Thinking, Prorgressing, Growing

While I hope this blog can be an archive of great an kinky exploits that Mistress and I share in–its also become part sounding board for me, which I find pretty cathartic. Probably annoying to many readers-but hey, its my blog, right?

Here is one of those cathartic type blogs–but in this case its part follow up, part break-through and part me just sort of taking stock:

He’s Back, Now Where are the Bananas?

Last week I wrote about the sinking feeling I was getting that in my relationship with Mistress, there was an 800 pound gorilla in the room waiting to pounce.  Its kind of how I expressed my feeling that there was something else going on between Mistress and I. Something that was affecting the quality of our relationship as BF/GF.

After some disucssion, and some time together, I was beginning to think Mistress was right, and there was nothing lurking just over there.

But now that feeling is back-and stronger than ever.  And the bigger concern I have is that the 800 pound gorilla THIS time around may be me.

I have always struggled with communications and communication skills.  Which is kind of odd given that I work in the communications industry, but that aside–my inter-personal communication skills are not great.

I internalize.  I do not easily share. I take things very personally.  I get very frustrated when I can not express myself as clearly as I think I am. I really do not know and react well socially to situations–like if someone starts crying at a restaurant–I freeze.I hope that my failures as a communicator are somewhat offset by the actions I take.  I try to be selfless. I will sacrifice my fulfillment so others can enjoy.  When Mistress needed a client to help close off on her new career, I went in open minded listened and signed-up.  When my children want to go to a carnival, but I want to watch a ball game, I go.  I do these things because I know in so many other aspects I am not easy to be with.

One of the dynamics of my relationship with Mistress is the BF/GF part–and the way Mistress has worked hard to get me to share with her. There really is no one else I share with–even when I was in counseling, I just was not able to open up to the counselor the way I open up to Mistress.

Of late though, Mistress has not felt able to open up to me because she fears I am too judgemental, will become defensive and this tends to escalate into a broader argument.  I don’t actually agree with points one and two, but on point three, I concur.  So many times of late relatively small things have escalated–and its very trying physically and emotionally.  And we have been trying not to let things escalate.

I have tried to do that by perhaps over-sharing, which may not be a healthy tack. Mistress I think has gone the other way and has reserved and held back.

And now we are back at the lager head we were trying to avoid.

So am I the cancer to this relationship? I am beginning to think I may well be.  And I

This weekend as a case-study.

Mistress wanted to have a picnic in the park. I thought this would be a great chance for her to spend time with my kids.  Mistress and I talked about setting up a blanket, playing games getting some food from Whole Foods etc.

My kids, saw this as a chance to play in Central Park, go out on a row boat–things they like to do in Central Park.

Since I thought this was about spending time together–I let the kids roll.  However, Mistress was not happy because it was not the way she envisioned the picnic.  I tried to make sure everyone was happy–now half the people who were there (and all who are over the age of 10) are unhappy and sulking.  And what makes this worse to me is that when I saw Mistress last night, she was very reticent to tell me this–and that hurts me almost even more.

And her concerns were because she did not want  yelling or  a fight–instead we have have a discussion on Twitter, half on BB IM and nothing actually resolved.

So while I still think there maybe an 800 pound gorilla out there in a dark corner waiting to pounce on my relationship with the woman I love–and who I want my kids to love….right now, I am looking in the mirror at a different 800 pound gorilla–and not sure how to put him back in his cage.

About 800 Pound Gorillas

As we were on the platform waiting for Mistress’ subway–actually time that has become very romantic for us (yeah, some kind of subway kink I guess) things turned south in a hurry because either I misunderstood something, Mistressmis-stated something or some combination of both (the likely scenario). And just as that happened, the “V” train pulled in and instead of a hug and a kiss, I got a peck on the cheek and muttered “I love you.”

Clearly trouble brewing.

What the hell…

OK, this is a blog post that is a long time in the making–and to be honest I am not sure its ready to be posted.  However I think one of the reasons I couldn’t sleep last night is because I spent a lot of time spinning the last week and a half or so through my mind, and my current thinking is that posting this will at least give me some kind of milepost–a marker to benchmark against.

Anyone who reads this blog or reads my Mistress’s blog “Kink In the City” knows we have share what is usually a pretty happy and mutually rewarding Femdom/FLR relationship.  It has not always been this way, but through hard work, some tears and more than a few leaps of faith we have made it work.

