From Behind the 8-Ball

One of the biggest challenges in any relationship is the ability to communicate–and despite the fact that I communicate for a living, am an avid user of email, Twitter, instant message and text along with assorted kink and vanilla social network sites.  And yet, somehow the nuances of communication in a relationship seems to elude me.

And I have to admit that I think that perhaps a I try too hard and should let it be more natural.

Over nearly two years, Mistress and I have gone through a lot-and a lot of it has been communication related.  I under communicate, and I know it.  When we fight, Mistress and I are passionate people and emotions jump into the fray.

One of the things about communicating in an emotional state I am trying to work on is keeping my emotions and check-and trying to discuss facts and feelings and not let my feelings become a part of the equation.

The last couple of weeks though-Mistress and I have had little “outbursts.”  In both cases I completely understand the way Mistress has seen things–but the facts she has cobbled together are not full and the conclusion just not right.  Yet, she not only presents these as fully-baked arguments, they are laced with accusations of lying to her, or trying to cheat on her or trying to intentionally hurt her.

And while all of those outcomes are the furthest from the truth-when she brings them to me, they come as accusations.  Now what is the nominal reaction to an accusation-defend.  A response to an accusation by its nature is defensive–especially when the fullness of what occured is not there.

Yet, somehow I have been cast as the villain and arguing the negative–proving that the conclusion is wrong.  I can’t help but think back to a law professor I once had–if you have a good case pound the law, if you have nothing pound the table.

But lately I feel like I am pounding myself.

Looking inward trying to see where I could have done better, trying to be a better person for Mistress, for us and for myself.

About 800 Pound Gorillas

As we were on the platform waiting for Mistress’ subway–actually time that has become very romantic for us (yeah, some kind of subway kink I guess) things turned south in a hurry because either I misunderstood something, Mistressmis-stated something or some combination of both (the likely scenario). And just as that happened, the “V” train pulled in and instead of a hug and a kiss, I got a peck on the cheek and muttered “I love you.”

Clearly trouble brewing.

What the hell…

OK, this is a blog post that is a long time in the making–and to be honest I am not sure its ready to be posted.  However I think one of the reasons I couldn’t sleep last night is because I spent a lot of time spinning the last week and a half or so through my mind, and my current thinking is that posting this will at least give me some kind of milepost–a marker to benchmark against.

Anyone who reads this blog or reads my Mistress’s blog “Kink In the City” knows we have share what is usually a pretty happy and mutually rewarding Femdom/FLR relationship.  It has not always been this way, but through hard work, some tears and more than a few leaps of faith we have made it work.

Scattered across various web boards, on this blog and on her blog we both like to say that open-honest communication is the basis upon which a healthy relationship can be built.  And I think ultimately that is why Mistress and I will ultimately be able to enjoy our relationship.

But then on the foundation goes the baggage–and best metaphor I can come up with that sustains the baggage analogy is a few fleeting seconds in an old Daffy Duck/Porky Pig cartoon.  Go about 3:50 in and you’ll see Daffy trying to balance all of his bags and at times fail.

And in the case of Mistress and me-there is a lot of baggage.  I’ve taken to referring to these as the boxes–as in being boxed in.  There is my home box.  There is my family box.  Lately there has been a box from work that has been more stressful than anything else. There is box I put myself in at the beginning of our relationship by not being forthcoming.

To be honest, Mistress brings boxes too (her personal life, job and career stress etc-I will leave it to Mistress to disclose what she wants and how).  And all of that baggage sits on our communication foundation.

But lately I can’t help but think there are cracks.

Two or so weeks ago, after Mistress and I went out with a business acquaintance of mine and said good night we started texting back and forth.  Mistress very innocently asked if I thought she was taking me for granted of lately.  And the answer was yes.

We tried a phone call–and when that had limited effect I sent her (for us) a pretty long email.  Well 10 emails later, we ended up in a three hour discussion about what we want, what our expectations are and what we could to to move forward together.

Then a week later–another seemingly innocent question–and we were right back where we started–this time after bickering in person for an hour or so, we continued on the phone for another hour before finally getting into the core of the issues.

And beyond communication–it seems to me there is a trust issue that we have to figure out. Its not a revelation to me given the above semi-outlined baggage–but its a little surprising to me the level of what I perceive to be mutual distrust.  And the way we assuage our distrust is very different–which also causes some new issues to be brought in.

At some point toward the end of our conversation last night–when Mistress and I finally stopped bickering–we got to actual feelings.  And Mistress told me (in past tense) that after our conversation last week she felt closer to me and felt we were in a good spot.

And what did I do, unwind all of that–and go two weeks backward–all because I thought I was moving forward.

Its not easy-ever is it?

So what the hell–

To be continued….

–PS-later in the same day–

Mistress and I spent the night toghether tonight–and were able to laugh and banter about last night’s bickering.  Relationships are tough–there are ebbs and flows–good days and bad.  Its how you weather the ebbs (bad) that make the good days worth it–and tonight was worth it–although I can think of a very specific place I would rather be right now……

Back, and some thoughts

So, its great to be back. And by back, I mean back home after a 10 day Hawaiian vacation. Back in the same city as my Mistress for the first time in nearly three weeks (Mistress went on vacation right before Christmas, I left on Christmas day–we’ve been keeping up via text message, Twitter etc).

