About Frustration

So earlier today (and might I add its been a long day here on the west coast) I blogged about frustration as it pertained to relationship issues with Mistress.

Now, there is a new kind of frustration…

Fet Night Part Deux

So last night Mistress and I kept up our mutual promise to keep the kink in our relationship alive by doing our second fet night.  For those who need a little reminder, Mistress and I committed to setting time aside at least monthly to feed our fetish side–and be able to be straight up Mistress/slave (and less BF/GF) at least for a few hours.

And a fun night it was indeed.

I arrived at Mistress’ place around eight, and she was dressed for the part–easily I fell to my knees and worshipped Mistress’ ass as she stood before me in a tight black top, stockings and her Prada boots.  After some quality worship time it was off to Paddles.

it was a TES night at Paddles last night–some kind of Mardi Gras party–I didn’t quite get the difference in the night other than Goddess Coko walking around handing out beads (which was incredibly nice and both Mistress and I have plenty.

We got there at the tail end of a TES (I think) spanking discussion group.  Mistress and I sat down for the end of that. Not sure overall what to think of the event, but like most of the scene type events I have gone to it seemed OK.  What Mistress will likely admit was a huge coupe for her for the night, after the session ended, someone (I think a switch) who was at the seminar came to Mistress and introduced herself as a regular reader of Mistress’ blog.

The night had lot of fits and starts…first Mistress and I did a very playful scene on the rack bed in Paddles.  Mistress had my hands up over my head (stretched out my back nicely) and we did some tickling and some bastinado foot bondage. This was a first for me.  During this, while some pain was inflicted, Mistress was very sensuous, and we laughed a lot.

Mistress would later make up for that–as I spent a solid 45 minutes over the whipping post.  Mistress can really dish during these times–and I am determined to not just take what Mistress administers, but to do so with the thought that I cam pleasing my Mistress.

This was an interesting session as well–because by this time, along with the Mardis Gras crew there was an additional group of TES newbies in the place–so there was quite the crowd, and quite the crowd who had never seen a beating like Mistress can administer.

Have I ever mentioned Mistress is always one to play to a crowd?

So, as soon as there was a nice gathering, she unfurled her signature Catwoman whip throw to the ooohs and ahhs of the audience.  Along the way there was a lot of questions and Mistress (as she is apt to do) spent time answering others on technique and product.

I ended up with a nice hot ass, some marks on my back, and Mistress says a little blood was spilled.

Perhaps one of the moments right after though was truly a cap on the night. A couple of members from the newbie group came up to chit-chat.  Now I just spent 45 minutes over the whipping post, was a little dehydrated and was kind of coming out of my little sub-space. And the reality is some of the questions were pretty dumb.  So I didn’t say anything.

One of the newbies asked if I was allowed to speak–I did manage not to say, “Yeah. Just don’t see the need to speak with you.” Just keeping it real yo.

Mistress and I spent some time at the Paddles bar area–commenting on some of the folks we saw and scenes that played out–and yes Mistress there are others who like to show off all the moves–

Then tired, in love and feeling good it was off to bed to hold my Mistress’ naked body against mine.

Loving fet nights, and loving my Mistress.

Keeping Focus Where it Should Be

After a 2-3 week search, Mistress is back in the workforce as of today.  Given the hard reality of the economic climate nationwide, and especially here in NYC-its a pretty nice testament to her that she was able to find a new job relatively quickly.

Who knows if this will be the right opportunity for her, but its so much easier to be in a position and keep an eye out than to be under the feeling of desperation.

And I know for her it was not an easy couple of weeks. There was a lot of pressure-some real, some self imposed, some inadvertently added by me…but through it all I tried to keep Mistress focused on the bigger picture, the task at hand.

Sometimes it was helping with resume writing and reviewing cover letters. Other times it was doing a scan for jobs or companies that would be a good fit for her. Other times it was just being there to hear her and assure her that this was not the end, and tomorrow is a new day.

I am so proud that Mistress got through all of this, that we got through all of this-and today starts a new chapter.  And this is not the D/s part of our relationship.  This is the BF/GF part and this is the part where we can be best friends too…where we can rely on one another for help and support.

Its not nearly as good as reading about a night at Paddles, or being taken by Mistress, or holding her for the night while our naked bodies are pressed to one another–but for us its just as important.

Good luck Mistress, I love you.

Turn About is Fair Play

New toys, new communication-and perhaps a new paradigm.

Looking back with a smile

With smiles, kisses and love, Mistress and I celebrated a year long relationship over the weekend-and I can’t help but look back with a smile.

