Is it really alright?

Its been a week of dealing with things that I really can’t control–which is very frustrating to me–because the stakes are so high. And maybe some of this is just misplaced self pity.

But still, I have to wonder, is it really alright?

Thinking, Prorgressing, Growing

While I hope this blog can be an archive of great an kinky exploits that Mistress and I share in–its also become part sounding board for me, which I find pretty cathartic. Probably annoying to many readers-but hey, its my blog, right?

Here is one of those cathartic type blogs–but in this case its part follow up, part break-through and part me just sort of taking stock:

What the hell…

OK, this is a blog post that is a long time in the making–and to be honest I am not sure its ready to be posted.  However I think one of the reasons I couldn’t sleep last night is because I spent a lot of time spinning the last week and a half or so through my mind, and my current thinking is that posting this will at least give me some kind of milepost–a marker to benchmark against.

Anyone who reads this blog or reads my Mistress’s blog “Kink In the City” knows we have share what is usually a pretty happy and mutually rewarding Femdom/FLR relationship.  It has not always been this way, but through hard work, some tears and more than a few leaps of faith we have made it work.

Scattered across various web boards, on this blog and on her blog we both like to say that open-honest communication is the basis upon which a healthy relationship can be built.  And I think ultimately that is why Mistress and I will ultimately be able to enjoy our relationship.

But then on the foundation goes the baggage–and best metaphor I can come up with that sustains the baggage analogy is a few fleeting seconds in an old Daffy Duck/Porky Pig cartoon.  Go about 3:50 in and you’ll see Daffy trying to balance all of his bags and at times fail.

And in the case of Mistress and me-there is a lot of baggage.  I’ve taken to referring to these as the boxes–as in being boxed in.  There is my home box.  There is my family box.  Lately there has been a box from work that has been more stressful than anything else. There is box I put myself in at the beginning of our relationship by not being forthcoming.

To be honest, Mistress brings boxes too (her personal life, job and career stress etc-I will leave it to Mistress to disclose what she wants and how).  And all of that baggage sits on our communication foundation.

But lately I can’t help but think there are cracks.

Two or so weeks ago, after Mistress and I went out with a business acquaintance of mine and said good night we started texting back and forth.  Mistress very innocently asked if I thought she was taking me for granted of lately.  And the answer was yes.

We tried a phone call–and when that had limited effect I sent her (for us) a pretty long email.  Well 10 emails later, we ended up in a three hour discussion about what we want, what our expectations are and what we could to to move forward together.

Then a week later–another seemingly innocent question–and we were right back where we started–this time after bickering in person for an hour or so, we continued on the phone for another hour before finally getting into the core of the issues.

And beyond communication–it seems to me there is a trust issue that we have to figure out. Its not a revelation to me given the above semi-outlined baggage–but its a little surprising to me the level of what I perceive to be mutual distrust.  And the way we assuage our distrust is very different–which also causes some new issues to be brought in.

At some point toward the end of our conversation last night–when Mistress and I finally stopped bickering–we got to actual feelings.  And Mistress told me (in past tense) that after our conversation last week she felt closer to me and felt we were in a good spot.

And what did I do, unwind all of that–and go two weeks backward–all because I thought I was moving forward.

Its not easy-ever is it?

So what the hell–

To be continued….

–PS-later in the same day–

Mistress and I spent the night toghether tonight–and were able to laugh and banter about last night’s bickering.  Relationships are tough–there are ebbs and flows–good days and bad.  Its how you weather the ebbs (bad) that make the good days worth it–and tonight was worth it–although I can think of a very specific place I would rather be right now……

Right Track–Now Hoping to Keep it all on Rolling Along

So, I just wanted to post a quick update since my last post on being selfless–because the feedback I got on that–from Mistress and from others was that the post was kind of negative and I don’t think I meant it to be.

Yeah, there is a tinge of jealousy in there–but I think that is normal (and Mistress agrees with that).  Honestly, I think I have a great relationship with Mistress–and if I could figure out a way to get out from under my situation on the home front–which is very complex I would.  The reality is I can’t just end it and walk out.  But I think there is an end that is closer now than ever before.

In a recent post on her blog Mistress outlined several feelings that she has–and one of them is sadness–sad for losing those she loves, sad for herself because she is unlovable.  It has this passage in it that I have spent a lot of time thinking about:

There are so many things that I feel he won’t/can’t do for me. In a way, it makes me start to lose interest too.

Before I address this directly–the couple of lines above this talk about an obsessive younger guy Mistress was seeing/training–who at one point threatened to kill her–and himself with the line, “I have a bullet with your name on it.”  Now that is not normal.

Among my fears is that Mistress will lose interest–and lose interest not because of what  I can or can’t do–but because some of what I want to do will just take more time than she can devote to me and us.  And that honestly makes me a little sad and a little scared.

