Staking Out Ground-and Hold Fast

So today–we both ended up in a sad state, reminded of our own human frailties. And when confronting this, instead of starting from a point of evolution-I reflexively went for de-evolution and went back to the comfort zone-a place to start.

For Whom Does the Worm Turn?

As the discussion (45 minutes give or take) meandered through topics–one that came up which is one I have often thought about–and even from time to time have asked about was why do dominant women openly seek out “worms” to serve them. It seems so counter intuitive.

return of the dumb guy

So, anyone who knows me, or likely if you have spent any time reading through this blog can piece together–at heart I am a dumb guy. Its not something I am ashamed of, its not something I try to hide.  When it comes to a lot of things that are not sports, work, working out–I am a dumb guy.

Sometimes I suppose it can be appealing, or at least mildly refreshing.  Other times its an impediment.

Case in point-I don’t shop well.  I am not a “things” person. Hell, I drive a 10 year old car with a cracked windshield, 150 miles and a hole in the front quarter panel.  I would not describe myself as cheap or even thrifty–but I just am not one to spend on things.  I would rather spend on experiences and events–stuff I can do with others as opposed to just stuff.

So Mistress and I celebrated our one-year anniversary–and I got her a couple of items read more about it here rather than recount it all.  In buying gifts for Mistress, my goal was to be thoughful, symbolic and show my love and devotion….

So when I was in the jewlery place, I saw a great heart pendant on a chain–and thought this is great, the way the pendant hung it would be right over Mistress’ heart–kind of like putting my heart near hers.

I never even considered the chain was well, flimsy at best–I am not sure I even looked at the chain-this for those who do not recognize it is Dumb Guy Shopping 101.

So, this lead to a little mis-direction, and a few moments of tension with Mistress-which is never good, and yesterday when it happened it was really not a good day for me.  But the good news is that we talked through it–I think I get what happened, and I know how to prevent it going further.

The moral of the story–and the good thing about this part is that males and females can share this keen insight–tops/bottoms, kinks/vanillas–it works for everyone….

Be a little holistic even when shopping–take some time and be sure you are getting something that fully conveys the thought and emotion you are looking to share….

Terms, Terminology: How we see ourselves, and how others see us

So the other night-while laying naked next to each other Mistress posed an interesting question to me, and one that i have spent a lot of time thinking about–and reality is 1: i am not sure of the answer and 2: i don’t think i ever fully answered that question.  But i think Mistress’ goal was to prompt the thinking and the additional discussion (which is healthy, and sometimes tough).

By way of context, and some is a repeat for anyone who has read any part of this blog, or my Mistress’ blog, Mistress is a sadist and a true lifestyler-She has Her thoughts about what a FLR (Female lead relationship) is, and what the roles are. i tend to be less of a masochist to Mistress’ sadistic streak. i think i am a lifestyle sub/slave, but one with perhaps less conventional views-but still happy to be a part of an FLR and totally in love with my Mistress.

With that context, comes this. Am i really a a submissive? Or am i more of a fetish bottom?

So, first i had to askwhat is a fetish bottom, or a fettom as Mistress and i have come to call it. Mistress basically said it was someone who like me is a fetishist-leather, boots and bottom in the relationship.

I was able to find this definition of fetish bottom on line:

Fetish bottoms differ from other types of fetishist in that the object they eroticise is associated with a top. They are almost invariably male, and in the pure form have little need to interact with the top or to submit their will in real life encounters.

i don’t think this is me, i need to interact with my Mistress. i actually want to interact with Her.

Then comes the question of my submissiveness.

I tend to fall more in line with this definition of submissive:

A submissive (or “sub”) is one who enjoys having any of a variety of BDSMdominance and submission (D/s). This enjoyment can spring from a simple desire for submission or an enjoyment of the interplay of wills involved in such a scenario. practices performed upon them by a dominant; or one who holds a submissive position within a relationship based upon

In one of Mistress’ blogs from last month-she described submissive males as such:

Submissive men generally don’t want to be loved by Female Dominants. They yearn to be humiliated. They don’t want to marry. To have kids. They want to believe they are inferior to women. And god forbid a woman actually show emotion!!! HERESY!!!

Submissive men are so fucked up.

So, which am i? This is the question i am left to ponder. i know i love my Mistress, and would do anything i can to make Her happy. i can see myself married to Her at some point-but that is down the line because of some other baggage issues.

But can i meet Her ideal? Afterall, when all is said and done, its important for the vision of a partnership to be held by both parties-and if i am a fettom, rather than the submissive She seeks-can we actually be together longer term?

I never want my Mistress to be in a spot to have to settle, and i don’t want to drive Her to the space She was last march (into the arms of another). i guess this is why they say love hurts, and thinking about it is painful sometimes….

D/s, boy/girl-oh what a tangled web we weave

i think ultimately, its great that even at 40 there are thousands of new experiences out there to sample, try and at least for me try to understand.

the latest–understanding the line when a D/s relationship becomes a boy/girl relationship–and where does the Mistress/sub part meet up with the happy couple part.

its been an interesting week for me–my monday suddenly became empty–so a special One invited me to a great hours long mid-day diversion.  one that i would not normally take.  we dined, walked, talked, held hands–and She sent me on my way back to the office with a great good bye kiss.

now this was a prelude–since tuesday night we had already had plans for a movie, perhaps some dinner–and some time to chat and be comfy.

based on text messages and emails from monday night and tuesday i felt comfortable in knowing that the line had been crossed at least somewhat–what was a D/s relationship, had dipped into boy/girl.

when i met up with Her at the movies, should i expect to kiss Her hand as is Her custom?, give Her a hug and kiss like She left me with monday?,  can i break the Mistress glass and cuddle?

