From Behind the 8-Ball

One of the biggest challenges in any relationship is the ability to communicate–and despite the fact that I communicate for a living, am an avid user of email, Twitter, instant message and text along with assorted kink and vanilla social network sites.  And yet, somehow the nuances of communication in a relationship seems to elude me.

And I have to admit that I think that perhaps a I try too hard and should let it be more natural.

Over nearly two years, Mistress and I have gone through a lot-and a lot of it has been communication related.  I under communicate, and I know it.  When we fight, Mistress and I are passionate people and emotions jump into the fray.

One of the things about communicating in an emotional state I am trying to work on is keeping my emotions and check-and trying to discuss facts and feelings and not let my feelings become a part of the equation.

The last couple of weeks though-Mistress and I have had little “outbursts.”  In both cases I completely understand the way Mistress has seen things–but the facts she has cobbled together are not full and the conclusion just not right.  Yet, she not only presents these as fully-baked arguments, they are laced with accusations of lying to her, or trying to cheat on her or trying to intentionally hurt her.

And while all of those outcomes are the furthest from the truth-when she brings them to me, they come as accusations.  Now what is the nominal reaction to an accusation-defend.  A response to an accusation by its nature is defensive–especially when the fullness of what occured is not there.

Yet, somehow I have been cast as the villain and arguing the negative–proving that the conclusion is wrong.  I can’t help but think back to a law professor I once had–if you have a good case pound the law, if you have nothing pound the table.

But lately I feel like I am pounding myself.

Looking inward trying to see where I could have done better, trying to be a better person for Mistress, for us and for myself.

Time to Process

So, I made a realization tonight, and I am not completely sure what it means. While I think about that-I’ll toss it out in this Quick Press to the few who read in here…

Mistress and I have each been going through some tough personal issues-the kind of stuff that individually would be tough to handle-combined its been really tough. I think ultimately we come out on the other side much better–just have to get there.

So, today I went over to Mistress’ place, and we hung out some before going to a movie. It took me three hours to process the feelings I had when I walked into Mistress’ apartment.

As we were having a quick dinner we talked about the feelings, and I let slide the comments about my being so disconnected that it took me that long to process…

So my question–is this pretty normal? Feels like it to me. I had an experience, I took some time to think about it and then understood and was able to articulate what I felt.

Or should I be able to do this more on the fly?

Just wondering.

back on track

So the good news is that I think the fight/argument/disagreement Mistress and I had last week is behind us now. There are probably still some issues (and no, as of now I do not know what they are) to work through-but Mistress and I love each other and we are good, and as Martha would say, “thats a good thing.”

It will be a pretty packed weekend for us too. Mistress is speaking tonight at a scene event. Her topic is D/s relationships.  We went to dinner last night, and Mistress asked me what I am looking for in a Dominant partner, and I laughed–because I found what I am looking for in a partner and a Dominant partner.  Kind of an amusing question.

Saturday night I think we are heading to a dinner party–should be fun.

on fights, passion and just randomly thinking…

I guess to echo the sentiment of my girlfriend/Mistress/lover/friend, for the first time in a year we actually had a fight.  I am not completely sure I concur that it was a fight, certainly it was a passionate exchange, where frustrations were aired, so clinically that could be a fight-but I do not want to quibble over terminology, because at the end of the day what we call it is not as important to me as what we can both take away from it, and and how we both move on.

As I mentioned in a blog just yesterday, the harbinger for this really started on Thursday when Mistress and I got together.  Kind of near the end of the evening she made a comment to me that really did not sit well with me.  And I do not want to rewrite the whole blog, but in my mind I really went out of my way on Thursday to see Mistress because I wanted to and it sounded like she needed a hug.  Mistress has told me she wanted to apologize for what she said, but wanted to wait until we saw each other.

Then came Saturday.  This is an area where Mistress and I differ on lexicon some, and I think a lot of that difference is in the male/female approach to relationships and some of my own dumb hangups.  I admit I tend to perceive things in black and white.  You are either part of the problem or part of the solution.  So, with the sting from Thursday still in my mind (Mistress and I had not spoken about that as of yet) Mistress texted me that we should skip our plans for Saturday night.

OK I thought. I tried to “smother” her some on Thursday and to me that didn’t go well.  So, I’ll give her space today.  Failed test.  Mistress was pushing me (I call it testing me) to see if I would fight to see her.  To her, my failure to fight was a sign that I didn’t care.  Certainly not my position.

As the day progressed, Mistress and I communicated some by email (that did not go very well) and some over YIM.  Now, you’d think I would have learned my lesson about that and even tried MySpace email.  Finally around 130 this morning, I just called her-and we had a long and sometimes heated discussion/fight.

But I think in the end it was cathartic (at least for me). It got me thinking about my role in all of this.  How could I be part of the solution, and stop being part of the problem?

After Mistress and I said good night last night, and I think covered a lot of ground–I got to thinking.  And its not surprise that going back into all of this–communication between Mistress and I broke down.  The reasons are not important. I think the important take away for both of us is to recognize it happened and work to make sure it does not happen again.  A lot of these blogs are about communication because it is so vital.

So for me, I am trying to piece together–was it really Thursday that ate at me so much? Or was it the little digs sent my way via Twitter, Plurk, MySpace status that fueled me? Or was it something else? Is there something unresolved that I should deal with? Or perhaps its all of it together–we are the sum of our parts.

The extra dynamic here is that our relationship is a deep and loving relationship, that is a FLR D/s relationship.  She is my Mistress. She is my girlfriend. She is my friend.  And I know sometimes Mistress is conflicted over whether the D/s is morphing to vanilla (which I do not think it is).

So in adding it all up-and being able to reflect upon it some-I have reached a conclusion of sorts at least for myself.  This gives me the chance to start to look internally at what I have done, what I could have done better and what I will do better going forward.

A week or so ago, in my commitment to open communication, I shared with Mistress my insecurity about her plans to take a professional session so she can buy a pair of Prada boots (this is a dual insecurity for me) and to a lesser extent her continued search for service slaves to clean her place etc.  Its my fear that this makes me replaceable.  Perhaps that conversation is not completely done-I am not sure, I think it is.

But yesterday, as she was punishing me with “snarky digs” it was all played on that insecurity-which really infuriated me.  This was something I shared with my girlfriend because we promised each other to be open, and share what is bothering us, and here it was being shoved in my face as a weapon.

So we talked, disagreed and agreed. I thin for both of us though the take away is to treat the person we love with empathy, compassion and respect.  Something I think we both forgot at least for a few hours.

Completely coincidentally, it turns out another FLR D/s couple had a similar moment this week:

To quote some good advice:

3 vital ingredients for a successful relationship:

1. Good COMMUNICATION

2. Empathy – put yourself in their place and care about their well being

3. Compassion – make allowances for issues to arise, take the other persons’ concerns on board, and allow for the other person to go through rough patches… and reach out to them when they do!  Love and accept them even WITH their flaws.

Mistress, I love you deeply. I think its great that we can be passionate about each other, and our hopes and expectations. While I can’t say we won’t ever fight again, I can say I have learned from this, and love you even more.