Something Happens When We Descend to the Depths……of NYC That Is

So, I realized something tonight–Mistress and I have some kind of a subway fetish. No really, we do.

He’s Back, Now Where are the Bananas?

Last week I wrote about the sinking feeling I was getting that in my relationship with Mistress, there was an 800 pound gorilla in the room waiting to pounce.  Its kind of how I expressed my feeling that there was something else going on between Mistress and I. Something that was affecting the quality of our relationship as BF/GF.

After some disucssion, and some time together, I was beginning to think Mistress was right, and there was nothing lurking just over there.

But now that feeling is back-and stronger than ever.  And the bigger concern I have is that the 800 pound gorilla THIS time around may be me.

I have always struggled with communications and communication skills.  Which is kind of odd given that I work in the communications industry, but that aside–my inter-personal communication skills are not great.

I internalize.  I do not easily share. I take things very personally.  I get very frustrated when I can not express myself as clearly as I think I am. I really do not know and react well socially to situations–like if someone starts crying at a restaurant–I freeze.I hope that my failures as a communicator are somewhat offset by the actions I take.  I try to be selfless. I will sacrifice my fulfillment so others can enjoy.  When Mistress needed a client to help close off on her new career, I went in open minded listened and signed-up.  When my children want to go to a carnival, but I want to watch a ball game, I go.  I do these things because I know in so many other aspects I am not easy to be with.

One of the dynamics of my relationship with Mistress is the BF/GF part–and the way Mistress has worked hard to get me to share with her. There really is no one else I share with–even when I was in counseling, I just was not able to open up to the counselor the way I open up to Mistress.

Of late though, Mistress has not felt able to open up to me because she fears I am too judgemental, will become defensive and this tends to escalate into a broader argument.  I don’t actually agree with points one and two, but on point three, I concur.  So many times of late relatively small things have escalated–and its very trying physically and emotionally.  And we have been trying not to let things escalate.

I have tried to do that by perhaps over-sharing, which may not be a healthy tack. Mistress I think has gone the other way and has reserved and held back.

And now we are back at the lager head we were trying to avoid.

So am I the cancer to this relationship? I am beginning to think I may well be.  And I

This weekend as a case-study.

Mistress wanted to have a picnic in the park. I thought this would be a great chance for her to spend time with my kids.  Mistress and I talked about setting up a blanket, playing games getting some food from Whole Foods etc.

My kids, saw this as a chance to play in Central Park, go out on a row boat–things they like to do in Central Park.

Since I thought this was about spending time together–I let the kids roll.  However, Mistress was not happy because it was not the way she envisioned the picnic.  I tried to make sure everyone was happy–now half the people who were there (and all who are over the age of 10) are unhappy and sulking.  And what makes this worse to me is that when I saw Mistress last night, she was very reticent to tell me this–and that hurts me almost even more.

And her concerns were because she did not want  yelling or  a fight–instead we have have a discussion on Twitter, half on BB IM and nothing actually resolved.

So while I still think there maybe an 800 pound gorilla out there in a dark corner waiting to pounce on my relationship with the woman I love–and who I want my kids to love….right now, I am looking in the mirror at a different 800 pound gorilla–and not sure how to put him back in his cage.

An Night in Fetish Land

Mistress and I ventured out to Paddles over the weekend–for our monthly agreed upon fet-night and some time together where we can both do something we enjoy.  I have to admit, from the trepidation the first time Mistress and I went to Paddles to last night my perspective has changed–and I now look forward to going (wish it were less than a $25/pp cover but that is a different story).

The night @ Paddles started out strangely–and kind of kept that theme going straight through.

Mistress likes to get there early so she can camp out in her favorite spot, so we left her place and got to Paddles around 915–the problem was that doors open at 10.  So, we had some time to kill.  Generally in NYC not a huge problem except Mistress was wearing her Prada’s and really could not do much NYC walking.  So, I went up 26th St. and got Mistress a nice salad from .Chipolte

Man does that smell.  It was torture sitting in the car with Mistress eating that salad.  So chipolte became the running joke for a safe word for the night.  A quick word about safe words–I have never used a safe word, and I truly believe at this point with Mistress its not really needed. I think she is so attuned to our dynamic she would know just how far to push.