Scattered across various web boards, on this blog and on her blog we both like to say that open-honest communication is the basis upon which a healthy relationship can be built.  And I think ultimately that is why Mistress and I will ultimately be able to enjoy our relationship.

But then on the foundation goes the baggage–and best metaphor I can come up with that sustains the baggage analogy is a few fleeting seconds in an old Daffy Duck/Porky Pig cartoon.  Go about 3:50 in and you’ll see Daffy trying to balance all of his bags and at times fail.

And in the case of Mistress and me-there is a lot of baggage.  I’ve taken to referring to these as the boxes–as in being boxed in.  There is my home box.  There is my family box.  Lately there has been a box from work that has been more stressful than anything else. There is box I put myself in at the beginning of our relationship by not being forthcoming.

To be honest, Mistress brings boxes too (her personal life, job and career stress etc-I will leave it to Mistress to disclose what she wants and how).  And all of that baggage sits on our communication foundation.

But lately I can’t help but think there are cracks.

Two or so weeks ago, after Mistress and I went out with a business acquaintance of mine and said good night we started texting back and forth.  Mistress very innocently asked if I thought she was taking me for granted of lately.  And the answer was yes.

We tried a phone call–and when that had limited effect I sent her (for us) a pretty long email.  Well 10 emails later, we ended up in a three hour discussion about what we want, what our expectations are and what we could to to move forward together.

Then a week later–another seemingly innocent question–and we were right back where we started–this time after bickering in person for an hour or so, we continued on the phone for another hour before finally getting into the core of the issues.

And beyond communication–it seems to me there is a trust issue that we have to figure out. Its not a revelation to me given the above semi-outlined baggage–but its a little surprising to me the level of what I perceive to be mutual distrust.  And the way we assuage our distrust is very different–which also causes some new issues to be brought in.

At some point toward the end of our conversation last night–when Mistress and I finally stopped bickering–we got to actual feelings.  And Mistress told me (in past tense) that after our conversation last week she felt closer to me and felt we were in a good spot.

And what did I do, unwind all of that–and go two weeks backward–all because I thought I was moving forward.

Its not easy-ever is it?

So what the hell–

To be continued….

–PS-later in the same day–

Mistress and I spent the night toghether tonight–and were able to laugh and banter about last night’s bickering.  Relationships are tough–there are ebbs and flows–good days and bad.  Its how you weather the ebbs (bad) that make the good days worth it–and tonight was worth it–although I can think of a very specific place I would rather be right now……

Right Track–Now Hoping to Keep it all on Rolling Along

So, I just wanted to post a quick update since my last post on being selfless–because the feedback I got on that–from Mistress and from others was that the post was kind of negative and I don’t think I meant it to be.

Yeah, there is a tinge of jealousy in there–but I think that is normal (and Mistress agrees with that).  Honestly, I think I have a great relationship with Mistress–and if I could figure out a way to get out from under my situation on the home front–which is very complex I would.  The reality is I can’t just end it and walk out.  But I think there is an end that is closer now than ever before.

In a recent post on her blog Mistress outlined several feelings that she has–and one of them is sadness–sad for losing those she loves, sad for herself because she is unlovable.  It has this passage in it that I have spent a lot of time thinking about:

There are so many things that I feel he won’t/can’t do for me. In a way, it makes me start to lose interest too.

Before I address this directly–the couple of lines above this talk about an obsessive younger guy Mistress was seeing/training–who at one point threatened to kill her–and himself with the line, “I have a bullet with your name on it.”  Now that is not normal.

Among my fears is that Mistress will lose interest–and lose interest not because of what  I can or can’t do–but because some of what I want to do will just take more time than she can devote to me and us.  And that honestly makes me a little sad and a little scared.

But the reality is Mistress and I have a vibrant relationship–and we are able to talk about all of these issues–in an open and honest fashion. And that is so rare that it can only be a good thing for us as individuals and for us as a couple.

So, its not all bad–and in fact I hope its on the path to being right.  Now all i have to do is keep it all rolling along.

Trying to Be Selfless

One of the highest traits a sub or slave can have for their Mistress is to be selfless–to give their self to their Mistress. Its not a new concept to me, and its a characteristic I hope to live up to for my Mistress.

But there are times when I am conflicted with being selfless–and I am pretty sure the opposite of selfless is selfish…and perhaps I am really somewhere in between.

