About Regrets I Have A Few

It’s incredibly rare that I quote Frank Sinatra.  It’s not that I don’t like Sinatra, its more that it’s a little before my time, and when I was starting out in my career, I worked at radio stations that made a huge deal out of playing Sinatra songs or Elvis songs that their music kind of has a strange reaction in me.

But about regrets, yeah, I have a few.  In a more than two-year relationship with Mistress–one that has been hugely positive for me in many ways, I’ve learned in many cases the hard way that for every action there is a reaction–and it’s not always one that you would want.

I was not honest when our relationship started.  Because of the love I have for her I regret that.  And I pay for that with a lack of trust.  Action and reaction.

There was an issue where Mistress wanted me to tell her about contact I had with others in the community, and I failed her.  I pay for that.  Action and reaction.

But this week, or really the last couple of days I have wondered if it’s a two-way street, and I really don’t think so.  And I suppose for that, eventually I will discover the action and reaction.  Perhaps I am over reacting as Mistress says.  But I feel like her actions have put me and my girls in some amount of jeopardy.  While Mistress apologized, it does not change the feeling I have.  The fact that I have spent two days with my head on a swivel, tracking license plates, remembering faces–assuming I am being stalked.

Yes, there are actions and reactions.  Regrets I have.  But I have tried to learn from each and move on.  The last few days though have left me thinking its a journey I am on alone.  I try to be honest and respectful and it gets tossed back at me.

A few weeks ago I got an awful stomach virus. I literally left a meeting I was in to go and puke.  I was supposed to meet some friends in the city the night this set in.  And the bar was on the way to the train station, so I told Mistress I was going to stop by on my way and tell everyone I was sick, after all I was the “organizer” of this event.  One of the guests was a woman who hit on me once–which I told Mistress about.  After leaving the bar and making it to the train, I spent the next hour plus on the Long Island Rail Road puking in a train bathroom.

Mistress tried to call, but I just could not take the call.  I told Mistress I purposefully did not answer her because I was in no condition to.  Mistress was sure it was because I was at the bar with the other woman.  Action and reaction, right?  After a long and sometimes heated discussion I promise to be responsive, and in fact a couple of days later when Mistress called me and i was in a meeting I pulled out my phone and texted her during the meeting that I would call her right back.

So Friday night, I text Mistress.  At first she tells me she did not see the text until the next morning and did not respond.  Later out comes the real answer–she did not respond because she was doing something else.  Action and reaction, right?

Yeah, I have done things I regret, and learned some lessons along the way….

And for the record such as it is, Mistress has also made more healthy by making me  a vegetarian, has offered me a harbor from the nightmare that is my life.

But about those regrets….

So Why Do I Feel Like Shit?

Tis the season, or so they say.

For me this year, it will be super stress, and it’s not starting off well.

Over the last three weeks I have spent hours at NYU Medical Center–first with Mistress then due to my home front.  And those trips will continue on throughout this joyous season.  Have you ever tried to navigate NYC at the height of the holiday season? Took me four hours to drive home today–45 minutes spent going from the corner of Park Ave and 34th St to the toll plaza at the Midtown Tunnel.

Tis the season though.

So here it is the night before Thanksgiving and all I want to do is disappear somewhere to the Caribbean and ride out the season there.

While juggling my girls in the city today while my wife was getting an MRI and follow with her neuro-oncologist I got a call from a cousin.  My mother put her Thanksgiving with his family on me–I have to drive her 2.5 hours or she won’t be having Thanksgiving.

Then there is Mistress who will be without family for the holiday–that’s on me too since I can’t take her with me or have her over (since as of 2:30 this afternoon I am not cooking).  And for that I get an I told you so.

And I can’t wait for Christmas to roll around either.  There will be chemo trips to the city on the week before Christmas and the week between Christmas and New Year.  Perfect times to navigate the wilds of Manhattan.

Way back–before I was in true holidays suck and I want to run away mode–Mistress was going to spend a couple of weeks (or more in CA) and I was going to take my girls to visit a friend in FL.  Looks like all of those plans have fallen apart–and the “I told you so’s” are already starting.

Can’t wait…

And hopefully 2010 is better.

 

Thinking, Prorgressing, Growing

While I hope this blog can be an archive of great an kinky exploits that Mistress and I share in–its also become part sounding board for me, which I find pretty cathartic. Probably annoying to many readers-but hey, its my blog, right?

Here is one of those cathartic type blogs–but in this case its part follow up, part break-through and part me just sort of taking stock:

He’s Back, Now Where are the Bananas?

Last week I wrote about the sinking feeling I was getting that in my relationship with Mistress, there was an 800 pound gorilla in the room waiting to pounce.  Its kind of how I expressed my feeling that there was something else going on between Mistress and I. Something that was affecting the quality of our relationship as BF/GF.