But the reality is Mistress and I have a vibrant relationship–and we are able to talk about all of these issues–in an open and honest fashion. And that is so rare that it can only be a good thing for us as individuals and for us as a couple.

So, its not all bad–and in fact I hope its on the path to being right.  Now all i have to do is keep it all rolling along.

Feeling Good, In a Good Spot

So, its been a weird couple of weeks for me, for my Mistress and for our relationship.  But I think its kind of help us find a good spot for us.

Mistress had a week of purgatory before losing her job, and that caused a lot of stress for her, for me and for us.

On my home front, there were two health issues that caused a lot of stress for me, for her and for us.

Now, I don’t emote well.  And certainly I do not share my thoughts and feelings–especially when there is so much I can’t control going on around me.  I need to feel I have a handle on it, and then I can start to deal with my feelings and thoughts.

But that is not the relationship I have with Mistress.  I have promised to share in real time what is going on, and how it affects me.  The same promise Mistress has made with me–since she too has some issues around this.

Together though we are getting through. Its not a perfect outcome for either of us, but we are in it together (at least I feel like we are) and that makes me feel good.

Mistress has started doing pro-sessions again.  I really have physical and emotional worries about this–but we are working through it, understanding the situation, and I am being supportive.

Between issues with my kids and some other stuff at home–my plans are in a state of flux, and Mistress has been understanding too–helping me cope with it and not adding more pressure.

So yeah, I am feeling good (are you Mistress?) and I think we’re in a good spot.

Time to Process

So, I made a realization tonight, and I am not completely sure what it means. While I think about that-I’ll toss it out in this Quick Press to the few who read in here…

Mistress and I have each been going through some tough personal issues-the kind of stuff that individually would be tough to handle-combined its been really tough. I think ultimately we come out on the other side much better–just have to get there.

So, today I went over to Mistress’ place, and we hung out some before going to a movie. It took me three hours to process the feelings I had when I walked into Mistress’ apartment.

As we were having a quick dinner we talked about the feelings, and I let slide the comments about my being so disconnected that it took me that long to process…

So my question–is this pretty normal? Feels like it to me. I had an experience, I took some time to think about it and then understood and was able to articulate what I felt.

Or should I be able to do this more on the fly?

Just wondering.

Terms, Terminology: How we see ourselves, and how others see us

So the other night-while laying naked next to each other Mistress posed an interesting question to me, and one that i have spent a lot of time thinking about–and reality is 1: i am not sure of the answer and 2: i don’t think i ever fully answered that question.  But i think Mistress’ goal was to prompt the thinking and the additional discussion (which is healthy, and sometimes tough).

By way of context, and some is a repeat for anyone who has read any part of this blog, or my Mistress’ blog, Mistress is a sadist and a true lifestyler-She has Her thoughts about what a FLR (Female lead relationship) is, and what the roles are. i tend to be less of a masochist to Mistress’ sadistic streak. i think i am a lifestyle sub/slave, but one with perhaps less conventional views-but still happy to be a part of an FLR and totally in love with my Mistress.

With that context, comes this. Am i really a a submissive? Or am i more of a fetish bottom?

So, first i had to askwhat is a fetish bottom, or a fettom as Mistress and i have come to call it. Mistress basically said it was someone who like me is a fetishist-leather, boots and bottom in the relationship.

I was able to find this definition of fetish bottom on line:

Fetish bottoms differ from other types of fetishist in that the object they eroticise is associated with a top. They are almost invariably male, and in the pure form have little need to interact with the top or to submit their will in real life encounters.

i don’t think this is me, i need to interact with my Mistress. i actually want to interact with Her.

Then comes the question of my submissiveness.

I tend to fall more in line with this definition of submissive:

A submissive (or “sub”) is one who enjoys having any of a variety of BDSMdominance and submission (D/s). This enjoyment can spring from a simple desire for submission or an enjoyment of the interplay of wills involved in such a scenario. practices performed upon them by a dominant; or one who holds a submissive position within a relationship based upon

In one of Mistress’ blogs from last month-she described submissive males as such:

Submissive men generally don’t want to be loved by Female Dominants. They yearn to be humiliated. They don’t want to marry. To have kids. They want to believe they are inferior to women. And god forbid a woman actually show emotion!!! HERESY!!!

Submissive men are so fucked up.

So, which am i? This is the question i am left to ponder. i know i love my Mistress, and would do anything i can to make Her happy. i can see myself married to Her at some point-but that is down the line because of some other baggage issues.

But can i meet Her ideal? Afterall, when all is said and done, its important for the vision of a partnership to be held by both parties-and if i am a fettom, rather than the submissive She seeks-can we actually be together longer term?

I never want my Mistress to be in a spot to have to settle, and i don’t want to drive Her to the space She was last march (into the arms of another). i guess this is why they say love hurts, and thinking about it is painful sometimes….