Pretty Close to Making it Just Right

Yeah, I know its three days after Valentine’s Day, but this is the first chance I have had to get my thoughts together–and I think at the end of the day things worked out pretty well, almost exactly as we had planned.

Sure there were some tense moments leading up, but in the end things went well.

Keeping Focus Where it Should Be

After a 2-3 week search, Mistress is back in the workforce as of today.  Given the hard reality of the economic climate nationwide, and especially here in NYC-its a pretty nice testament to her that she was able to find a new job relatively quickly.

Who knows if this will be the right opportunity for her, but its so much easier to be in a position and keep an eye out than to be under the feeling of desperation.

And I know for her it was not an easy couple of weeks. There was a lot of pressure-some real, some self imposed, some inadvertently added by me…but through it all I tried to keep Mistress focused on the bigger picture, the task at hand.

Sometimes it was helping with resume writing and reviewing cover letters. Other times it was doing a scan for jobs or companies that would be a good fit for her. Other times it was just being there to hear her and assure her that this was not the end, and tomorrow is a new day.

I am so proud that Mistress got through all of this, that we got through all of this-and today starts a new chapter.  And this is not the D/s part of our relationship.  This is the BF/GF part and this is the part where we can be best friends too…where we can rely on one another for help and support.

Its not nearly as good as reading about a night at Paddles, or being taken by Mistress, or holding her for the night while our naked bodies are pressed to one another–but for us its just as important.

Good luck Mistress, I love you.

New Adventures in Pillow Talk

Its amazing what can pop in your mind when you are trying not to focus on what you are doing.

Hard work, and Good Rewards….

So, relationships are hard work. Not quite a revalation I know. But still, relationships are hard work.

This week, I think I learned a lot about just how hard the work is, and what the rewards are. And still, relationships are hard work.

So the week started with being able to spend a few hours with Mistress lying naked in Her bed and just enjoying how good She feels in my arms. I was able to get to Her place around 11 or so Saturday night, and had to leave at about 630 Sunday morning-part of the baggage that is our relationship.

While the night was blissful, I kind of knew as I was leaving there was more to come.  See, I am married, and not to my Mistress.  For all intent and purposes, my marriage is dead-emotionally, physically and practically. Yet, because of health issues I can not just end it at this point.  So, I compartmentalize and know its not perfect, but its worth it because it means I can offer myself to Mistress and be Hers.

Then came YIM. And if anything the week taught me I should stay off YIM. Monday night Mistress and I started chatting via YIM, and it did not go well. YIM, like email, twitter and anything else that is not face to face does not allow emotions and feelings to be expressed. So what is left unsaid is left unconveyed.  There is no way to reach out and hug someone during a YIM session.

During our conversation on YIM Monday night Mistress and I talked about some shifts that are going on in my job-and how that may prompt me to look for something else.  Now, this is something I do regularily-look for new opportunities, and talk to people about career changes. I rarely think anything of them until there is a hard copy job offer in my hands.  Left unsaid on YIM was that if any new opportunity required a move, I would talk to Mistress about having Her join me. Relationships are hard work.

Tuesday night, back on YIM (you’d think I would have learned my lesson) we headed down another path-this time on my insecurity.  See, I know the baggage I carry with me in this relationship, and one of my biggest fears is that Mistress will meet someone else and feel a spark.  That person will have less baggage (we all have some), and I will be out.  It would hurt a lot.  This time the case-study was a pro-scene Mistress is trying to set up with someone so She can get a new pair of Prada boots that She craves.

Realistically, I can not get them for Mistress (a different relationship neurosis), and this will allow Mistress to get them.  Which at the end of the day is a good thing for Her.  But then came the how does that make you feel question-and it makes me feel insecure.  Then the image of me crawling to those boots and worshipping them-while a turn on for my Mistress, causes me to pause for a beat-it should be me right? (yet another neurosis). Dang, relationships are hard work.

But then came Wednesday night. For once, events lined up nicely and I went home with Mistress. We sat at Her place for a bit talking.  Then crawled into Her bed and talked some more, held each other, and loved each other. There are rewards for hard work….

At the end, and Mistress knows this: I love my Mistress; I love my girlfriend; I can not imagine my life with out my Mistress/girlfriend in it; we are both better people together:

Two strong people can stand alone

Together two strong people can be a magnificent force

Alone we have frailties

Together our frailties can be our strengths

There is no perfection, there is no utopia…

We have the the voyage to find perfection and utopia we can take together

Alone we can want

Together we can feel