About Regrets I Have A Few

It’s incredibly rare that I quote Frank Sinatra.  It’s not that I don’t like Sinatra, its more that it’s a little before my time, and when I was starting out in my career, I worked at radio stations that made a huge deal out of playing Sinatra songs or Elvis songs that their music kind of has a strange reaction in me.

But about regrets, yeah, I have a few.  In a more than two-year relationship with Mistress–one that has been hugely positive for me in many ways, I’ve learned in many cases the hard way that for every action there is a reaction–and it’s not always one that you would want.

I was not honest when our relationship started.  Because of the love I have for her I regret that.  And I pay for that with a lack of trust.  Action and reaction.

There was an issue where Mistress wanted me to tell her about contact I had with others in the community, and I failed her.  I pay for that.  Action and reaction.

But this week, or really the last couple of days I have wondered if it’s a two-way street, and I really don’t think so.  And I suppose for that, eventually I will discover the action and reaction.  Perhaps I am over reacting as Mistress says.  But I feel like her actions have put me and my girls in some amount of jeopardy.  While Mistress apologized, it does not change the feeling I have.  The fact that I have spent two days with my head on a swivel, tracking license plates, remembering faces–assuming I am being stalked.

Yes, there are actions and reactions.  Regrets I have.  But I have tried to learn from each and move on.  The last few days though have left me thinking its a journey I am on alone.  I try to be honest and respectful and it gets tossed back at me.

A few weeks ago I got an awful stomach virus. I literally left a meeting I was in to go and puke.  I was supposed to meet some friends in the city the night this set in.  And the bar was on the way to the train station, so I told Mistress I was going to stop by on my way and tell everyone I was sick, after all I was the “organizer” of this event.  One of the guests was a woman who hit on me once–which I told Mistress about.  After leaving the bar and making it to the train, I spent the next hour plus on the Long Island Rail Road puking in a train bathroom.

Mistress tried to call, but I just could not take the call.  I told Mistress I purposefully did not answer her because I was in no condition to.  Mistress was sure it was because I was at the bar with the other woman.  Action and reaction, right?  After a long and sometimes heated discussion I promise to be responsive, and in fact a couple of days later when Mistress called me and i was in a meeting I pulled out my phone and texted her during the meeting that I would call her right back.

So Friday night, I text Mistress.  At first she tells me she did not see the text until the next morning and did not respond.  Later out comes the real answer–she did not respond because she was doing something else.  Action and reaction, right?

Yeah, I have done things I regret, and learned some lessons along the way….

And for the record such as it is, Mistress has also made more healthy by making me  a vegetarian, has offered me a harbor from the nightmare that is my life.

But about those regrets….

So Why Do I Feel Like Shit?

Tis the season, or so they say.

For me this year, it will be super stress, and it’s not starting off well.

Over the last three weeks I have spent hours at NYU Medical Center–first with Mistress then due to my home front.  And those trips will continue on throughout this joyous season.  Have you ever tried to navigate NYC at the height of the holiday season? Took me four hours to drive home today–45 minutes spent going from the corner of Park Ave and 34th St to the toll plaza at the Midtown Tunnel.

Tis the season though.

So here it is the night before Thanksgiving and all I want to do is disappear somewhere to the Caribbean and ride out the season there.

While juggling my girls in the city today while my wife was getting an MRI and follow with her neuro-oncologist I got a call from a cousin.  My mother put her Thanksgiving with his family on me–I have to drive her 2.5 hours or she won’t be having Thanksgiving.

Then there is Mistress who will be without family for the holiday–that’s on me too since I can’t take her with me or have her over (since as of 2:30 this afternoon I am not cooking).  And for that I get an I told you so.

And I can’t wait for Christmas to roll around either.  There will be chemo trips to the city on the week before Christmas and the week between Christmas and New Year.  Perfect times to navigate the wilds of Manhattan.

Way back–before I was in true holidays suck and I want to run away mode–Mistress was going to spend a couple of weeks (or more in CA) and I was going to take my girls to visit a friend in FL.  Looks like all of those plans have fallen apart–and the “I told you so’s” are already starting.

Can’t wait…

And hopefully 2010 is better.

 

Did I do enough?

This is a quick post, but a question that I am pondering…did I do enough? or did I let Mistress down?  And unfortunately I think the latter.

Mistress was in the hospital this week.  She went in for what was supposed to be three days (72 hours) of tests.  Ended up being a full week.  Nothing bad, in fact I think it netted out as good news for her.

But I am wondering if I did all I could do to be supportive.  I know the answer is yes, but perception and reality are sometimes different.  I had a tough week, and so did Mistress.  But was there more I could have done?

I have to think more.  Right now, I don’t think so…but I have to think more…..

The Fleeting Moments that Last

I can still feel the way Mistress snuggles up to me as I nibble on her neck. I can still taste her lips pressed against mine….

And it was all to sort as I watched Mistress’ subway continue uptown.

Silence is Golden-or is it?

Things with Mistress are in a pretty good spot right now, maybe I don’t want to jinx it. Things in my personal life are a mess right now, maybe I am too overwhelmed.

Or maybe silence is golden-and I am trying to be rich.

About Frustration

So earlier today (and might I add its been a long day here on the west coast) I blogged about frustration as it pertained to relationship issues with Mistress.

Now, there is a new kind of frustration…

The Rewind Button

I have been thinking that life could be so much better with a rewind button. And I don’t want to be greedy with this mind you. I would love to rewind all the way back to the last game in the baseball season of my junior year in high school.

Now that’s not to say its all be shit since then mind you. Just if I could rewind, I would probably not hang in on the play and my knee would not have gotten blown out.

But I digress. The rewind button I am looking for would be to go back say 5 minutes at a time and try a moment again. There are a bunch of those as well.

Is it really alright?

Its been a week of dealing with things that I really can’t control–which is very frustrating to me–because the stakes are so high. And maybe some of this is just misplaced self pity.

But still, I have to wonder, is it really alright?

Asked and Answered

Sometimes its nice to hear someone else ask the questions–and get the context of the answers.

A Glass Half Full Outlook

So instead of stealing away for a dinner once or twice a week–Mistress and I are now able to steal away for a cup of coffee or lunch every now and then. We still have our weekly night-which we try to makespecial. But the time together is not what it once was.

Obviously this is not super-ideal. Mistress has blogged about this calling it “the trade off.”