There are moments that stand out along the way: when I met Mistress under the tree in Rock Center for our first date, the first morning I went to Her old apartment in Brooklyn, the morning we played a little in the stock room of the chocolate shop She used to work at, standing behind her (like at a restaurant) and giving Her a big hug and kiss on the back of Her neck, the look of pleasure on Her face when She took me to Paddles for the first time, Her laugh at all times. the way She caresses me when She is whipping or caning me, enticing me to go on for Her, I could go on and on–there are so many good moments, and I think that is the best part.

Yeah, there have been some moments that have been trying too, but that is what happens in any kind of relationship.  The measure though is that the good times stand out and far out number those moments of struggle or challenge.

But through the ups and downs, I can say (and have said to Mistress) that I am a better person today than I was a year ago, and I credit Mistress for this.  She has put me in touch with my emotions, and pushed and prodded me to be more open them.  Mistress has pushed me to be in better shape, eat better and I think be a better person.

Not to sound like a cheap advice column but what makes it all work is great communication.

So the weekend started on Friday morning when I gave Mistress the present I was bursting to give Her.  I’ve known for months what I was going to give Her, and even had it tucked away for a couple of weeks–just waiting.  Months ago, Mistress told me She had always wanted an Easy Bake Oven-something she didn’t have growing up.

So, I tucked away that information, and like a good boyfriend, submissive and lover-I waited patiently. And finally a chance to spring it.  Mistress’ face lit up as She unwrapped it–and I was so happy to see Her smile.

We let reality settle in, and rather than an easy-bake breakfast in bed, we went t work together-and I spent the day thinking about how great Mistress looked holding Her gift.  Friday night we got back to Her place and standing naked, together we made easy-bake cupcakes.

Saturday night we had a late dinner and some great cuddle time. Mistress gave me a great etching of christmas tree in Rock Center-the place where it all started.

Yeah, you can look back, but in this case, I am so excited to look forward to the next year with my Mistress.

I can say it, I am in love with my Mistress. I would not trade my relationship for anything.

Terms, Terminology: How we see ourselves, and how others see us

So the other night-while laying naked next to each other Mistress posed an interesting question to me, and one that i have spent a lot of time thinking about–and reality is 1: i am not sure of the answer and 2: i don’t think i ever fully answered that question.  But i think Mistress’ goal was to prompt the thinking and the additional discussion (which is healthy, and sometimes tough).

By way of context, and some is a repeat for anyone who has read any part of this blog, or my Mistress’ blog, Mistress is a sadist and a true lifestyler-She has Her thoughts about what a FLR (Female lead relationship) is, and what the roles are. i tend to be less of a masochist to Mistress’ sadistic streak. i think i am a lifestyle sub/slave, but one with perhaps less conventional views-but still happy to be a part of an FLR and totally in love with my Mistress.

With that context, comes this. Am i really a a submissive? Or am i more of a fetish bottom?

So, first i had to askwhat is a fetish bottom, or a fettom as Mistress and i have come to call it. Mistress basically said it was someone who like me is a fetishist-leather, boots and bottom in the relationship.

I was able to find this definition of fetish bottom on line:

Fetish bottoms differ from other types of fetishist in that the object they eroticise is associated with a top. They are almost invariably male, and in the pure form have little need to interact with the top or to submit their will in real life encounters.

i don’t think this is me, i need to interact with my Mistress. i actually want to interact with Her.

Then comes the question of my submissiveness.

I tend to fall more in line with this definition of submissive:

A submissive (or “sub”) is one who enjoys having any of a variety of BDSMdominance and submission (D/s). This enjoyment can spring from a simple desire for submission or an enjoyment of the interplay of wills involved in such a scenario. practices performed upon them by a dominant; or one who holds a submissive position within a relationship based upon

In one of Mistress’ blogs from last month-she described submissive males as such:

Submissive men generally don’t want to be loved by Female Dominants. They yearn to be humiliated. They don’t want to marry. To have kids. They want to believe they are inferior to women. And god forbid a woman actually show emotion!!! HERESY!!!

Submissive men are so fucked up.

So, which am i? This is the question i am left to ponder. i know i love my Mistress, and would do anything i can to make Her happy. i can see myself married to Her at some point-but that is down the line because of some other baggage issues.

But can i meet Her ideal? Afterall, when all is said and done, its important for the vision of a partnership to be held by both parties-and if i am a fettom, rather than the submissive She seeks-can we actually be together longer term?

I never want my Mistress to be in a spot to have to settle, and i don’t want to drive Her to the space She was last march (into the arms of another). i guess this is why they say love hurts, and thinking about it is painful sometimes….