it turns out the answer is yes to all of the above–She is Mistress–and shall be treated as such–but She is also the girl in the boy/girl dynamic…

now all i have to do is understand girls–and that’s worked out so well.

sometimes its better to be lucky-or at least fortunate

its been an interesting couple of weeks for me-a couple of milestone (at least for me) moments that make me think sometimes some luck mixed with fortune is not all bad.

i had the honor of serving One a week or so ago, which for me is a leap–its really pressing to push myself to the proverbial “next level.” while i realize its not a huge accomplishment–i’ll take the victories where i can.  for some cosmicish type reasons, i ended up kneeling before a Mistress with a sadistic streak–although i am not the true masochist She would seek (probably). see my 11/30 post

i am hoping as a sign that things went well, She and i met up for dinner last night in the city–a chance to step out of the dungeon, into a different setting–chat, meet, laugh.

once the normal nervous anticipation was out of the way–we met up at rockefeller center, and set out for what was a very enjoyable evening.

we walked, talked–i have to admit i did manage to get us a little lost (probably not a great trait for a submissive trying to impress)…but we ended up in a nice little place (She is vegan).

along the way, She bounced from being a nice woman to dine with to Mistress–back and forth–but i hope other than getting mis-placed on the west-side i showed respect.  She probed and cross examined, i asked and listened–understanding each of our standings and how we got to where we are.

without delving deep into the ins and outs of the conversations–if you saw us walking down the street we would look like another couple going out to dinner. if you listenend in–probably not what you would be expecting.

She was wearing a pair of new riding boots–and i have to admit, one of the truly nice things about being in the city this time of year is the boots–chalk up another fetish.

once seated, She very easily took the menus, told me what to order, and it felt very comfortable–not in the least bit awkward.  as we were dining, i could feel Her boot press to my leg from time to time…at first i was thinking just shifting around–but it kind of stayed, and i pressed into the soft leather as best i could…and it stayed there.  perhaps not so unintentional.  off and on through the meal–the boot would press to my leg, then off.  i would try to look into Her face and see if there was anything She would express–just a pretty smile.  hmmmm

She reviewed the desert options, and very calmly took the spoon the waitress placed for me away–and again it felt natural–i would now watch Her enjoy–and it was desert enough.  She showed compassion, and allowed me a taste–which i responded with a “thank You Ma’am.”

a too short walk to the subway–and an even shorter subway ride brought the night to a close…with the feel of Her soft skin pressed to my face, the scent of Her pefume filling my nose and a glisten of Her smile–i continued downtown.

thank You Mistress. thank You Ma’am. i hope Your part of the evening was as good as mine.

sometimes just take what you get

there are times when even the simplest of connections can make a world of difference–when you need a pat on the back–but there is no one there to do it.

as they say, tis’ the season.  and perhaps it is. but its also a lot of work, and a lot of stress.  add to that some external stressors, work pressures and  there are days that just plain suck.

i had one of those this week–and here in nyc its flat out cold too, which doesn’t help my mood a lot.

so, after a particularily bad day, i decided to walk it off, and get away from it all.  i packed away the cell phones in my back pack, put on my jacket, slung the bag over my shoulder and set out–40 or so blocks south into the winds and cold of an nyc night.

the sites and sounds of the city–even on a 25-degree night are electrifying–and along the way, the connections that can be made are impressive. from an innocent conversation, recollections can be triggered–and the issues of the day can wash away with the light snow falling.

and yes, today is wednesday.

looking inside to figure out what people see on the outside

i should say this right up-front so the right context is clear, no matter how much i try not to be–at the end of the day, i am a dumb guy.  there is nothing to be ashamed of there.  its easy for me to blow a night watching hockey–from the east coast right across to the west coast. over the summer, you’ll find me out at a ball game more often than not.

its simple, i get it–and is not intellectually challenging.

now that is not to say that i am not one to avoid intellectual challenges.  in fact, i embrace them–its just that there are times when you just want to shut down–and be a dumb guy.

so, what happens?  there is One out there who is most intriguing and is someone i’d like to get to know better–see if there is a right connection.

so dumb guy lethrd is now challenged–and in the internet age–so much of what is said is “on the record” that there is a record to track.

so, when the One that you want to get to know more asks a pointed question:

What has been your history with relationships – have you ended a majority of     them or vice versa? How do you intend to stop the cycle of poisoning your relationships and self sabotaging your life….or do you?

so if i want to keep on track, and this is One perso i am interested in–and i have promised Her i would answer all questions honestly–i have to do the one thing dumb guys hate–look inward and  find the answer.  and chances are its burried so deep within, that its not easy to get there–which is why its burried in a space never to see the light of day.

so, with a deep breath, you dig in–and venture out inot an unprotected area–opening up, and hoping the instinct that got you here is right….

so far, it has been.

worth the wait

so sometimes–its worth the wait.

thank You to a very specific person for making the wait worth it. while i may not be a true masochist at heart–i think i showed at least One that even a non-masochist can be a worthy bottom for a sadist at heart.

while i do realize that a lot of restraint was shown–i think i feel like next time–if You’ll have me–i can do even better.

thank You Mistress for allowing me to worship You–and for pushing my limits.

the wait

how many times does it happen–there is a moment that you know is coming–its anticipation–and the more you do not to think about it–the more you do, and the further away it gets.

so tonight, that is my situation.

five tomorrow afternoon can’t get here fast enough.  somewhere between primal urge, deep curiosity, and just wanting to have a new experience…

but for now, its a matter of trying to fill some time–keep eyes off the clock–and hope 5 rolls around that much faster.

i am thinking an update is coming…