Inside, Mistress and I ran into a friend and we spent some time catching up.  Then came some play.  Mistress was feeling a bit punchy I guess–because with my hands shackled over my head, Mistress spent more time spanking and punching then she did flogging and whipping–this is not to say there was none of that.  Special attention was paid to breast torture–which meant Mistress was in front of me most of the time–so we got some intimate time in.

For anyone watching, it must have seemed strange–Mistress and I enjoy play time, and tend to laugh and giggle a lot.  Not what anyone who watches D/s porn would expect to see.

It was also a slave auction night or something like it in Paddles–I am sure the event is generally better than what was displayed Saturday night (at least I hope it is).

I guess each person or couple who came in got some Paddles money–and at some point Goddess Lana ran an auction.  Subs (and some dom/mes) signed up.  Mistress threatend to put me up for auction–but then a Domme I had an on-line aquaintance with that ended badly showed up and Mistress cancled that plan.

So, Mistress had our Paddles money and did her thing during the auction. When she won someone, she went to go pay–and was talked into putting herself up for auction–with our Paddles money in hand.  Now everyone got $1.16M Paddles dollars on entry, and Mistress had just spent $8k on someone. So, I had no money in hand, and started bidding on Mistress-then came the $1.16M bid-what could I do, I was done.

So Mistress was bought by one sub, and had mercy bought two others–so they were on the floor in the back as I watched things unfold.  One was a little lost (best description I can come up with) and Mistress ended up releasing him–just could not follow even the simplest of orders.

The other two seemed more experienced, and Mistress did some whipping and flogging.

The one thing Mistress didn’t get to do was show off her signature whip flick–so we camped out on a couch for a bit and waited for the main stage at Paddles to open–except there was a fem-sub up there, with her owner working her over pretty good–an hour or so later–Mistress and I had spent a lot of quality cuddle time on the couch instead.

Keeping Focus Where it Should Be

After a 2-3 week search, Mistress is back in the workforce as of today.  Given the hard reality of the economic climate nationwide, and especially here in NYC-its a pretty nice testament to her that she was able to find a new job relatively quickly.

Who knows if this will be the right opportunity for her, but its so much easier to be in a position and keep an eye out than to be under the feeling of desperation.

And I know for her it was not an easy couple of weeks. There was a lot of pressure-some real, some self imposed, some inadvertently added by me…but through it all I tried to keep Mistress focused on the bigger picture, the task at hand.

Sometimes it was helping with resume writing and reviewing cover letters. Other times it was doing a scan for jobs or companies that would be a good fit for her. Other times it was just being there to hear her and assure her that this was not the end, and tomorrow is a new day.

I am so proud that Mistress got through all of this, that we got through all of this-and today starts a new chapter.  And this is not the D/s part of our relationship.  This is the BF/GF part and this is the part where we can be best friends too…where we can rely on one another for help and support.

Its not nearly as good as reading about a night at Paddles, or being taken by Mistress, or holding her for the night while our naked bodies are pressed to one another–but for us its just as important.

Good luck Mistress, I love you.

Date night with my Mistress

You know how it goes this time of year, right? So much to do, so little time–so easy to get priorities out of whack.

So, it was really important for me to make sure I was able to set up a date night with Mistress this week.

finding bliss in the NYC subway….

so Mistress and i were able to get together for a bit tonight, and spend some much needed time together, and enjoy some mediocre thai food.  but the company was so good that it more than made up for the relatively bad food.

then Misttress and i headed for the the subway–the yellow line in NYC (n, r, q, w). what has become customary is that i wait with Mistress on the platform for Her train, and then i make my way toward my train. it gives us more time together–and to be honest i am pretty sure Mistress will adm it to this as well, it helps Her feel good.

(to digress slightly, the first time Mistress and i went out, i offered to walk Mistress from the subway we were on over to Her line. She told me it was not necessary, and based on some writings, conversations and the way we are now, i think Mistress wishes She would have said yes that night.)

back to this topic though.