After some disucssion, and some time together, I was beginning to think Mistress was right, and there was nothing lurking just over there.

But now that feeling is back-and stronger than ever.  And the bigger concern I have is that the 800 pound gorilla THIS time around may be me.

I have always struggled with communications and communication skills.  Which is kind of odd given that I work in the communications industry, but that aside–my inter-personal communication skills are not great.

I internalize.  I do not easily share. I take things very personally.  I get very frustrated when I can not express myself as clearly as I think I am. I really do not know and react well socially to situations–like if someone starts crying at a restaurant–I freeze.I hope that my failures as a communicator are somewhat offset by the actions I take.  I try to be selfless. I will sacrifice my fulfillment so others can enjoy.  When Mistress needed a client to help close off on her new career, I went in open minded listened and signed-up.  When my children want to go to a carnival, but I want to watch a ball game, I go.  I do these things because I know in so many other aspects I am not easy to be with.

One of the dynamics of my relationship with Mistress is the BF/GF part–and the way Mistress has worked hard to get me to share with her. There really is no one else I share with–even when I was in counseling, I just was not able to open up to the counselor the way I open up to Mistress.

Of late though, Mistress has not felt able to open up to me because she fears I am too judgemental, will become defensive and this tends to escalate into a broader argument.  I don’t actually agree with points one and two, but on point three, I concur.  So many times of late relatively small things have escalated–and its very trying physically and emotionally.  And we have been trying not to let things escalate.

I have tried to do that by perhaps over-sharing, which may not be a healthy tack. Mistress I think has gone the other way and has reserved and held back.

And now we are back at the lager head we were trying to avoid.

So am I the cancer to this relationship? I am beginning to think I may well be.  And I

This weekend as a case-study.

Mistress wanted to have a picnic in the park. I thought this would be a great chance for her to spend time with my kids.  Mistress and I talked about setting up a blanket, playing games getting some food from Whole Foods etc.

My kids, saw this as a chance to play in Central Park, go out on a row boat–things they like to do in Central Park.

Since I thought this was about spending time together–I let the kids roll.  However, Mistress was not happy because it was not the way she envisioned the picnic.  I tried to make sure everyone was happy–now half the people who were there (and all who are over the age of 10) are unhappy and sulking.  And what makes this worse to me is that when I saw Mistress last night, she was very reticent to tell me this–and that hurts me almost even more.

And her concerns were because she did not want  yelling or  a fight–instead we have have a discussion on Twitter, half on BB IM and nothing actually resolved.

So while I still think there maybe an 800 pound gorilla out there in a dark corner waiting to pounce on my relationship with the woman I love–and who I want my kids to love….right now, I am looking in the mirror at a different 800 pound gorilla–and not sure how to put him back in his cage.

About 800 Pound Gorillas

As we were on the platform waiting for Mistress’ subway–actually time that has become very romantic for us (yeah, some kind of subway kink I guess) things turned south in a hurry because either I misunderstood something, Mistressmis-stated something or some combination of both (the likely scenario). And just as that happened, the “V” train pulled in and instead of a hug and a kiss, I got a peck on the cheek and muttered “I love you.”

Clearly trouble brewing.

What the hell…

OK, this is a blog post that is a long time in the making–and to be honest I am not sure its ready to be posted.  However I think one of the reasons I couldn’t sleep last night is because I spent a lot of time spinning the last week and a half or so through my mind, and my current thinking is that posting this will at least give me some kind of milepost–a marker to benchmark against.

Anyone who reads this blog or reads my Mistress’s blog “Kink In the City” knows we have share what is usually a pretty happy and mutually rewarding Femdom/FLR relationship.  It has not always been this way, but through hard work, some tears and more than a few leaps of faith we have made it work.

Scattered across various web boards, on this blog and on her blog we both like to say that open-honest communication is the basis upon which a healthy relationship can be built.  And I think ultimately that is why Mistress and I will ultimately be able to enjoy our relationship.

But then on the foundation goes the baggage–and best metaphor I can come up with that sustains the baggage analogy is a few fleeting seconds in an old Daffy Duck/Porky Pig cartoon.  Go about 3:50 in and you’ll see Daffy trying to balance all of his bags and at times fail.

And in the case of Mistress and me-there is a lot of baggage.  I’ve taken to referring to these as the boxes–as in being boxed in.  There is my home box.  There is my family box.  Lately there has been a box from work that has been more stressful than anything else. There is box I put myself in at the beginning of our relationship by not being forthcoming.

To be honest, Mistress brings boxes too (her personal life, job and career stress etc-I will leave it to Mistress to disclose what she wants and how).  And all of that baggage sits on our communication foundation.

But lately I can’t help but think there are cracks.

