, I’ve learned in many cases the hard way that for every action there is a reaction–and it’s not always one that you would want.

I was not honest when our relationship started.  Because of the love I have for her I regret that.  And I pay for that with a lack of trust.  Action and reaction.

There was an issue where Mistress wanted me to tell her about contact I had with others in the community, and I failed her.  I pay for that.  Action and reaction.

But this week, or really the last couple of days I have wondered if it’s a two-way street, and I really don’t think so.  And I suppose for that, eventually I will discover the action and reaction.  Perhaps I am over reacting as Mistress says.  But I feel like her actions have put me and my girls in some amount of jeopardy.  While Mistress apologized, it does not change the feeling I have.  The fact that I have spent two days with my head on a swivel, tracking license plates, remembering faces–assuming I am being stalked.

Yes, there are actions and reactions.  Regrets I have.  But I have tried to learn from each and move on.  The last few days though have left me thinking its a journey I am on alone.  I try to be honest and respectful and it gets tossed back at me.

A few weeks ago I got an awful stomach virus. I literally left a meeting I was in to go and puke.  I was supposed to meet some friends in the city the night this set in.  And the bar was on the way to the train station, so I told Mistress I was going to stop by on my way and tell everyone I was sick, after all I was the “organizer” of this event.  One of the guests was a woman who hit on me once–which I told Mistress about.  After leaving the bar and making it to the train, I spent the next hour plus on the Long Island Rail Road puking in a train bathroom.

Mistress tried to call, but I just could not take the call.  I told Mistress I purposefully did not answer her because I was in no condition to.  Mistress was sure it was because I was at the bar with the other woman.  Action and reaction, right?  After a long and sometimes heated discussion I promise to be responsive, and in fact a couple of days later when Mistress called me and i was in a meeting I pulled out my phone and texted her during the meeting that I would call her right back.

So Friday night, I text Mistress.  At first she tells me she did not see the text until the next morning and did not respond.  Later out comes the real answer–she did not respond because she was doing something else.  Action and reaction, right?

Yeah, I have done things I regret, and learned some lessons along the way….

And for the record such as it is, Mistress has also made more healthy by making me  a vegetarian, has offered me a harbor from the nightmare that is my life.

But about those regrets….

So Why Do I Feel Like Shit?

Tis the season, or so they say.

For me this year, it will be super stress, and it’s not starting off well.

Over the last three weeks I have spent hours at NYU Medical Center–first with Mistress then due to my home front.  And those trips will continue on throughout this joyous season.  Have you ever tried to navigate NYC at the height of the holiday season? Took me four hours to drive home today–45 minutes spent going from the corner of Park Ave and 34th St to the toll plaza at the Midtown Tunnel.

Tis the season though.

So here it is the night before Thanksgiving and all I want to do is disappear somewhere to the Caribbean and ride out the season there.

While juggling my girls in the city today while my wife was getting an MRI and follow with her neuro-oncologist I got a call from a cousin.  My mother put her Thanksgiving with his family on me–I have to drive her 2.5 hours or she won’t be having Thanksgiving.

Then there is Mistress who will be without family for the holiday–that’s on me too since I can’t take her with me or have her over (since as of 2:30 this afternoon I am not cooking).  And for that I get an I told you so.

And I can’t wait for Christmas to roll around either.  There will be chemo trips to the city on the week before Christmas and the week between Christmas and New Year.  Perfect times to navigate the wilds of Manhattan.

Way back–before I was in true holidays suck and I want to run away mode–Mistress was going to spend a couple of weeks (or more in CA) and I was going to take my girls to visit a friend in FL.  Looks like all of those plans have fallen apart–and the “I told you so’s” are already starting.

Can’t wait…

And hopefully 2010 is better.

 

The Rewind Button

I have been thinking that life could be so much better with a rewind button. And I don’t want to be greedy with this mind you. I would love to rewind all the way back to the last game in the baseball season of my junior year in high school.

Now that’s not to say its all be shit since then mind you. Just if I could rewind, I would probably not hang in on the play and my knee would not have gotten blown out.

But I digress. The rewind button I am looking for would be to go back say 5 minutes at a time and try a moment again. There are a bunch of those as well.

Is it really alright?

Its been a week of dealing with things that I really can’t control–which is very frustrating to me–because the stakes are so high. And maybe some of this is just misplaced self pity.

