From Behind the 8-Ball

One of the biggest challenges in any relationship is the ability to communicate–and despite the fact that I communicate for a living, am an avid user of email, Twitter, instant message and text along with assorted kink and vanilla social network sites.  And yet, somehow the nuances of communication in a relationship seems to elude me.

And I have to admit that I think that perhaps a I try too hard and should let it be more natural.

Over nearly two years, Mistress and I have gone through a lot-and a lot of it has been communication related.  I under communicate, and I know it.  When we fight, Mistress and I are passionate people and emotions jump into the fray.

One of the things about communicating in an emotional state I am trying to work on is keeping my emotions and check-and trying to discuss facts and feelings and not let my feelings become a part of the equation.

The last couple of weeks though-Mistress and I have had little “outbursts.”  In both cases I completely understand the way Mistress has seen things–but the facts she has cobbled together are not full and the conclusion just not right.  Yet, she not only presents these as fully-baked arguments, they are laced with accusations of lying to her, or trying to cheat on her or trying to intentionally hurt her.

And while all of those outcomes are the furthest from the truth-when she brings them to me, they come as accusations.  Now what is the nominal reaction to an accusation-defend.  A response to an accusation by its nature is defensive–especially when the fullness of what occured is not there.

Yet, somehow I have been cast as the villain and arguing the negative–proving that the conclusion is wrong.  I can’t help but think back to a law professor I once had–if you have a good case pound the law, if you have nothing pound the table.

But lately I feel like I am pounding myself.

Looking inward trying to see where I could have done better, trying to be a better person for Mistress, for us and for myself.

He’s Back, Now Where are the Bananas?

Last week I wrote about the sinking feeling I was getting that in my relationship with Mistress, there was an 800 pound gorilla in the room waiting to pounce.  Its kind of how I expressed my feeling that there was something else going on between Mistress and I. Something that was affecting the quality of our relationship as BF/GF.

After some disucssion, and some time together, I was beginning to think Mistress was right, and there was nothing lurking just over there.

But now that feeling is back-and stronger than ever.  And the bigger concern I have is that the 800 pound gorilla THIS time around may be me.

I have always struggled with communications and communication skills.  Which is kind of odd given that I work in the communications industry, but that aside–my inter-personal communication skills are not great.

I internalize.  I do not easily share. I take things very personally.  I get very frustrated when I can not express myself as clearly as I think I am. I really do not know and react well socially to situations–like if someone starts crying at a restaurant–I freeze.I hope that my failures as a communicator are somewhat offset by the actions I take.  I try to be selfless. I will sacrifice my fulfillment so others can enjoy.  When Mistress needed a client to help close off on her new career, I went in open minded listened and signed-up.  When my children want to go to a carnival, but I want to watch a ball game, I go.  I do these things because I know in so many other aspects I am not easy to be with.

One of the dynamics of my relationship with Mistress is the BF/GF part–and the way Mistress has worked hard to get me to share with her. There really is no one else I share with–even when I was in counseling, I just was not able to open up to the counselor the way I open up to Mistress.

Of late though, Mistress has not felt able to open up to me because she fears I am too judgemental, will become defensive and this tends to escalate into a broader argument.  I don’t actually agree with points one and two, but on point three, I concur.  So many times of late relatively small things have escalated–and its very trying physically and emotionally.  And we have been trying not to let things escalate.

I have tried to do that by perhaps over-sharing, which may not be a healthy tack. Mistress I think has gone the other way and has reserved and held back.

And now we are back at the lager head we were trying to avoid.

So am I the cancer to this relationship? I am beginning to think I may well be.  And I

This weekend as a case-study.

Mistress wanted to have a picnic in the park. I thought this would be a great chance for her to spend time with my kids.  Mistress and I talked about setting up a blanket, playing games getting some food from Whole Foods etc.

My kids, saw this as a chance to play in Central Park, go out on a row boat–things they like to do in Central Park.

Since I thought this was about spending time together–I let the kids roll.  However, Mistress was not happy because it was not the way she envisioned the picnic.  I tried to make sure everyone was happy–now half the people who were there (and all who are over the age of 10) are unhappy and sulking.  And what makes this worse to me is that when I saw Mistress last night, she was very reticent to tell me this–and that hurts me almost even more.

And her concerns were because she did not want  yelling or  a fight–instead we have have a discussion on Twitter, half on BB IM and nothing actually resolved.

So while I still think there maybe an 800 pound gorilla out there in a dark corner waiting to pounce on my relationship with the woman I love–and who I want my kids to love….right now, I am looking in the mirror at a different 800 pound gorilla–and not sure how to put him back in his cage.

Back, and some thoughts

So, its great to be back. And by back, I mean back home after a 10 day Hawaiian vacation. Back in the same city as my Mistress for the first time in nearly three weeks (Mistress went on vacation right before Christmas, I left on Christmas day–we’ve been keeping up via text message, Twitter etc).

And the time away gave me a chance to do a lot of thinking about a lot of things. I won’t try to cover them all here-but one that I think I am internally ready to talk about (because I know Mistress reads this, there are some others not quite there yet):

By way of very quick background, Mistress and I first met in a professional setting. Mistress was (and is still sometimes) a pro-Domme in NYC.  After exchanging some email and other notes, I took the leap and booked a session-which I think in retrospect both Mistress and I will say did not go well.

It did spawn though a great relationship-where Mistress and I are able to communicate with one another, share things, be intimate, and share a great D/s dynamic. She is my Mistress, 100% of the time lock stock and barrel. I would have it no other way.

But she is also my GF, my lover, my partner, my friend-and I would have it no other way.

Read back through this blog or my Mistress’ blog to see how challenging that can be-its not easy. But then again nothing good is ever easy.

Back to the deep thoughts of the last three weeks.  Mistress recently decided to go back to actively marketing herself as a pro-Domme. Now this is an area that has me on edge.  For her safety first a foremost, then there are some insecurities I have with it all.  However, its something she wants to do, and I do my best to encourage her and help her.

Which brings me to the specific topic for this post.  Mistress and I have both posted about gifts-expectations, what we get, and even feeling a little let down by what we get. Its something we are working on.

To that end, Mistress is always D/s toy shopping. Looking for bullwhips, London Tanners products etc.

But to me, she is more than my Mistress. She is my GF, my lover, my partner–and when I get her things I want to reflect all of that–after all that is the special connection we have (or at least I like to think that).

But then I am conflicted, does she want the toys? Is that what her expectation is? Its where D/s and BF/GF cross–and even now, more than a year later is an area that I approach with caution.

Sometimes, a Lesson is Learned…

So, i have to admit, today netted out as a really good day. Want to why? It was a VM i got from my Mistress. It meant the world to me-because i think it shows that i have become a different person, and i have Her to thank for it.

Along with working wiht me on my diet and exercise, Mistress has really tried to put me in touch with my feelings, and share them and express them. And there are numerous ways Mistress has done this. Through probing questions, long conversations and also by “encouraging” me to take a moment and recognize things. (and i should make sure i clarify in this case encouraging does not only mean at the business end of a whip or cane).

So, today was Mistress’ first day at a new office. One of the areas i have been helping to push Mistress is on the career side. And yes, i did just say that i have been pushing my Mistress. We have a relationship-and we each bring pieces to that relationship that makes it vibrant. In this case, i know something about management, business communication and corporations–so i help my Mistress just as She has helped me.

Knowing that today was to be Her first day at the office, i had a nice flower arrangement sent with a card that offered her my congratulations on this step. I am serious when i say, this is not something i would have done for anyone a year ago. Perhaps i would have sent an email or text-but there is no way i would have taken the extra step and ordered the flowers and made sure that She felt special on Her day.

But i want to do this for my Mistress. Not only because its important to Her. Because its important for me to show Her that She has the support to succeed. And it was important for this to be a surprise.

Even though Mistress and i spent Saturday night together and had a great time i managed not to ruin the surprise.

Admittedly, i was a little nervous today. The thought in the back of my head is that the flowers don’t arrive, or i got the address wrong.  Slowly the day ticks by (and remember my day starts at 430 in the gym) and i don’t hear from Mistress. Then suddenly i get a call from Her at about 130.

That of an in itself is rare. Both Mistress and i are at work, and our normal communication is text or twitter-so a phone call is usually reserved for something big. And to be honest i did not think of the flowers, instead i was thinking about what could have happened. So i texted Mistress and told Her that i would call Her back when the call i was on was over. “Not a problem,” was Her response.

So my call ends, and i dial into my VM–and there it was, a big thank you for the flowers.

Yes. Score.

A lesson learned.

connected, ueber connected and just having fun

so, last night i got a text from my Mistress–and She kind of needed a hug and some company-so we rustled up dinner plans on comparitively short notice (a couple of hours). which given all that is going on around me right now-work and personal is pretty good.  and we did all of that via text message.

now to put in perspective for those who will read this at a later date-last night was also the vice-presidential debate. Without getting too far into it because of what i do for a living, i am directly tied to events surrounding each of the debates as well.  but i think i am good enough at what i do, and connected enough where i can spend quality time with my Mistress and still make sure i am on top of what is going on at the office.

to accomplish this-email on my RIM, text messages and a random old-school phone call (even to my mobile phone).  pretty vanilla stuff so far i know….

so as i am heading home (and missing the debate) i started to follow what was going on via twitter-first on my RIM then on my laptop (gotta love that sprint air card).

then Mistress texts me and tells me She is taking a bath in a nice vanilla bath bomb (i had to ask what this was too). and we started a nice little give and take via text message that if not x-rated certainly got to an r-rating…when i described in as much detail as text messages would allow how i would wash my Mistress in the bath…fingering Her, sucking Her nipples and letting Her sponge cascade across Her body.

yeah–it was kind of a nice distraction from trying to filter the bs commentary on the debate from the actual cool info i was getting via twitter.

the net was–i realized that for work, information and just plain fun–connected is a good thing. its knowing how to use the tools and gather hte information that really helps.