Two or so weeks ago, after Mistress and I went out with a business acquaintance of mine and said good night we started texting back and forth.  Mistress very innocently asked if I thought she was taking me for granted of lately.  And the answer was yes.

We tried a phone call–and when that had limited effect I sent her (for us) a pretty long email.  Well 10 emails later, we ended up in a three hour discussion about what we want, what our expectations are and what we could to to move forward together.

Then a week later–another seemingly innocent question–and we were right back where we started–this time after bickering in person for an hour or so, we continued on the phone for another hour before finally getting into the core of the issues.

And beyond communication–it seems to me there is a trust issue that we have to figure out. Its not a revelation to me given the above semi-outlined baggage–but its a little surprising to me the level of what I perceive to be mutual distrust.  And the way we assuage our distrust is very different–which also causes some new issues to be brought in.

At some point toward the end of our conversation last night–when Mistress and I finally stopped bickering–we got to actual feelings.  And Mistress told me (in past tense) that after our conversation last week she felt closer to me and felt we were in a good spot.

And what did I do, unwind all of that–and go two weeks backward–all because I thought I was moving forward.

Its not easy-ever is it?

So what the hell–

To be continued….

–PS-later in the same day–

Mistress and I spent the night toghether tonight–and were able to laugh and banter about last night’s bickering.  Relationships are tough–there are ebbs and flows–good days and bad.  Its how you weather the ebbs (bad) that make the good days worth it–and tonight was worth it–although I can think of a very specific place I would rather be right now……

Right Track–Now Hoping to Keep it all on Rolling Along

So, I just wanted to post a quick update since my last post on being selfless–because the feedback I got on that–from Mistress and from others was that the post was kind of negative and I don’t think I meant it to be.

Yeah, there is a tinge of jealousy in there–but I think that is normal (and Mistress agrees with that).  Honestly, I think I have a great relationship with Mistress–and if I could figure out a way to get out from under my situation on the home front–which is very complex I would.  The reality is I can’t just end it and walk out.  But I think there is an end that is closer now than ever before.

In a recent post on her blog Mistress outlined several feelings that she has–and one of them is sadness–sad for losing those she loves, sad for herself because she is unlovable.  It has this passage in it that I have spent a lot of time thinking about:

There are so many things that I feel he won’t/can’t do for me. In a way, it makes me start to lose interest too.

Before I address this directly–the couple of lines above this talk about an obsessive younger guy Mistress was seeing/training–who at one point threatened to kill her–and himself with the line, “I have a bullet with your name on it.”  Now that is not normal.

Among my fears is that Mistress will lose interest–and lose interest not because of what  I can or can’t do–but because some of what I want to do will just take more time than she can devote to me and us.  And that honestly makes me a little sad and a little scared.

But the reality is Mistress and I have a vibrant relationship–and we are able to talk about all of these issues–in an open and honest fashion. And that is so rare that it can only be a good thing for us as individuals and for us as a couple.

So, its not all bad–and in fact I hope its on the path to being right.  Now all i have to do is keep it all rolling along.

Trying to Be Selfless

One of the highest traits a sub or slave can have for their Mistress is to be selfless–to give their self to their Mistress. Its not a new concept to me, and its a characteristic I hope to live up to for my Mistress.

But there are times when I am conflicted with being selfless–and I am pretty sure the opposite of selfless is selfish…and perhaps I am really somewhere in between.

Pretty Close to Making it Just Right

Yeah, I know its three days after Valentine’s Day, but this is the first chance I have had to get my thoughts together–and I think at the end of the day things worked out pretty well, almost exactly as we had planned.

Sure there were some tense moments leading up, but in the end things went well.

Keeping Focus Where it Should Be

After a 2-3 week search, Mistress is back in the workforce as of today.  Given the hard reality of the economic climate nationwide, and especially here in NYC-its a pretty nice testament to her that she was able to find a new job relatively quickly.

Who knows if this will be the right opportunity for her, but its so much easier to be in a position and keep an eye out than to be under the feeling of desperation.

And I know for her it was not an easy couple of weeks. There was a lot of pressure-some real, some self imposed, some inadvertently added by me…but through it all I tried to keep Mistress focused on the bigger picture, the task at hand.

Sometimes it was helping with resume writing and reviewing cover letters. Other times it was doing a scan for jobs or companies that would be a good fit for her. Other times it was just being there to hear her and assure her that this was not the end, and tomorrow is a new day.

I am so proud that Mistress got through all of this, that we got through all of this-and today starts a new chapter.  And this is not the D/s part of our relationship.  This is the BF/GF part and this is the part where we can be best friends too…where we can rely on one another for help and support.

Its not nearly as good as reading about a night at Paddles, or being taken by Mistress, or holding her for the night while our naked bodies are pressed to one another–but for us its just as important.

Good luck Mistress, I love you.