And the time away gave me a chance to do a lot of thinking about a lot of things. I won’t try to cover them all here-but one that I think I am internally ready to talk about (because I know Mistress reads this, there are some others not quite there yet):

By way of very quick background, Mistress and I first met in a professional setting. Mistress was (and is still sometimes) a pro-Domme in NYC.  After exchanging some email and other notes, I took the leap and booked a session-which I think in retrospect both Mistress and I will say did not go well.

It did spawn though a great relationship-where Mistress and I are able to communicate with one another, share things, be intimate, and share a great D/s dynamic. She is my Mistress, 100% of the time lock stock and barrel. I would have it no other way.

But she is also my GF, my lover, my partner, my friend-and I would have it no other way.

Read back through this blog or my Mistress’ blog to see how challenging that can be-its not easy. But then again nothing good is ever easy.

Back to the deep thoughts of the last three weeks.  Mistress recently decided to go back to actively marketing herself as a pro-Domme. Now this is an area that has me on edge.  For her safety first a foremost, then there are some insecurities I have with it all.  However, its something she wants to do, and I do my best to encourage her and help her.

Which brings me to the specific topic for this post.  Mistress and I have both posted about gifts-expectations, what we get, and even feeling a little let down by what we get. Its something we are working on.

To that end, Mistress is always D/s toy shopping. Looking for bullwhips, London Tanners products etc.

But to me, she is more than my Mistress. She is my GF, my lover, my partner–and when I get her things I want to reflect all of that–after all that is the special connection we have (or at least I like to think that).

But then I am conflicted, does she want the toys? Is that what her expectation is? Its where D/s and BF/GF cross–and even now, more than a year later is an area that I approach with caution.

Sometimes, a Lesson is Learned…

So, i have to admit, today netted out as a really good day. Want to why? It was a VM i got from my Mistress. It meant the world to me-because i think it shows that i have become a different person, and i have Her to thank for it.

Along with working wiht me on my diet and exercise, Mistress has really tried to put me in touch with my feelings, and share them and express them. And there are numerous ways Mistress has done this. Through probing questions, long conversations and also by “encouraging” me to take a moment and recognize things. (and i should make sure i clarify in this case encouraging does not only mean at the business end of a whip or cane).

So, today was Mistress’ first day at a new office. One of the areas i have been helping to push Mistress is on the career side. And yes, i did just say that i have been pushing my Mistress. We have a relationship-and we each bring pieces to that relationship that makes it vibrant. In this case, i know something about management, business communication and corporations–so i help my Mistress just as She has helped me.

Knowing that today was to be Her first day at the office, i had a nice flower arrangement sent with a card that offered her my congratulations on this step. I am serious when i say, this is not something i would have done for anyone a year ago. Perhaps i would have sent an email or text-but there is no way i would have taken the extra step and ordered the flowers and made sure that She felt special on Her day.

But i want to do this for my Mistress. Not only because its important to Her. Because its important for me to show Her that She has the support to succeed. And it was important for this to be a surprise.

Even though Mistress and i spent Saturday night together and had a great time i managed not to ruin the surprise.

Admittedly, i was a little nervous today. The thought in the back of my head is that the flowers don’t arrive, or i got the address wrong.  Slowly the day ticks by (and remember my day starts at 430 in the gym) and i don’t hear from Mistress. Then suddenly i get a call from Her at about 130.

That of an in itself is rare. Both Mistress and i are at work, and our normal communication is text or twitter-so a phone call is usually reserved for something big. And to be honest i did not think of the flowers, instead i was thinking about what could have happened. So i texted Mistress and told Her that i would call Her back when the call i was on was over. “Not a problem,” was Her response.

So my call ends, and i dial into my VM–and there it was, a big thank you for the flowers.

Yes. Score.

A lesson learned.

connected, ueber connected and just having fun

so, last night i got a text from my Mistress–and She kind of needed a hug and some company-so we rustled up dinner plans on comparitively short notice (a couple of hours). which given all that is going on around me right now-work and personal is pretty good.  and we did all of that via text message.

now to put in perspective for those who will read this at a later date-last night was also the vice-presidential debate. Without getting too far into it because of what i do for a living, i am directly tied to events surrounding each of the debates as well.  but i think i am good enough at what i do, and connected enough where i can spend quality time with my Mistress and still make sure i am on top of what is going on at the office.

to accomplish this-email on my RIM, text messages and a random old-school phone call (even to my mobile phone).  pretty vanilla stuff so far i know….

so as i am heading home (and missing the debate) i started to follow what was going on via twitter-first on my RIM then on my laptop (gotta love that sprint air card).

then Mistress texts me and tells me She is taking a bath in a nice vanilla bath bomb (i had to ask what this was too). and we started a nice little give and take via text message that if not x-rated certainly got to an r-rating…when i described in as much detail as text messages would allow how i would wash my Mistress in the bath…fingering Her, sucking Her nipples and letting Her sponge cascade across Her body.

yeah–it was kind of a nice distraction from trying to filter the bs commentary on the debate from the actual cool info i was getting via twitter.

the net was–i realized that for work, information and just plain fun–connected is a good thing. its knowing how to use the tools and gather hte information that really helps.