But still, I have to wonder, is it really alright?

Asked and Answered

Sometimes its nice to hear someone else ask the questions–and get the context of the answers.

Disclosure….

Just a random thought this morning….when you do full disclosure who is there to be the judge? If you promise to be an open book and share is there a threshold for the totality? Or is that the elusive mutual trust?

From Behind the 8-Ball

One of the biggest challenges in any relationship is the ability to communicate–and despite the fact that I communicate for a living, am an avid user of email, Twitter, instant message and text along with assorted kink and vanilla social network sites.  And yet, somehow the nuances of communication in a relationship seems to elude me.

And I have to admit that I think that perhaps a I try too hard and should let it be more natural.

Over nearly two years, Mistress and I have gone through a lot-and a lot of it has been communication related.  I under communicate, and I know it.  When we fight, Mistress and I are passionate people and emotions jump into the fray.

One of the things about communicating in an emotional state I am trying to work on is keeping my emotions and check-and trying to discuss facts and feelings and not let my feelings become a part of the equation.

The last couple of weeks though-Mistress and I have had little “outbursts.”  In both cases I completely understand the way Mistress has seen things–but the facts she has cobbled together are not full and the conclusion just not right.  Yet, she not only presents these as fully-baked arguments, they are laced with accusations of lying to her, or trying to cheat on her or trying to intentionally hurt her.

And while all of those outcomes are the furthest from the truth-when she brings them to me, they come as accusations.  Now what is the nominal reaction to an accusation-defend.  A response to an accusation by its nature is defensive–especially when the fullness of what occured is not there.

Yet, somehow I have been cast as the villain and arguing the negative–proving that the conclusion is wrong.  I can’t help but think back to a law professor I once had–if you have a good case pound the law, if you have nothing pound the table.

But lately I feel like I am pounding myself.

Looking inward trying to see where I could have done better, trying to be a better person for Mistress, for us and for myself.

Its the Details, Always the Details

Someone in a professional setting who I respect for his business acumen once said to me-the devil’s in the details. And in life too–the devil’s in the details.

Even When I am Not On the “A” Game, Mistress Loves Me….ahhhhh

I realize that I have kind of neglected this space some over the last few weeks, and its not intentional.  I am kind of on the verge of having a new blog to post–which is kind of a follow up to the last post I made (two weeks ago).  One of the reasons that has been so tough in coming out is because of the super hectic schedule I have been keeping the last two weeks….

I was in LA for two days two weeks ago, red-eyed home to make a 5 hour drive to a weekend long family event. Home in time to plan out a day trip to Boston (from NYC) and then make that trip.

In between, I have had to deal wtih a bunch of homefront shit, crazy last minute scheduling there and my oldest daughter’s birthday (she is still under 10 so these are really important to her).

Which brings us to tonight.

Mistress is really starting to do well with her new career in financial planning (if anyone needs some insights let me know and I will hook you up with Mistress for some consulting).  She is doing so well that our time together is paying the price right now–but this is a short term thing–and I want Mistress to keep on pushing it and be super successful.

Tonight was our chance to have some time together this week.  And in my mind, I sleep walked through the dinner.  I am just so fucking tired–beyond that point where you are over-tired and can function.  I just feel slow and tonight I felt like I was about two minutes behind the conversation–so I did not do my job holding up my end.

The good news though is that Mistress is so excited about her new career, she loves talking about it.

The other good news is that Mistress knows all of the details and this was not a problem.

And I am on my own case becaue to me, time with Mistress is premium, and I want it to be special. In my mind, tonight I was witty and full of energy.

In reality, I barely kept up with conversation and puncuated every statement I made with a yawn.

Still though Mistress hugged me, kissed me and made me feel special…

And this is why I love Mistress–because every now and then, I don’t have to bring the “A” game, and Mistress will cover for me.

Perhaps soon, I will be ready to take on that other post…in the mean time, no one has a better partner, lover, Mistress, girlfriend and friend than I do.

Thinking, Prorgressing, Growing

While I hope this blog can be an archive of great an kinky exploits that Mistress and I share in–its also become part sounding board for me, which I find pretty cathartic. Probably annoying to many readers-but hey, its my blog, right?

Here is one of those cathartic type blogs–but in this case its part follow up, part break-through and part me just sort of taking stock: