Disclosure….

Just a random thought this morning….when you do full disclosure who is there to be the judge? If you promise to be an open book and share is there a threshold for the totality? Or is that the elusive mutual trust?

Its the Details, Always the Details

Someone in a professional setting who I respect for his business acumen once said to me-the devil’s in the details. And in life too–the devil’s in the details.

What the hell…

OK, this is a blog post that is a long time in the making–and to be honest I am not sure its ready to be posted.  However I think one of the reasons I couldn’t sleep last night is because I spent a lot of time spinning the last week and a half or so through my mind, and my current thinking is that posting this will at least give me some kind of milepost–a marker to benchmark against.

Anyone who reads this blog or reads my Mistress’s blog “Kink In the City” knows we have share what is usually a pretty happy and mutually rewarding Femdom/FLR relationship.  It has not always been this way, but through hard work, some tears and more than a few leaps of faith we have made it work.

Scattered across various web boards, on this blog and on her blog we both like to say that open-honest communication is the basis upon which a healthy relationship can be built.  And I think ultimately that is why Mistress and I will ultimately be able to enjoy our relationship.

But then on the foundation goes the baggage–and best metaphor I can come up with that sustains the baggage analogy is a few fleeting seconds in an old Daffy Duck/Porky Pig cartoon.  Go about 3:50 in and you’ll see Daffy trying to balance all of his bags and at times fail.

And in the case of Mistress and me-there is a lot of baggage.  I’ve taken to referring to these as the boxes–as in being boxed in.  There is my home box.  There is my family box.  Lately there has been a box from work that has been more stressful than anything else. There is box I put myself in at the beginning of our relationship by not being forthcoming.

To be honest, Mistress brings boxes too (her personal life, job and career stress etc-I will leave it to Mistress to disclose what she wants and how).  And all of that baggage sits on our communication foundation.

But lately I can’t help but think there are cracks.

Two or so weeks ago, after Mistress and I went out with a business acquaintance of mine and said good night we started texting back and forth.  Mistress very innocently asked if I thought she was taking me for granted of lately.  And the answer was yes.

We tried a phone call–and when that had limited effect I sent her (for us) a pretty long email.  Well 10 emails later, we ended up in a three hour discussion about what we want, what our expectations are and what we could to to move forward together.

Then a week later–another seemingly innocent question–and we were right back where we started–this time after bickering in person for an hour or so, we continued on the phone for another hour before finally getting into the core of the issues.

And beyond communication–it seems to me there is a trust issue that we have to figure out. Its not a revelation to me given the above semi-outlined baggage–but its a little surprising to me the level of what I perceive to be mutual distrust.  And the way we assuage our distrust is very different–which also causes some new issues to be brought in.

At some point toward the end of our conversation last night–when Mistress and I finally stopped bickering–we got to actual feelings.  And Mistress told me (in past tense) that after our conversation last week she felt closer to me and felt we were in a good spot.

And what did I do, unwind all of that–and go two weeks backward–all because I thought I was moving forward.

Its not easy-ever is it?

So what the hell–

To be continued….

–PS-later in the same day–

Mistress and I spent the night toghether tonight–and were able to laugh and banter about last night’s bickering.  Relationships are tough–there are ebbs and flows–good days and bad.  Its how you weather the ebbs (bad) that make the good days worth it–and tonight was worth it–although I can think of a very specific place I would rather be right now……

Sometimes Its Goes Well

Its not always a struggle and battle….

Hard work, and Good Rewards….

So, relationships are hard work. Not quite a revalation I know. But still, relationships are hard work.

This week, I think I learned a lot about just how hard the work is, and what the rewards are. And still, relationships are hard work.

So the week started with being able to spend a few hours with Mistress lying naked in Her bed and just enjoying how good She feels in my arms. I was able to get to Her place around 11 or so Saturday night, and had to leave at about 630 Sunday morning-part of the baggage that is our relationship.

While the night was blissful, I kind of knew as I was leaving there was more to come.  See, I am married, and not to my Mistress.  For all intent and purposes, my marriage is dead-emotionally, physically and practically. Yet, because of health issues I can not just end it at this point.  So, I compartmentalize and know its not perfect, but its worth it because it means I can offer myself to Mistress and be Hers.

Then came YIM. And if anything the week taught me I should stay off YIM. Monday night Mistress and I started chatting via YIM, and it did not go well. YIM, like email, twitter and anything else that is not face to face does not allow emotions and feelings to be expressed. So what is left unsaid is left unconveyed.  There is no way to reach out and hug someone during a YIM session.

During our conversation on YIM Monday night Mistress and I talked about some shifts that are going on in my job-and how that may prompt me to look for something else.  Now, this is something I do regularily-look for new opportunities, and talk to people about career changes. I rarely think anything of them until there is a hard copy job offer in my hands.  Left unsaid on YIM was that if any new opportunity required a move, I would talk to Mistress about having Her join me. Relationships are hard work.

Tuesday night, back on YIM (you’d think I would have learned my lesson) we headed down another path-this time on my insecurity.  See, I know the baggage I carry with me in this relationship, and one of my biggest fears is that Mistress will meet someone else and feel a spark.  That person will have less baggage (we all have some), and I will be out.  It would hurt a lot.  This time the case-study was a pro-scene Mistress is trying to set up with someone so She can get a new pair of Prada boots that She craves.

Realistically, I can not get them for Mistress (a different relationship neurosis), and this will allow Mistress to get them.  Which at the end of the day is a good thing for Her.  But then came the how does that make you feel question-and it makes me feel insecure.  Then the image of me crawling to those boots and worshipping them-while a turn on for my Mistress, causes me to pause for a beat-it should be me right? (yet another neurosis). Dang, relationships are hard work.

But then came Wednesday night. For once, events lined up nicely and I went home with Mistress. We sat at Her place for a bit talking.  Then crawled into Her bed and talked some more, held each other, and loved each other. There are rewards for hard work….

At the end, and Mistress knows this: I love my Mistress; I love my girlfriend; I can not imagine my life with out my Mistress/girlfriend in it; we are both better people together:

Two strong people can stand alone

Together two strong people can be a magnificent force

Alone we have frailties

Together our frailties can be our strengths

There is no perfection, there is no utopia…

We have the the voyage to find perfection and utopia we can take together

Alone we can want

Together we can feel

communication is the make or break for a relationship

from anyway you look at things, my relationship with Mistress is on a really good roll right now–and its been this way for awhile-and the reason is because She and i have found a new simplified way to communicate-we do it.

of course reaching this point was not easy. in fact it came after a rocky period where we had problem communicating-so it is a fragile kind of thing. but i think now, Mistress and i have a much better understanding of how we can communicate, why we need to communicate and how good it feels to communicate.

i was reading a post of mf today which was sort of a manifesto of sorts about lifestyle relationships (as opposed to pro relationships) and it drove home many of the points that Mistress and i have come to realize….

that to make it work, we are a couple first and foremost. we have a relationship. while its based on a D/s dynamic, we are in this to support one another. and the reality is the work of supporting one another is communicating.

its kind of funny looking back, because a month or so a go we were not in such a good spot. in fact, i was pretty sure (and Mistress has confirmed this) that we were going to meet for dinner to discuss how to maintain a friendship–but no be a couple because neither of us was getting the support we needed. instead, the walls breaking communication came crumbling down-and i think Mistress and i went to another level.

now, i can hardly imagine not being able to hold and cuddle with Mistress. my caring of Mistress and Her desires is so deep, and my trust of Her is so total that since then i have even gone to “scene” events with Her. something i honestly could not have imagined doing even three months ago. because i know i am in this with Mistress and we are together in this.

its amazing what can happen when two people commit to communicate.

next stop hurdle for me is paddles. its something Mistress wants to do, and i will make it happen for Her-because i know when i ask Mistress for something the answer is yes–so there is no way i can say no to Her, and no way i would want to. Mistress is my partner on this journey-and together we are strong, and making each other stronger.