Mistress and i have used that time on the the platform waiting for the train for pda (i had to ask too-public display of affection). so as we walked down to the platform tonight, i smiled a little–yes because i knew i would be able to just hug and kiss my Mistress, but also thinking back to the first night of the subway pda…

it goes back to last winter-when Mistress and i met at Ruby Foo’s on manhattan’s upper west side. the stated reason for this meeting was to end our relationship. a bunch of shit had gone down, and we both walked in thinking this was the beginning of the end.

we walked out holding hands, and i turned to Her and asked, “so where are we now?” and She turned to me and said, “i am your Mistress.”

we ended up on the platform of the 1 train-and as we were waiting, Mistress stood against a pillar on the platform-and i was so overwhelmed that i kissed Mistress deeply and passionately. this continued on the 1 train from 77th all the way to 42. a train full of commuters, and the two of us groping and kissing.

now, subways are a fact of life if you live and work in nyc.  and as a daily rider, i see a lot. yet somehow i am reminded of this moment of pure passion each time i am on the subway.

and more importantly, that same passion conitnues today, some 10 months later.

so tonight, walking through the station, heading to the platform-i was happy. i knew this was time for me and Mistress to turn off the world and just be together. somehow, we do this in the middle of the nyc subway.

certainly it makes all the other times standing on platforms, and packed into cars far more enjoyable. and to be honest, there is something about the pda that gives me a rush-its so far out of normal character for me-that its exhilarating, just as Mistress is.

Out in the real world, from behind a keyboard

there are probably a thousand plus reasons why i should not write this blog in the least bit–however there is one good one that i will write it-i can.

among the things Mistress and i have been working on together is getting out more–into the scene, with scene people etc.  for Mistress, its kind of a return for Her. She is a former pro-Domme and is somewhat well connected.  She retired though and had been off circuit for awhile (certainly for the nearly a year we have been together).

i am a very private, quiet, reserved person by nature.  i am not one you will find out and about. hell, i get nominate for national awards at work and i refuse to go to the award ceremony-even when they tell me i have won.

but we have managed to get out some over the last few weeks. i’ve met some interesting folks along the way-some who are “iconic” figures in the nyc scene. some who want to be iconic, and some who are just kind of testing the waters.  nothing too unexpected there.

much of the chatter both on message boards and at these events is the perceived clamp down on D/s in NYC. i am not convinved there is a concerted effort by NYPD to take down houses of domination. i kind of think in most of these cases, police were responding to nuisance complaints by neighbors, and these places did themselves in-but that is a different blog.

what is interesting though–and i admit i don’t know any of these people all that well–is the vitrolic nature of the posts. yeah, there is safety in hiding behind a type-writer. but get out, D/s is about experience in real time. have that experience–then spew your venom.

here we go….

so lets jump right in–and i can try to get everyone on the same page. somewhere along the line i’ll put some additional posts from my MySpace http://www.myspace.com/lethrs…they have some good background.

but the upshot is..i am a long time closet kinkster. i am a submissve man at heart. and over the years i have acted out on this…and then usually get it out of my system and tuck it away.  i had reached the point where i was aching to revisit my kinky side. because of a myriad of reasons i decided to go the pro-Domme route.

i had off and on been chatting with Maitresse Scarlette Stangata on collarme and on myspace.  to be honest, i am not sure what drew me in. it could be her writings on a bunch of boards etc.  for me, i am at ease as a sub. what i crave is a Mistress who is equally at ease.  Maitresse seemed that way. so after pulling it together, and screwing on some courage-i booked a session.

this was about a year ago.

after that one session – which admittedly i was very nervous about and did not go well-i left and was really not sure what to do next. we kind of chatted about perhaps doing dinner or something–to get to know one another and hopefully make a second session better. i was up for it.

at one point during our session, Mistress told me She worked in retail at a chocolate store in the city. information i tucked away.  a few days and a couple of text messages later-i had a really bad day at work a bunch of shit just went wrong. it was cold, and i decided to walk along alone in the city-dark streets in the cold.  somewhere in the general area between hell’s kitchen and times square i walked by a chocolate store–and with the bruises on my ass still prominent i was jarred back to that night. suddenly my crappy day was replaced by a good memory.

so i texted Mistress and let her know. i gave her a condensed version of the story on a text message. we closed our dinner plans a few nights later.

a couple of dates and meetings later–Mistress and i were suddenly in a deep passionate kiss on a street along manhattan’s upper west side-and i was slowly transforming from sub/client to boyfriend.

almost a year has gone by from that first night to now–and we have had our ups and downs in our relationship. but in the end-i am deeply in love with my Mistress-and so this foray into how to be a kinky couple in nyc has blossomed.